The sniff test

Be sure to smell eggnog to check for spoilage before partaking.

Damn.

The Christmas Jell-O mold never turns out right.

Ban blowtorches for nitwits?

You decide.

Twenty-five firefighters put themselves at risk to calm the blaze and he "wasn't charged"? Not even with stupidity?

On the lighter side ...

CNN's iReport put out a call for "tacky Christmas sweaters" photos, and look what the cat dragged in!

Explains one of the subjects:

"The guys on my team like to go shopping—in their mother-in-law's closets or eBay or maybe the Salvation Army racks—to try to find the ugliest Christmas sweaters possible. This year, they outdid themselves."

One question though. Why the mother-in-law's closet and not Mom's? I dare say your own precious mother has purchased (or received) something equally dreadful.

Well played, gentlemen.

More on Rick Warren, anti-theism and biology for dummies

It briefly occurred to me, as it did to Aunt B. over at Tiny Cat Pants, that there is a broader issue underlying the whole who-should-give-the-invocation-at-the-inauguration bruhaha, which is: Why should there even be an invocation? Says she:

Does it grate that there’s going to be some homophobic zealot jackass speaking for and to his god at the inauguration like the difference between homophobic religious zealots who want to control women and everyone else is just a difference of opinion? Yes. But why is any minister there in the first place? Wake me up when we’re having that discussion.

I want to discuss it, but I'm tired. And I don't do my best work when I'm in need of a nap. But I'll leave a few morsels for you.

The consensus around here is that god shouldn't play a role in government (assuming that we believe that there is a god). But guess who thinks not? No surprise. The Wise Reverend Rick, as revealed to Larry King.

"I couldn't vote for a person who was an atheist, because I would think -- I think the presidency is a job too big for one person. I would think there's a little arrogance that says, I don't need anybody else. I could vote for someone of different religions than mine, but I don't know that I could personally vote for somebody who denies that we need somebody greater than ourselves to help us."

This anti-evolutionist also told King:

"If Darwin was right, which is survival of the fittest then homosexuality would be a recessive gene because it doesn't reproduce and you would think that over thousands of years that homosexuality would work itself out of the gene pool."

Warren needs someone greater than himself to explain this whole evolutionary biology thing, and it's not god.

If you wanna hear a couple of lively science geeks dissect Warren's idiotic statement, check out the comments under "Human Population Genetics for Creationist Idiots: The Rick Warren Edition" over at Mike the Mad Biologist.

Barack Obama hates gay people

OK, that's hyperbole on my part. He has, however, shown great contempt for the gay community—and its friends and supporters—by choosing pastor Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. Warren is an evangelical who opposes equal rights for same-sex couples, among other things. Obama defended his choice, saying Warren's is among "a wide range of viewpoints" that are welcome in his administration. Of all the "spiritual leaders" he could have called upon for this task, why not choose someone who is inclusive—someone who, dare I say it, espouses liberty and justice for all?

I have a question for Obama, who has been so busy putting together his team of rivals. The liberals who helped you get elected are starting to feel like they fit into that category. So where's our bone, Obama? When you reached across the aisle, did they grab your arm and suck you into the vortex?

We knew we'd be disappointed. But this is disgusting.

Fifteen minutes could save you 15 percent or more on car insurance

Who'd a thunk? A Floridian threw a sandwich at his girlfriend during a dispute over car insurance.

I think maybe it's time I start ignoring projectile food in Florida. Perhaps all the media attention is encouraging copycats.

Panties in a wad?

So the Madame says to me today, she says: If you're disrobing for bed and you discover that you've been wearing your underwear inside-out all day, is it OK to flip 'em outside-in and wear 'em again the next day? And I say, Did you just use the word "disrobing"? Are we in a Merchant-Ivory film? Then I look over and see an empty bottle of Nyquil on the floor by the bed underneath mounds and mounds of Kleenex, the sheen of Vick's Vap-o-Rub on her upper lip, and I wonder: Does she even know what she's saying anymore?

I responded: I really don't think this is the kind of question a cat can authoritatively answer. And I promised to send it out to committee.

Finally, Floridians wielding food responsibly

This time, the food fight was justified. A pizza delivery driver in Miramar hurled a pepperoni pie at three teenage thugs pointing one too many firearms at him. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Which is too bad. I really wish the perps had been blinded by hot cheese. Seriously.

So, it's time to update, yet again, the list of dangerous perishables in the state of Florida. (I can't believe no one's used grapefruits yet.)

• Canned weiners
• Cheeseburgers
• Unleavened bread*
• Sardines
• Pepperoni pizza
  

*Included for its potential to incite violence. All-around poor weapon.

Get a dentist to Panther Stadium. Stat!

When I saw this photo of the gargoylesque Panther guarding entrance to the stadium in Charlotte, I thought "Heavens to Mergatroid, would you look at those claws!" But then I zoomed in on the teeth. My god, man. That's an emergency tartar situation if I've ever seen one.

Sir Purr in trouble?

Not even the NFL is immune to the recession, with the league announcing it is canning 150 employees. One wonders if this trend will trickle down to the franchises and their mascots, like our own Sir Purr of the Carolina Panthers. Perhaps due to attrition, SP has been assigned administrative duties on top of his other responsibilities of shaking his corpulent belly at games (a record 331 times in 1 minute) and hugging people at will (451 per appearance). Surely this guy has earned his keep.

Basketball too?!!

Turns out, not only did the M&M leave me high and dry for the Panthers meetup, they also took in a game of Rat Basketball. Without me. Knowing how I feel about rodents! At least they were kind enough to take some video footage.

I give you .... Pepper Jack & Nacho, street style:

The 40-yard line! Are you kidding me?!

Tonight I'll be perched on the arm of the recliner watching the Carolina Panthers (9-3) and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-3) battle in Charlotte for the top spot in the NFC South. I was going on and on about this and asking the Madame and Mister who's bringing the snacks and whether the fleece blankie is laundered and ready .... then they drop a bombshell. They're GOING TO THE GAME. Going to the game? When did they start doing that?

So I put my nose in the air and huffed off, thinking they'll be in the cheap seats, hemorrhaging from the nostrils, while I get to see the close-ups and instant replays and that oh-so-handy yellow line on the screen. And I won't have to wait in line for a bathroom. But I can still hear them talking in the other room: .... blah, blah, blah ...... seats on the 40-yard-line .... blah, blah, blah .......what an incredibly nice gift that was ... blah, blah, blah...too bad we can't take Henry, you know, what with her being the biggest football fan in the house.

I hope it rains. No, I hope it snows. No, sleet. Yeah, sleet. And 40 mile-per-hour winds.

ffffffffftttttttttttttt!!!!!

Rash of food fighting continues in Florida

A half-hour away from where a man pummeled his ex-girlfriend for taking his Vienna sausages and where a Florida congregation tackled a fellow parishioner for stealing communion wafers, another food-related battery has occurred. This time, a man clocked his girlfriend with a cheeseburger.

(At least when people in North Carolina fight with food, it's for a good reason.)

The list of potentially dangerous perishables in the Sunshine State now includes:

• Canned weiners
• Cheeseburgers
• Unleavened bread
• Sardines

When will the carnage end?

He just won't go away

Today I listened to a radio call-in show in which people asked questions of erstwhile Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. In response to a caller, he kept repeating that there is "irrefutable scientific evidence" that a fetus is a person from day one. Now, you may or may not agree with that. What interested me is that Huckabee is suddenly all about science. The man who says he doesn't believe in evolution, that schoolchildren should be made aware that other "theories" exist, and that "we just don't know" the age of the earth.

I like the way Wired Science blogger Loretta Hidalgo Whiteside puts it:
In science, being a "theory" is not a step below a "law." The "Theory of Relativity" by Albert Einstein is not waiting for its day in court when it graduates to "fact."

Huckabee has said, in essence, that everyone is entitled to their own facts. "If you want to believe that you and your family came from apes, that's fine. I'll accept that. I just don't happen to think that I did."

I just can't figure out what Huckabee has against apes. You could do a lot worse.

The poor man's Lucky Charms

I heard the Madame bragging earlier today about how you don't have to spend top dollar to appreciate the "Lucky Charms" experience. She gave me permission to publish her recipe:

1. Fill a bowl with store-brand Cheerios.
2. Mix in some mini-marshmallows.
3. Pour in soy milk and stir.
4. Close your eyes and take a bite while thinking "They're magically delicious."

Isn't she clever?

It's come to this

Kitten war. Yes, kitten war. Where cute meets cuter and gets banished to the "Losing-est Kittens" wall of shame.

Is it just me or does Tinkerbelle look a bit underage?

I have the utmost respect for your privacy

Let me make that clear right off the bat. I use Google Analytics to track visitor trends. But your identity is unknown to me. I do know, however, what kind of bizarre strings of search words result in "hits" to my blog.

Some of my recent favorites:

• professional stealing techniques
• jamie lynn spears smelly feet
• cartoon porn stars

I've never written about Jamie Lynn Spears (or her feet, which may or may not be malodorous). Nor have I blogged about cartoon porn stars (the things I saw Fritz the Cat doing are best left unmentioned). And professional stealing techniques? There was my confession of having stolen a sandwich from a homeless person, but I didn't describe how one would go about such a thing (if you need Internet lessons on that type of theft, I don't think lack of sustenance is your biggest problem).

I think that thing called "search engine optimization" has a few flaws. Either that, or my blog has a subconscious and these keywords are buried deep within.