Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Another bad idea: Old Yeller dog food

I'm not kidding. The Madame saw it at the store today and thought she was hallucinating. Made by Disney. Sold by Kroger. You remember Old Yeller. The movie in which the lovable stray dog gets rabies and his owner, a little boy, has to shoot the mutt.

From the Kroger press release announcing the deal:

"The movie is a timeless classic that transcends generations, and we believe this brand will appeal not only to original fans, but to the millions of Americans who share the same kind of special bond with their beloved dogs."

The Madame says she has spent 30 years trying to put that tragic movie ending out of her mind.

What's next? Cat Splat Kibble? Charlotte's Web Tarantula Chow?

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Moose Muhammad's anti lock brakes

Carolina Panthers halftime tidbit: We learned today that wide receiver Muhsin Muhammad cuts holes in the toes of his shoes to take some of the shock out of those quick stops**. OK, I guess you had to be there. But you know what this means? All those holey sneakers strewn around the house aren't bums' shoes. They're equipped with the most sophisticated ABS technology available today. Wow, Madame and Mister. I'm impressed.

**I've just been told that I have this explanation wrong, but that PERSON who was critical was not in the room at the time the announcers described it. So my interpretation stands until further notice.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

The A-11 Offense: truly offensive

I know a lot of you are probably screaming: "Less politics, more football and fashion!" Seems lately I have to get riled in order to be inspired, and politics is an easy target (I'm lazy at heart). I almost posted about Kenley's ghastly "hip hop" outfit on Wednesday's Project Runway, but it would've been like shooting fish in a barrel. Finally, I gleaned something from the world of sports that is worthy of my razor-sharp claws.

Some smart-ass coaches at a California high school are playing football in a downright un-American way. They've created "the A-11 offense," which in essence means that on any given play, all 11 players are eligible receivers.

Says Steve Humphries, offensive coordinator for the Piedmont High Highlanders: "Football is so conservative. There's not a lot of strategy if you're just smashing 300-pound guys together in predictable ways. A-11 filters that out so everyone is active and nimble—like soccer."

Soccer!!??? What's great about American football is that it's not soccer.

Well, I don't give a whit about high school football, though I do love their marching bands. So I thought, big deal. Until I read that college coaches and even—gasp—NFL coaches are giving this strategy a looksee. The S.F. 49'ers reportedly incorporated aspects of the A-11 into their punt plays. Anathema! I took comfort, however, in this blogger's comments: "...this is something that can happen in college football and not in the innovation-hostile NFL."

Thank you. That's what I want from the NFL—hostility, not innovation and cleverness, no matter what this mathlete says:

"Anything that adds permutations, but also adds mystery about pattern makes this more complicated to decipher," says John Lindhe, a mathematician at Northeastern University in Boston. "Football has all these gimmick plays—Statue of Liberty, hook and ladder—that are seldom seen because they're very decipherable."

I have a hard enough time following the ball on a TV screen. I don't want to not know where the ball is even more than I do now.

I hope that when I awake from my next nap, this will have all been a dream.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Maybe John McCain deserves another look

Wow. Not only has John McCain already won tonight's debate, he did it while his campaign was suspended! Never mind his finesse at craps. This guy's got some killer sleight-of-hand.

Dewey Beach Music Festival threatened by sea spittle

Henry's Travels has learned that Not-Really-Tropical-Depression Gefilte Fish is kicking up wind and waves in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. I dispatched my intrepid intern to the scene, where he was pummeled to within an inch of his life by a really annoying breeze. I've got to give that guy a raise (and shell out a few bucks for audio).

Thursday, September 25, 2008

John McCain can't multi-task

And that's all I'm saying on the matter (at least for today).

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Pimp my cat toy

So the Madame comes in my office (uh, I mean her office) and plops down these cat toys she just bought at Pet Hell. "You don't expect me to play with these?" says I. Of course not, she says. I just wanted to get your opinion. Is it just me, or do they look like pimps?

Why, yes. I believe that's Tricktickler I. Shmoove and his accomplice, Crazy Eyes Luthor.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding—good for her!

Word on the street is that someone is shopping photos of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding her newborn. Wow, a Spears setting a good example for teen and feline mothers. Let's just hope she lays off the sauce while feeding her daughter, unlike her big sis Britney, who reportedly breastfed her son while drunk on rum and Coke. I mean, babies don't need all that caffeine. What was she thinking?

In somewhat related news, Pamela Anderson has announced her opinion of Sarah Palin. "I can't stand her. She can suck it!" Darling Pam. Mince not your words!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Joined at the hip, John and Sarah

You might wonder why with only 47 days left until Election Day that John McCain and Sarah Palin haven't felt the need to divide and conquer. You don't see Obama and Biden propping each other up as they court the populace. In a "town hall" meeting in Michigan Wednesday night, McPain and Palin finished each other's sentences (two half-wits make a whole wit!) and checked each other's teeth for spinach.

Trying like hell to put that Charlie Gibson moment behind her, Palin actually challenged the audience to "stump the candidate," saying: "And if you want specifics with specific policies, you can go ahead and ask me. Ask me what the Bush Doctrine is. I dare you. I've had a week to cram since that elitist Charlie Gibson tried to mow me down with his fancy Princeton-speak. In Alaska, we know what preemptive war is. And we don't sugar coat it by calling it a "doctrine." When a polar bear is 200 miles away, a possible imminent threat to your family, you don't wait for that monster to steal your children in the night, you don't wait for global warming to send that sucker to his watery grave. You grab your AK-47, hop on your snowmobile, close the distance between you and take the bastard out."

Though between the two of them, McCain and Palin can almost wrong-headedly answer all the questions posed to them, there's rumbling in the blogosphere that a silent partner may soon come on board. If you see almost imperceptible movement beneath the podium, it's probably Joe Lieberman (a.k.a. My Precious**) under there, making sure McCain doesn't say Sunni when he means Shia and that Palin doesn't say book fire instead of book fair.


** According to Talmudic legend, Adam is called "golem," meaning "body without a soul." Oh, what's that Joe? Whisper, whisper, whisper. They meant to say, Joe, not Adam? Thanks for clearing that up.

Half the Starbucks in Houston are closed

And you wonder why Wall Street went supernova? Only 75 of Houston's 150 Starbucks are back in business after Hurricane Ike! And the stores that are open are probably doing more trade in free WiFi and clandestine showers in their bathrooms than in $4 lattes. I dearly hope the rest of the Starbucks will soon be up and running. Our economy can't take it.

As for banks, stock markets and mattresses, my money's done with that. From now on, I'm keeping all my estate on my person at all times. You may think I'm asleep, but if I feel even one of those quarters move, it's all over for you.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Tina Fey, never second-in-command

“I believe global warming is caused by man,” Poehler-as-Clinton said.

“I believe it’s just God hugging us closer,” Fey-as-Palin said.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Those were the days

"The Coop," as the Madame likes to call him, is never happier than when he's waist deep in floodwater, sporting his black T-shirt and worried expression. Tonight he was back in the box in a suit and tie, pretending all was well. But we saw the forlorn look in his eyes and easily read his thoughts. "Ike, oh Ike."

Friday, September 12, 2008

No lipstick on this pig

Just eyeshadow, "nail" polish and an adorable heart-shaped birthmark. It's really gilding the lily to touch her at all. But those Avon ladies are hard to say no to.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Firefighter gives cat mouth-to-mouth and lives to tell about it

Firefighter Al Machado rescued a cat from a burning, second-floor apartment in New Bedford, Massachusetts yesterday. "It really needed air and it couldn't wait," he told the Standard-Times newspaper. He began mouth-to-mouth breathing on the cat as he carried it out to the sidewalk, where police and paramedics were ready with oxygen, and left it with them while he went back inside the apartment. Paramedics administered oxygen while he was inside the building and, at the next opportunity, Mr. Machado resumed mouth-to-mouth, and the cat, a tiger angora, revived and was resting comfortably in the animal rescue van, awaiting a ride to the veterinarian.

Two pit bulls were also rescued. Henry's Travels assumes that they did not require similar resuscitation, only oxygen from plain old tanks.

Mr. Machado, you are one brave soul. We would like to send you some mouthwash, as angoras are renowned for their halitosis.

Shooting (himself) from the hip, Vol. 1

What will Biden say next? I cringe to think.

"Make no mistake about this, Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America. She’s easily qualified to be Vice President of the United States of America and quite frankly it might have been a better pick than me."

Is your puss worth her weight in gold?

Turns out, I'm a bigger deal than I thought. Using this handy online calculator, I discovered that my worth in gold is equal to $66,235.99. I was full of sass until the Madame said this is the price I would bring from only an eccentric collector of feline curiosities. My Blue Book value, she said, is $12.99.

What a jerk.

Monday, September 8, 2008

If they mated

"Oh, Sarah!"
"Oh, George!"
"Do it to me, barracuda!"
"Dub, dub, dub-ya!"
"Mmph, mmph,"
"Slurp, slurp,"
"At last. We are as one."
"Do you think they'll notice?"

UPDATE: My original photo of the merger of GW and Sarah Palin caused some viewers permanent blindness and acute gastrointestinal distress. To protect public health, I replaced it with a pixelated version. Those with strong stomachs can view the original image by clicking on the photograph. Disclaimer: Henry's Travels bears no liability for loss of eyesight.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

What books did Sarah Palin want to ban?

When she was mayor of Wasilla, Vice-Prez wannabe Sarah Palin bullied, and eventually fired, the town librarian when the stubborn steward of the books refused to consider removing any that Palin found objectionable. I've seen a few mentions of this here and there, but as far as I know, no one else has uncovered which ones Palin wanted banned. But Henry's Travels has muscle. And the most motivated, dedicated unpaid intern in the blogosphere. A cat needs her sleep, so I urged my staff to pull an all-nighter to get the scoop. What he found was voluminous, and so now that I'm well-rested, I have pared the list to the Top 5 titles:

1. Every Teletubbies book. Although she didn't have time to read every single one, the presence of Tinky Winky in all the books was enough for Palin to dismiss them summarily. "He is purple—the gay pride color—and his antenna is shaped like a triangle—the gay pride symbol," said the late gay-fashion guru Jerry Falwell in his crusade against the Teletubbies. Not to mention the fire-engine-red handbag TW carries. That ain't no man purse! The 'tubbies books that particularly turned Palin's stomach: "Lift-the-Flap Board Book", "Naughty No-No", and "Funny Friends and Terrific Tumbles".

2. Mother Jones: One Woman's Fight for Labor. Palin wouldn't give this book a pass, even though it is touted on a Christian Children's Book list as an inspirational read for kids aged 12-14. Mary Harris "Mother" Jones was one of the most storied community organizers in American history. And we know how Palin feels about community organizers. If Barack Obama had been alive during Jones' days as a pro-labor rabble rouser, he probably would've fallen lockstep with her in the Children's Crusade, in which she stood up for child laborers in the coal mines. God forbid teens should be wasting their time thinking about community organizing. They should be learning about how to abstain from heavy petting and worse.

3. Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl. This quote from AF sealed the deal for Sarah The Book Banner: "I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are really good at heart." Even Saddam Hussein? Did she give Hitler a pass too? This girl most certainly would've grown up to sit down and talk unconditionally with the world's dictators and enemies of freedom. Just like Barack Obama! Frank also wrote in her diary that most of the boys in her class were smitten with her—boys who tried to blow kisses or hold her hand. A Jew AND a slut! Sarah Palin nearly had an aneurysm. Little did she know what lay ahead for her own family.

4. Eisenhower: Soldier and President. President Dwight D. Eisenhower was way too critical of mixing war with business, an opinion that alone should make his life unworthy of examination. He was never seen wearing a flag pin, which he claimed clashed with the other regalia on his Brigadier General's uniform. And he had the gall to utter these words in a speech:
"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.

We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together."

5. The Sky is Falling! Chicken Little got hit on the head with an acorn and jumped to the conclusion that the world was coming to an end. He "whipped the populace into mass hysteria," just like Palin thinks people have done about global warming. Sure, she concedes that climate is changing. She just doesn't think human activity is to blame. You'd think Palin would've adored the moral of Chicken Little because it would seem to lend credibility to her argument. However, CL's companions are none other than cartoon porn stars Cocky Lockey and Goosey Loosey. If that's not a good enough reason to censor it, what is?

Friday, September 5, 2008

Donate Your Change to Obama!

Have spare change in a bedside jar or under your couch cushions? Why not convert it to cash to help Obama! Once he gets into the White House, it's going to be a new day for cats, and I don't mean fat cats. I mean stubby little maverick ones like me. Make it fun—host a change-rolling party with your friends. Click here for the scoop, with how-to's and links to the Obama Campaign Donation Web page.

From the Donate Your Change to Obama Blog:
As the president of the United States, Barack Obama has promised to bring change to the people of America. In this economy, money is tight for most of us. But perhaps you have a change jar somewhere or couch cushions you haven't pilfered to pay your water bill or buy peanut butter. Every little bit helps! Let's nickel and dime Obama to the White House.
The five of us four-legged furries are getting to work right now, batting quarters out from under the bed.

Sarah Palin was a community organizer. Scandalous!

If Sarah Palin wants to avoid the backlash against her denigration of Barack Obama's "community organizing," she'd better distance herself pronto from touting her humble beginnings as a PTA mom. See, it turns out, the PTA is a community organization! Gasp. And according to their Web site: "Community organizing gets results. Engaging community members, businesses, and organizations as partners in children's education can improve the learning community in many ways. For example, community partners may be able to: provide expanded learning opportunities, build broad-based support for increased school funding and provide quality after-school programs."

"I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a 'community organizer', except that you have actual responsibilities," Palin said, as she verbally shredded Barack Obama's public service resume in her speech at the Republican National Convention. I guess when she examined his resume, she just read "community organizer" at the top and was so flabbergasted, she forgot to read the rest of his "accomplishments."

I'm guessing that because she thinks community organizing requires no "actual responsibilities," her days in the PTA were numbered. Since she felt no obligation to show up for meetings or community events, she got bored pretty quickly, putting that nasty community organizing stint behind her. Being a hockey mom has been much more stimulating because at least you DO have to pick the kids up after practice—a type of commitment that mere "community organizers" wouldn't recognize if it bit them on their indolent asses.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Sasha Obama to debate Piper Palin

The public debate is already aflurry: Who's cuter—Sasha Obama or Piper Palin? Both 6-year-olds stole the show at the respective Democratic and Republican conventions—Piper by spitting on her baby brother's head and Sasha with her plaintive inquiry, "Where are you, daddy?"

So far, the two are running neck and neck in the polls. But public opinion will certainly sway when the gloves come off and the two take to their debate podiums to deflect missiles from the moderators. How will Sasha explain her lack of a flag pin? And how will Piper defend her copious expectorate?

But will the press dare to ask the important questions? Rumor has it that when it comes to cartoons, Sasha favors Kipper the Dog, who has been hounded since the discovery that his trainer is a Muslim. Piper, on the other hand, likes Tinky Winky, the openly gay Teletubby.

Henry's Travels sincerely hopes that the two will stick to the issues that 6-year-olds really care about—the inflated price of Furbies and rising cost of petro for Barbie's Beach Bus.

With bated Greenies breath, I shall wait.

Pleased to make your acquaintance

Angry black woman, meet smug rich bitch. Now, squash her with your elitist footwear!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Quote of the day

"The 'Straight Talk Express' should be a clown car."

— Will, Richmond, Va., CNN Politics.com