What books did Sarah Palin want to ban?

When she was mayor of Wasilla, Vice-Prez wannabe Sarah Palin bullied, and eventually fired, the town librarian when the stubborn steward of the books refused to consider removing any that Palin found objectionable. I've seen a few mentions of this here and there, but as far as I know, no one else has uncovered which ones Palin wanted banned. But Henry's Travels has muscle. And the most motivated, dedicated unpaid intern in the blogosphere. A cat needs her sleep, so I urged my staff to pull an all-nighter to get the scoop. What he found was voluminous, and so now that I'm well-rested, I have pared the list to the Top 5 titles:

1. Every Teletubbies book. Although she didn't have time to read every single one, the presence of Tinky Winky in all the books was enough for Palin to dismiss them summarily. "He is purple—the gay pride color—and his antenna is shaped like a triangle—the gay pride symbol," said the late gay-fashion guru Jerry Falwell in his crusade against the Teletubbies. Not to mention the fire-engine-red handbag TW carries. That ain't no man purse! The 'tubbies books that particularly turned Palin's stomach: "Lift-the-Flap Board Book", "Naughty No-No", and "Funny Friends and Terrific Tumbles".

2. Mother Jones: One Woman's Fight for Labor. Palin wouldn't give this book a pass, even though it is touted on a Christian Children's Book list as an inspirational read for kids aged 12-14. Mary Harris "Mother" Jones was one of the most storied community organizers in American history. And we know how Palin feels about community organizers. If Barack Obama had been alive during Jones' days as a pro-labor rabble rouser, he probably would've fallen lockstep with her in the Children's Crusade, in which she stood up for child laborers in the coal mines. God forbid teens should be wasting their time thinking about community organizing. They should be learning about how to abstain from heavy petting and worse.

3. Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl. This quote from AF sealed the deal for Sarah The Book Banner: "I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are really good at heart." Even Saddam Hussein? Did she give Hitler a pass too? This girl most certainly would've grown up to sit down and talk unconditionally with the world's dictators and enemies of freedom. Just like Barack Obama! Frank also wrote in her diary that most of the boys in her class were smitten with her—boys who tried to blow kisses or hold her hand. A Jew AND a slut! Sarah Palin nearly had an aneurysm. Little did she know what lay ahead for her own family.

4. Eisenhower: Soldier and President. President Dwight D. Eisenhower was way too critical of mixing war with business, an opinion that alone should make his life unworthy of examination. He was never seen wearing a flag pin, which he claimed clashed with the other regalia on his Brigadier General's uniform. And he had the gall to utter these words in a speech:

"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.

We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together."

5. The Sky is Falling! Chicken Little got hit on the head with an acorn and jumped to the conclusion that the world was coming to an end. He "whipped the populace into mass hysteria," just like Palin thinks people have done about global warming. Sure, she concedes that climate is changing. She just doesn't think human activity is to blame. You'd think Palin would've adored the moral of Chicken Little because it would seem to lend credibility to her argument. However, CL's companions are none other than cartoon porn stars Cocky Lockey and Goosey Loosey. If that's not a good enough reason to censor it, what is?