Quote of the Week

John McCain, at a town hall meeting today, on what he calls a "peaceful revolt*" by Americans opposed to Obama's health care reform plan:

"I've seen involvement and engagement on the part of Americans that I have never seen the likes of which before."

More than, say, the involvement that led to his ass-kicking in November '08? That man's got serious memory impairment. Good thing he's covered by Congress's gold-plated health care insurance plan AND Medicare.

*They're revolting alright.

The Hate Talk Express: Still on the road, still spewing noxious fumes

Here I am, still cogitating about what Michelle Obama will wear to the Inaugural Ball, when THIS item crosses my desk. John McCain is back on the campaign trail, trying to help primordial ooze-sack Saxby Chambliss of Georgia get re-elected to the U.S. Senate. This is the man about whom McCain said in 2002, when Mr. Sham-bliss launched a TV smear campaign against Democratic then-incumbent and triple-amputee Vietnam vet Max Cleland:

"I'd never seen anything like that ad. Putting pictures of Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden next to the picture of a man who left three limbs on the battlefield—it's worse than disgraceful. It's reprehensible."

Chambliss is facing a runoff election against Democratic challenger Jim Martin, which is scheduled for Dec. 2.

If I had a swivel chair like Keith Olbermann, I'd be a feline centrifuge about now, howling to anyone who'd listen: For the love of all that is holy, John McCain, please cease and desist being The Grandfather of all Disingenuosity. Do the right thing. Be humane. Can you do that? There are some animal models that could help. The HSUS is a good example. Look into it.

John McCain: Still an a-hole

I swear, if I could find that statement on a bumper sticker, I'd force the Madame to put one on her car.

McCain was back on late night television Tuesday, yucking it up with Jay Leno. He said: "I really believe that Sarah Palin is amongst some ... that I think are the next generation of leadership of our party," he said. So, vitriole, venom, vituperation, .... there's life for you yet!

As for McCain, I am sick to tears of people praising his "classy" concession speech. Hollow, hollow, hollow ring. McCain—either on his own or via his nasty surrogates—flung everything he could at the wall during his campaign, praying that something would stick. And he failed. He called his opponent a dangerous radical, socialist, Communist, anti-American terrorist sympathizer. Did I leave anything out?

"Who is Barack Obama?", McCain asked ominously at his rallies.

He's your new president, you malodorous, complicit piece of asscrack.

McCain was against MLK Jr. holiday, but FOR busing

The McCain campaign had to bus in school kids from the surrounding area in order to pad an audience at an Ohio rally this morning:

A local school district official confirmed after the event that of the 6,000 people estimated by the fire marshal to be in attendance this morning, more than 4,000 were bused in from schools in the area. The entire 2,500-student Defiance School District was in attendance, the official said, in addition to at least three other schools from neighboring districts, one of which sent 14 buses.

So he's FOR busing, but behaved disgracefully in his stance toward the Martin Luther King Jr. national holiday.

In 1983, he towed Ronald Reagan's line and voted against a Congressional bill to create a federal holiday in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. He later defended Arizona Republican Governor Evan Mecham's rescinding of the state holiday in honor of King created by his Democratic predecessor.

In the Senate, McCain, the self-described maverick, "took on his party" alright. In the 1983 Senate vote, he was among 18 Republicans who voted against the bill, while 37 of his Republican colleagues voted for it. The Senate bill passed by a 78-22 margin. Realizing that he had a veto-proof majority in both the House and Senate, President Reagan reluctantly signed the bill into law.

In the withering heat of a national spotlight, the embarrassed McCain backpedaled on the issue in 1992, prodding his home state of Arizona to recognize a state holiday in spite of Gov. Mecham's protests. McCain finally supported a referendum creating a state holiday in King’s honor in Arizona, the second-to-last state in the Union to do so.

McCain offered an excuse in a speech he gave in Memphis April 4, 2008, the 40th anniversary of King's assassination.

He said:

“I voted in my…first year in Congress against it and then I began to learn and I studied and people talked to me."

"We can be slow as well to give greatness its due, a mistake I made myself long ago when I voted against a federal holiday in memory of Dr. King," said McCain. "I was wrong and eventually realized that, in time to give full support for a state holiday in Arizona."

McCain had said earlier that week that he had not understood the issue. Asked what he later learned, he said, “I learned that this individual was a transcendent figure in American history. He deserved to be honored… I had not really been involved in the issue. I just had not had a lot of experience with the issue.” The Wall Street Journal article reported "that McCain grew testy when asked what he did not understand. He noted that his adopted state of Arizona does not have a large African-American population."

What's astounding to me is that McCain had a 10-year-learning curve on the issue, while of his clueless running mate Sarah Palin he consistently brags: She's "a quick study."

Wow, Sarah Palin can "learn" more about foreign policy in two months than he can learn in a decade about the greatest figure in the American civil rights movement.

Welcome to North Carolina: We ain't high falutin'

Sarah Palin visited Asheville Sunday, wearing jeans and belting out "Redneck Woman" with country trainwreck Gretchen Wilson. For this North Carolina stop, Palin shucked her subsidized New Yawk City duds in favor of jeans. After all, Wilson "ain't no high class broad" and she has disdain for "designer tags." That pretty much sums up the average North Carolina woman. What the Madame can't figure out is why Palin did not go barefoot like everyone else in North Carolina does. If there's a pair of shoes anywhere in this house, I can't find 'em. Obama's coming to Raleigh tomorrow, and Madame is already fretting about how she's going to survive the journey to the rally on foot. Her car is up on blocks in the front yard.

John McCain is scheduled to appear in North Carolina today, alongside Hank Williams Jr. and all his rowdy friends. I presume Bocephus won't be performing "Why Can't We All Just Get A Long Neck." Its message is way too liberal and inclusive. Seriously:

Why can’t we all just get a long (neck) And make a toast to peace and harmony Why, Why can’t we all just get a long (neck) And see how good getting a long might be I’d like buy the world around In the honky tonk neutral ground So we can see that on the inside we’re all the same Pop a top and let the good times pour Til we forget what we was fightin for As different as we may be We’re all one big family

But it sure would be nice.

Flag desecration of the worst possible kind

People, I deeply apologize for making you wish you woke up blind this morning, but I think it's important for you to see who the Republican presidential candidate has unapologetically palled around with. And thank you David Letterman for having the stones to turn the tables on John McCain.

I think this photo of the erstwhile plumber, Watergate burglar, wiretapper and would-be firebomber and kidnapper G. Gordon Liddy is pretty disgusting, but when I asked the Mister for his opinion, he said "Damn, he looks pretty good for an old man." Hmmm. I guess that depends on your definition of good. And your definition of man.

I'm not sure which is scarier, his pseudo-patriotic banana hammock or the thing that has hijacked his upper lip. I think he was going for Magnum, P.I., but I can't help but be reminded of Liddy's hero, Adolf Hitler.

Off I go to the eyewash station.

Who's the best villain—John McCain or Vincent Donofrio?

Sounds like the pundits think John McCain won at least the first half of tonight's final Presidential debate. But that was before he began blinking frenetically, rolling his eyes, raising his eyebrows and twitching whenever Obama said anything.

With all that poorly disguised buildup of steam, I was surprised that McCain's face never turned red—even as his skin kept tightening beyond its available reserve of elasticity. It was like he was wearing an Edgar suit. If you didn't see Men in Black, you won't get that reference (or appreciate the analogy fully from the photo I've provided). In MIB, Vincent Donofrio, in the role of Roachy, inhabits the body of Edgar the hapless farmer. As the story progresses, he struggles to maintain Edgar's corporeal form. Eventually, the insect-inside loses his composure.

The gradual transformation is a spectacular piece of acting on the D-man's part—proof that it takes more than makeup to make a great movie monster. If you haven't seen this movie, you must put it on your list of top priorities (after voting, of course). If you have a cat, even better. We are natural entomologists and love a good bug-and-guts scene.

Oh, and while you're at it, rent Mars Attacks. Ack-ack-ack. We come in peace.

McCain praises Obama's decency. Says "you do not have to be scared" of him

I try not to worry much about whether I'll have to live again on the streets at some future point in my life. You know, what with the economy the way it is. But lately I've been concerned about how many degrees of separation exist between me and Barack Obama. You see, I quite like the Madame. She feeds me, pets me and lets me use her computer (even after I threw up on the modem and knocked out our Internet connection for three days). And both she and the Mister quite like Barack Obama, who according to the McCain campaign "pals around with terrorists."

So lately, McCain, Palin and their camp have been asking, creepily, "Who IS Barack Obama." With folks at McCain rallies yellowing out things like "Terrorist!" "Treason!" "Bomb him!" and "Kill him!", I've been nervous about whether someone will make a connection between me and Bill Ayers. After all, there's a sign right in our yard, "Obama for President," that might seem to suggest our association with domestic terrorists. In case you haven't noticed, I'm covered in fur. And fur is flammable.

Madame has just informed me that Mr. McCain finally "took up for" Obama at a rally just a few hours ago, when participants said Obama was an Arab and that they feared for their children under his presidency. Here's part of what McCain had to say:

"He's a decent, family man, citizen, that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues, and that's what this campaign is all about."

Meanwhile, should we take down our sign just in case?

Waaaaaaaaaa. Life isn't fair, whines McCain

John McComplain said Thursday that Barack Obama’s poll numbers are rising as the economy seems to sink "because life isn’t fair.” It's hard to say who's more annoying, McComplain or Project Runway's sniveling rude-ster Kenley. I think they are soul mates.

Maybe John McCain deserves another look

Wow. Not only has John McCain already won tonight's debate, he did it while his campaign was suspended! Never mind his finesse at craps. This guy's got some killer sleight-of-hand.

John McCain can't multi-task

And that's all I'm saying on the matter (at least for today).

Joined at the hip, John and Sarah

You might wonder why with only 47 days left until Election Day that John McCain and Sarah Palin haven't felt the need to divide and conquer. You don't see Obama and Biden propping each other up as they court the populace. In a "town hall" meeting in Michigan Wednesday night, McPain and Palin finished each other's sentences (two half-wits make a whole wit!) and checked each other's teeth for spinach.

Trying like hell to put that Charlie Gibson moment behind her, Palin actually challenged the audience to "stump the candidate," saying: "And if you want specifics with specific policies, you can go ahead and ask me. Ask me what the Bush Doctrine is. I dare you. I've had a week to cram since that elitist Charlie Gibson tried to mow me down with his fancy Princeton-speak. In Alaska, we know what preemptive war is. And we don't sugar coat it by calling it a "doctrine." When a polar bear is 200 miles away, a possible imminent threat to your family, you don't wait for that monster to steal your children in the night, you don't wait for global warming to send that sucker to his watery grave. You grab your AK-47, hop on your snowmobile, close the distance between you and take the bastard out."

Though between the two of them, McCain and Palin can almost wrong-headedly answer all the questions posed to them, there's rumbling in the blogosphere that a silent partner may soon come on board. If you see almost imperceptible movement beneath the podium, it's probably Joe Lieberman (a.k.a. My Precious**) under there, making sure McCain doesn't say Sunni when he means Shia and that Palin doesn't say book fire instead of book fair.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

** According to Talmudic legend, Adam is called "golem," meaning "body without a soul." Oh, what's that Joe? Whisper, whisper, whisper. They meant to say, Joe, not Adam? Thanks for clearing that up.

Quote of the day

"The 'Straight Talk Express' should be a clown car."

— Will, Richmond, Va., CNN Politics.com

Do most Americans look like McCain?

The Wall Street Journal asked on Friday: "In a nation in which 66% of the voting-age population is overweight and 32% is obese, could Sen. Obama's skinniness be a liability? Despite his visits to waffle houses, ice-cream parlors and greasy-spoon diners around the country, his slim physique just might have some Americans wondering whether he is truly like them."

Is this a joke? Did WSJ and the New York Post participate in some sort of Freaky Friday-style stunt?

God help us.

McCain will attack Pakistan. As soon as he figures out where it is.

Once he resolves the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border, he'll build a fence between Mexico and Canada.

"Tex" Obama: Ridin', ropin' and surveillin'

Hear that sound? It's the sound of the other shoe dropping. We've been listening for it ever since our household's choice for president clinched the Democratic nomination. He said he wouldn't vote for the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) bill, but he did. Twenty-eight Senate Democrats did not, including Biden, Dodd, Kerry and Clinton, former presidential hopefuls with no one to pander to now. Sen. John McCain didn't vote at all. Presumably, he was somewhere having another melanoma surreptitiously removed.

Cindy McCain's green bean casserole recipe suspiciously like Campbells's

Reporters have just begun to plumb the depths of Cindy McCain's addiction to shoplifting recipes. First she provided the media with several McCain "old family recipes," such as "Ahi Tuna with Napa Cabbage" and "Passion Fruit Mousse," lifted from the Food Network. That should have been a red flag straightaway. Would any of your "old family recipes" call for cremini mushrooms and Napa cabbage? Your Great Aunt Nellie's pantry was stocked with staples like hog jowls and maraschino cherries.

Then she plagiarized Hershey, the foremost proprietor of confectionary goodness. The "Cindy McCain's Oatmeal-Butterscotch Cookies" recipe she gave to Family Circle was just a Hershey's re-dux.

Did she learn anything from this? Indeed. Mrs. McStickyfingers has revisited her recipes and inserted a few changes to make them truly her own. Henry's Travels obtained a copy of one of these. I think her special ingredient is enough to qualify as a substantive change in the recipe. I usually stick to Hill's Senior Hairball Kibble and Greenie's Ocean Fish crunchy bits, but I think this one might be worth a try. The extra roughage would surely improve my digestion.

John McC*nt will no longer allow himself to host his own fundraisers

When John McCain recently canceled a fundraiser that was to take place at the home of Texas oil magnate Clayton Williams, he said he was previously unaware of Williams' widely publicized "quip" to reporters that rape is like the weather: "If it's inevitable, just relax and enjoy it." I mean, really. That happened almost 20 years ago. How is McCain to remember that kind of trivia? Critics have suggested that any quick Google search to "vet" Williams would have turned up this gold nugget. In his defense, McCain doesn't know how to use a computer (he answered a reporter's "Mac or PC?" question with "Neither. I am a [sic] illiterate that has to rely on my wife for all the assistance that I can get." In addition, at the time of Williams' comment, McCain didn't have a TV or a newspaper subscription.

The McCain campaign has learned from this blunder and decided they'd better vet McCain as well. Imagine their surprise when they discovered that McCain, in public, called his wife, Cindy, a word that starts with "c" and ends with "t". (Hint: the word was not "cat.") That happened in 1992, so it's understandable that McCain had no recollection of the comment. "I was unaware that I said such a despicable thing, and so I think it's best that I not appear at any fundraisers in which I am the host, for fear it might damage attempts to raise money for myself." He concluded,"This is all my wife's fault. That c*nt forgot to remind me."

John McCain is no friend to me

I haven't had a thing to eat today because no one is home to feed me. My mistress is out getting better education and training so she can deserve pay equity with the men in her field. Let's see if I understand this right. A woman in the same job as a man, with the same level of experience and time served, needs more education and training than her penised counterpart. Listen here, JC. Please cease and desist peppering your conversation with "my friends" this and "my friends" that. And stop advising women to get out of the house. I'm hungry, dammit.

It's 3 in the morning! Leave me alone.

Hillary Clinton, John McCain and Barack Obama are locked in a fierce public debate about who would best prepared to respond to a national crisis if the White House phone rang at 3 a.m. Am I the only one who thinks this question has a game-show quality about it? Each contestant could be given a horse tranquilizer, then awakened about an hour later and asked a series of random questions to determine cognitive function under sleep deprivation. At any rate, it's clear who would not be qualified in this household.