Welcome to North Carolina: We ain't high falutin'

Sarah Palin visited Asheville Sunday, wearing jeans and belting out "Redneck Woman" with country trainwreck Gretchen Wilson. For this North Carolina stop, Palin shucked her subsidized New Yawk City duds in favor of jeans. After all, Wilson "ain't no high class broad" and she has disdain for "designer tags." That pretty much sums up the average North Carolina woman. What the Madame can't figure out is why Palin did not go barefoot like everyone else in North Carolina does. If there's a pair of shoes anywhere in this house, I can't find 'em. Obama's coming to Raleigh tomorrow, and Madame is already fretting about how she's going to survive the journey to the rally on foot. Her car is up on blocks in the front yard.

John McCain is scheduled to appear in North Carolina today, alongside Hank Williams Jr. and all his rowdy friends. I presume Bocephus won't be performing "Why Can't We All Just Get A Long Neck." Its message is way too liberal and inclusive. Seriously:

Why can’t we all just get a long (neck) And make a toast to peace and harmony Why, Why can’t we all just get a long (neck) And see how good getting a long might be I’d like buy the world around In the honky tonk neutral ground So we can see that on the inside we’re all the same Pop a top and let the good times pour Til we forget what we was fightin for As different as we may be We’re all one big family

But it sure would be nice.

A REAL strong woman speaks her mind

82-year-old Helen Philpot has hit the nail on the head:

"I am going to say what everyone at CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC is thinking but is afraid to say. Governor Palin is a stupid, conniving bitch. And it’s not because she is a strong woman--I like strong women… worship them… It’s actually the opposite. She is a weak, pathetic woman who thinks big hair, winking, baby talk and self deprecation is somehow becoming of a woman who wants to lead the free world. My god, where is Margaret Thatcher when you need her!"

If America takes a chance on Maverick the Clown and his side kick, Clarabell, we will find ourselves so far down the crapper even Joe the Plumber can’t reach us."

Indeed!

Dissecting Sarah Palin's sentences: Even the experts are stumped

The Madame wondered what her high school English teacher would make of Kitty Burns Florey's attempts to diagram Sarah Palin's utterances. Even Florey had to throw in the towel on this one:

I know that John McCain will do that and I, as his vice president, families we are blessed with that vote of the American people and are elected to serve and are sworn in on January 20, that will be our top priority is to defend the American people.
—Palin, in her Charlie Gibson interview

Florey is the author of Sister Bernadette's Barking Dog, a history of diagramming sentences. In an article for Slate.com, she writes:

"Granted, diagramming usually deals with written English. We don't expect speech to reach the heights of eloquence or even lucidity that the written word is capable of. In our world, politicians don't do much writing: Their preferred communication is the canned speech. But they're also forced, from time to time, to answer questions, and their answers often resemble the rambling nonsense, obfuscation, and grammatical insanity that many of us would produce when put on the spot.

Yet surely, more than most of us, politicians need to be able to think on their feet, to have a brain that works quickly and rationally under pressure. Do we really want to be led by someone who, when asked a straightforward question, flails around like an undergraduate who stayed up all night boozing instead of studying for the exam?"

Uh, yeah, Americans are already being led by someone like that.

Sarah Barracuda shows no love for Joe's dead wife and kid

I had a hard time staying awake during tonight's VP debate. I found myself drifting off whenever either candidate spoke for longer than 30 seconds. But I was semi-conscious when Biden choked up as he talked about being a single parent to his two boys after his wife and daughter were killed. Apparently, sympathy was not in Mama Palin's playbook. Without batting a lash, she launched right back into her scripted universe. Stunning.

Joined at the hip, John and Sarah

You might wonder why with only 47 days left until Election Day that John McCain and Sarah Palin haven't felt the need to divide and conquer. You don't see Obama and Biden propping each other up as they court the populace. In a "town hall" meeting in Michigan Wednesday night, McPain and Palin finished each other's sentences (two half-wits make a whole wit!) and checked each other's teeth for spinach.

Trying like hell to put that Charlie Gibson moment behind her, Palin actually challenged the audience to "stump the candidate," saying: "And if you want specifics with specific policies, you can go ahead and ask me. Ask me what the Bush Doctrine is. I dare you. I've had a week to cram since that elitist Charlie Gibson tried to mow me down with his fancy Princeton-speak. In Alaska, we know what preemptive war is. And we don't sugar coat it by calling it a "doctrine." When a polar bear is 200 miles away, a possible imminent threat to your family, you don't wait for that monster to steal your children in the night, you don't wait for global warming to send that sucker to his watery grave. You grab your AK-47, hop on your snowmobile, close the distance between you and take the bastard out."

Though between the two of them, McCain and Palin can almost wrong-headedly answer all the questions posed to them, there's rumbling in the blogosphere that a silent partner may soon come on board. If you see almost imperceptible movement beneath the podium, it's probably Joe Lieberman (a.k.a. My Precious**) under there, making sure McCain doesn't say Sunni when he means Shia and that Palin doesn't say book fire instead of book fair.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

** According to Talmudic legend, Adam is called "golem," meaning "body without a soul." Oh, what's that Joe? Whisper, whisper, whisper. They meant to say, Joe, not Adam? Thanks for clearing that up.

Tina Fey, never second-in-command

“I believe global warming is caused by man,” Poehler-as-Clinton said.

“I believe it’s just God hugging us closer,” Fey-as-Palin said.

If they mated

"Oh, Sarah!"
"Oh, George!"
"Do it to me, barracuda!"
"Dub, dub, dub-ya!"
"Mmph, mmph,"
"Slurp, slurp,"
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh."
"At last. We are as one."
"Do you think they'll notice?"

UPDATE: My original photo of the merger of GW and Sarah Palin caused some viewers permanent blindness and acute gastrointestinal distress. To protect public health, I replaced it with a pixelated version. Those with strong stomachs can view the original image by clicking on the photograph. Disclaimer: Henry's Travels bears no liability for loss of eyesight.

What books did Sarah Palin want to ban?

When she was mayor of Wasilla, Vice-Prez wannabe Sarah Palin bullied, and eventually fired, the town librarian when the stubborn steward of the books refused to consider removing any that Palin found objectionable. I've seen a few mentions of this here and there, but as far as I know, no one else has uncovered which ones Palin wanted banned. But Henry's Travels has muscle. And the most motivated, dedicated unpaid intern in the blogosphere. A cat needs her sleep, so I urged my staff to pull an all-nighter to get the scoop. What he found was voluminous, and so now that I'm well-rested, I have pared the list to the Top 5 titles:

1. Every Teletubbies book. Although she didn't have time to read every single one, the presence of Tinky Winky in all the books was enough for Palin to dismiss them summarily. "He is purple—the gay pride color—and his antenna is shaped like a triangle—the gay pride symbol," said the late gay-fashion guru Jerry Falwell in his crusade against the Teletubbies. Not to mention the fire-engine-red handbag TW carries. That ain't no man purse! The 'tubbies books that particularly turned Palin's stomach: "Lift-the-Flap Board Book", "Naughty No-No", and "Funny Friends and Terrific Tumbles".

2. Mother Jones: One Woman's Fight for Labor. Palin wouldn't give this book a pass, even though it is touted on a Christian Children's Book list as an inspirational read for kids aged 12-14. Mary Harris "Mother" Jones was one of the most storied community organizers in American history. And we know how Palin feels about community organizers. If Barack Obama had been alive during Jones' days as a pro-labor rabble rouser, he probably would've fallen lockstep with her in the Children's Crusade, in which she stood up for child laborers in the coal mines. God forbid teens should be wasting their time thinking about community organizing. They should be learning about how to abstain from heavy petting and worse.

3. Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl. This quote from AF sealed the deal for Sarah The Book Banner: "I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are really good at heart." Even Saddam Hussein? Did she give Hitler a pass too? This girl most certainly would've grown up to sit down and talk unconditionally with the world's dictators and enemies of freedom. Just like Barack Obama! Frank also wrote in her diary that most of the boys in her class were smitten with her—boys who tried to blow kisses or hold her hand. A Jew AND a slut! Sarah Palin nearly had an aneurysm. Little did she know what lay ahead for her own family.

4. Eisenhower: Soldier and President. President Dwight D. Eisenhower was way too critical of mixing war with business, an opinion that alone should make his life unworthy of examination. He was never seen wearing a flag pin, which he claimed clashed with the other regalia on his Brigadier General's uniform. And he had the gall to utter these words in a speech:

"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.

We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together."

5. The Sky is Falling! Chicken Little got hit on the head with an acorn and jumped to the conclusion that the world was coming to an end. He "whipped the populace into mass hysteria," just like Palin thinks people have done about global warming. Sure, she concedes that climate is changing. She just doesn't think human activity is to blame. You'd think Palin would've adored the moral of Chicken Little because it would seem to lend credibility to her argument. However, CL's companions are none other than cartoon porn stars Cocky Lockey and Goosey Loosey. If that's not a good enough reason to censor it, what is?

Sarah Palin was a community organizer. Scandalous!

If Sarah Palin wants to avoid the backlash against her denigration of Barack Obama's "community organizing," she'd better distance herself pronto from touting her humble beginnings as a PTA mom. See, it turns out, the PTA is a community organization! Gasp. And according to their Web site: "Community organizing gets results. Engaging community members, businesses, and organizations as partners in children's education can improve the learning community in many ways. For example, community partners may be able to: provide expanded learning opportunities, build broad-based support for increased school funding and provide quality after-school programs."

"I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a 'community organizer', except that you have actual responsibilities," Palin said, as she verbally shredded Barack Obama's public service resume in her speech at the Republican National Convention. I guess when she examined his resume, she just read "community organizer" at the top and was so flabbergasted, she forgot to read the rest of his "accomplishments."

I'm guessing that because she thinks community organizing requires no "actual responsibilities," her days in the PTA were numbered. Since she felt no obligation to show up for meetings or community events, she got bored pretty quickly, putting that nasty community organizing stint behind her. Being a hockey mom has been much more stimulating because at least you DO have to pick the kids up after practice—a type of commitment that mere "community organizers" wouldn't recognize if it bit them on their indolent asses.