Thursday, October 30, 2008

McCain was against MLK Jr. holiday, but FOR busing

The McCain campaign had to bus in school kids from the surrounding area in order to pad an audience at an Ohio rally this morning:

A local school district official confirmed after the event that of the 6,000 people estimated by the fire marshal to be in attendance this morning, more than 4,000 were bused in from schools in the area. The entire 2,500-student Defiance School District was in attendance, the official said, in addition to at least three other schools from neighboring districts, one of which sent 14 buses.

So he's FOR busing, but behaved disgracefully in his stance toward the Martin Luther King Jr. national holiday.

In 1983, he towed Ronald Reagan's line and voted against a Congressional bill to create a federal holiday in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. He later defended Arizona Republican Governor Evan Mecham's rescinding of the state holiday in honor of King created by his Democratic predecessor.

In the Senate, McCain, the self-described maverick, "took on his party" alright. In the 1983 Senate vote, he was among 18 Republicans who voted against the bill, while 37 of his Republican colleagues voted for it. The Senate bill passed by a 78-22 margin. Realizing that he had a veto-proof majority in both the House and Senate, President Reagan reluctantly signed the bill into law.

In the withering heat of a national spotlight, the embarrassed McCain backpedaled on the issue in 1992, prodding his home state of Arizona to recognize a state holiday in spite of Gov. Mecham's protests. McCain finally supported a referendum creating a state holiday in King’s honor in Arizona, the second-to-last state in the Union to do so.

McCain offered an excuse in a speech he gave in Memphis April 4, 2008, the 40th anniversary of King's assassination.

He said:

“I voted in my…first year in Congress against it and then I began to learn and I studied and people talked to me."

"We can be slow as well to give greatness its due, a mistake I made myself long ago when I voted against a federal holiday in memory of Dr. King," said McCain. "I was wrong and eventually realized that, in time to give full support for a state holiday in Arizona."

McCain had said earlier that week that he had not understood the issue. Asked what he later learned, he said, “I learned that this individual was a transcendent figure in American history. He deserved to be honored… I had not really been involved in the issue. I just had not had a lot of experience with the issue.” The Wall Street Journal article reported "that McCain grew testy when asked what he did not understand. He noted that his adopted state of Arizona does not have a large African-American population."

What's astounding to me is that McCain had a 10-year-learning curve on the issue, while of his clueless running mate Sarah Palin he consistently brags: She's "a quick study."

Wow, Sarah Palin can "learn" more about foreign policy in two months than he can learn in a decade about the greatest figure in the American civil rights movement.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Raleigh, NC says yes to hope!

The grinning yokel on the left is the woman who puts food in my bowl and gives me a warm fleece blankie to nap on. She came home from today's Barack Obama rally in North Carolina flat-out drunk on hope. Shortly afterward, her one and only Republican friend happened to phone and ask what she was up to. "Oh!" she said, her enthusiasm barely containable. "I just got back from the Obama rally downtown—there were 20,000 people down there!" To her astonishment, he replied: "Were they handing out free cheese?" Oh boy. She gave me the nod, and I put my paw on the receiver and pressed "End Call." Ooops!

The Madame leaned back in her chair, her hope bubble temporarily deflated. She stewed for about 20 minutes, then she looked at me and said, "You know, racists can be inspirational, in their way." She grabbed her coat and goofy blue hat and scurried out the door. "Don't hold dinner!" she cried.

Four hours later the Madame returned and ran over to me and shook me by the shoulders. "Henry, I made over 200 phone calls at Obama HQ! I told people when and where they could vote early! Many of them thanked me and said they couldn't wait to get down to the polls and cast their vote for Obama! And just when I thought I'd cave from lack of sustenance, a lady brought in a steaming hot pan of homemade baked spaghetti for the volunteers. She offered it from the goodness of her own heart and the warmth of her own kitchen. And .... I think you know where this is going .... it was topped with cheese. Melted and yummy. And free."

I think you have a little bit of hope smeared at the corner of your mouth, I said. Here, let me get that for you.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Welcome to North Carolina: We ain't high falutin'

Sarah Palin visited Asheville Sunday, wearing jeans and belting out "Redneck Woman" with country trainwreck Gretchen Wilson. For this North Carolina stop, Palin shucked her subsidized New Yawk City duds in favor of jeans. After all, Wilson "ain't no high class broad" and she has disdain for "designer tags." That pretty much sums up the average North Carolina woman. What the Madame can't figure out is why Palin did not go barefoot like everyone else in North Carolina does. If there's a pair of shoes anywhere in this house, I can't find 'em. Obama's coming to Raleigh tomorrow, and Madame is already fretting about how she's going to survive the journey to the rally on foot. Her car is up on blocks in the front yard.

John McCain is scheduled to appear in North Carolina today, alongside Hank Williams Jr. and all his rowdy friends. I presume Bocephus won't be performing "Why Can't We All Just Get A Long Neck." Its message is way too liberal and inclusive. Seriously:
Why can’t we all just get a long (neck) And make a toast to peace and harmony Why, Why can’t we all just get a long (neck) And see how good getting a long might be I’d like buy the world around In the honky tonk neutral ground So we can see that on the inside we’re all the same Pop a top and let the good times pour Til we forget what we was fightin for As different as we may be We’re all one big family

But it sure would be nice.

Charles Barkley can't screw up Alabama

From Campbell Brown's Charles Barkley interview on CNN:

Brown: So are you going to run for governor?

Barkley: I plan on it in 2014.

Brown: You are serious.

Barkley: I am, I can't screw up Alabama.

The man speaks the truth.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Resting in peace. Not.

It was bound to happen. The souring economy is now affecting dead people. I feel sorry for the families who had to retrieve the relatives evicted from the foreclosed funeral home. I also feel sorry for the owners, the Burns family. Still, I wonder about the wisdom of naming a funeral home and crematorium "The House of Burns."

Friday, October 24, 2008

Isabel, the pufferfish

I received a postcard from the Madame today. It read: "Dear Henry, the Mister caught a pufferfish. He said it looked just like Isabel. He threw it back. He said, how can you eat a fish that looks like one of your cats?"

I googled Northern Pufferfish and here's what I found. I can't locate a good image of Isabel to show you for comparison. But it's unnecessary. This, indeed, may as well be Isabel--from her tortoise shell markings to her corpulent white underbelly to her tailfin. Well, she doesn't really have a tailfin, but she usually has crusty protrusions that bear some likeness. The poor rotund beast has a home health nurse that provides assistance with hygiene. That chore used to fall to The Dog, may he rest in peace.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Housing discrimination

The Madame and Mister say that their vacation cottage will allow up to four dogs but no other type of animal. How could a cat possibly do more damage to a house than four dogs? Never mind. Max just came up behind me with a mouthful of all that's left of the living room rug.

Come home soon. I'm surrounded by imbeciles!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

A REAL strong woman speaks her mind

82-year-old Helen Philpot has hit the nail on the head:

"I am going to say what everyone at CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC is thinking but is afraid to say. Governor Palin is a stupid, conniving bitch. And it’s not because she is a strong woman--I like strong women… worship them… It’s actually the opposite. She is a weak, pathetic woman who thinks big hair, winking, baby talk and self deprecation is somehow becoming of a woman who wants to lead the free world. My god, where is Margaret Thatcher when you need her!"

If America takes a chance on Maverick the Clown and his side kick, Clarabell, we will find ourselves so far down the crapper even Joe the Plumber can’t reach us."


Flag desecration of the worst possible kind

People, I deeply apologize for making you wish you woke up blind this morning, but I think it's important for you to see who the Republican presidential candidate has unapologetically palled around with. And thank you David Letterman for having the stones to turn the tables on John McCain.

I think this photo of the erstwhile plumber, Watergate burglar, wiretapper and would-be firebomber and kidnapper G. Gordon Liddy is pretty disgusting, but when I asked the Mister for his opinion, he said "Damn, he looks pretty good for an old man." Hmmm. I guess that depends on your definition of good. And your definition of man.

I'm not sure which is scarier, his pseudo-patriotic banana hammock or the thing that has hijacked his upper lip. I think he was going for Magnum, P.I., but I can't help but be reminded of Liddy's hero, Adolf Hitler.

Off I go to the eyewash station.

Friday, October 17, 2008

No W

Today, Americans, you have a choice. You can take $10 from your wallet and buy a well-crafted sharp stick and ram it right into your eye, or you can head to the cineplex tonight and plop it down for a ticket to the premiere of "W". Yes, the Madame has been ranting again. But I happen to agree with her. We have had to look at this ruinous man and his insidious dealings for nearly eight years (that's two full thirds of my life). Even if Oliver Stone was sending him up, I still wouldn't be interested. But apparently, the directorial king of big-screen conspiracy theories took the biggest gimme that ever fell into his lap and then produced a work that reviewers are calling "surprisingly evenhanded." Astounding. To whom would this be a selling point? The 17 percent of Americans who still approve of him? (If someone can find me their addresses, I have some condoms to mail them.)

So what are we supposed to learn about W from this film? His foibles? Are there any left we haven't seen? Maybe movie-goers are supposed to be touched and amused by images of a lovable drunkard. I have been told it's not politically correct to say this, but sometimes I've wondered if there weren't many times he'd have made better decisions in the White House if he'd called his sponsor first.

So another three hours of W in our lives? Bloody hell. Blind me now.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Who's the best villain—John McCain or Vincent Donofrio?

Sounds like the pundits think John McCain won at least the first half of tonight's final Presidential debate. But that was before he began blinking frenetically, rolling his eyes, raising his eyebrows and twitching whenever Obama said anything.

With all that poorly disguised buildup of steam, I was surprised that McCain's face never turned red—even as his skin kept tightening beyond its available reserve of elasticity. It was like he was wearing an Edgar suit. If you didn't see Men in Black, you won't get that reference (or appreciate the analogy fully from the photo I've provided). In MIB, Vincent Donofrio, in the role of Roachy, inhabits the body of Edgar the hapless farmer. As the story progresses, he struggles to maintain Edgar's corporeal form. Eventually, the insect-inside loses his composure.

The gradual transformation is a spectacular piece of acting on the D-man's part—proof that it takes more than makeup to make a great movie monster. If you haven't seen this movie, you must put it on your list of top priorities (after voting, of course). If you have a cat, even better. We are natural entomologists and love a good bug-and-guts scene.

Oh, and while you're at it, rent Mars Attacks. Ack-ack-ack. We come in peace.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Speaking of dissections ...

Three quarters of the way through the Tampa Bay v. Carolina Panthers game Sunday (due to the Cats having been thoroughly routed), the Madame made an executive decision to switch off the game. A better use of time, she announced, would be for me to make you a little cat-sized football helmet.

In a related piece of news, a young woman in Asheville has legally changed her name from Jennifer to the name of an anti-vivisection Web site. Her name is now Wow, and you thought McLovin got some strange looks from police officers.

How are these two situations related, you say? Because I'm thinking of changing my name to: PutThisOnMyHeadAgain&YouWillBeVivisected.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Dissecting Sarah Palin's sentences: Even the experts are stumped

The Madame wondered what her high school English teacher would make of Kitty Burns Florey's attempts to diagram Sarah Palin's utterances. Even Florey had to throw in the towel on this one:
I know that John McCain will do that and I, as his vice president, families we are blessed with that vote of the American people and are elected to serve and are sworn in on January 20, that will be our top priority is to defend the American people.
Palin, in her Charlie Gibson interview
Florey is the author of Sister Bernadette's Barking Dog, a history of diagramming sentences. In an article for, she writes:
"Granted, diagramming usually deals with written English. We don't expect speech to reach the heights of eloquence or even lucidity that the written word is capable of. In our world, politicians don't do much writing: Their preferred communication is the canned speech. But they're also forced, from time to time, to answer questions, and their answers often resemble the rambling nonsense, obfuscation, and grammatical insanity that many of us would produce when put on the spot.

Yet surely, more than most of us, politicians need to be able to think on their feet, to have a brain that works quickly and rationally under pressure. Do we really want to be led by someone who, when asked a straightforward question, flails around like an undergraduate who stayed up all night boozing instead of studying for the exam?"

Uh, yeah, Americans are already being led by someone like that.

Friday, October 10, 2008

McCain praises Obama's decency. Says "you do not have to be scared" of him

I try not to worry much about whether I'll have to live again on the streets at some future point in my life. You know, what with the economy the way it is. But lately I've been concerned about how many degrees of separation exist between me and Barack Obama. You see, I quite like the Madame. She feeds me, pets me and lets me use her computer (even after I threw up on the modem and knocked out our Internet connection for three days). And both she and the Mister quite like Barack Obama, who according to the McCain campaign "pals around with terrorists."

So lately, McCain, Palin and their camp have been asking, creepily, "Who IS Barack Obama." With folks at McCain rallies yellowing out things like "Terrorist!" "Treason!" "Bomb him!" and "Kill him!", I've been nervous about whether someone will make a connection between me and Bill Ayers. After all, there's a sign right in our yard, "Obama for President," that might seem to suggest our association with domestic terrorists. In case you haven't noticed, I'm covered in fur. And fur is flammable.

Madame has just informed me that Mr. McCain finally "took up for" Obama at a rally just a few hours ago, when participants said Obama was an Arab and that they feared for their children under his presidency. Here's part of what McCain had to say:
"He's a decent, family man, citizen, that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues, and that's what this campaign is all about."
Meanwhile, should we take down our sign just in case?

New Credit Crunch Cereal: It's deliciously nutty!

Not sure which is more disturbing—that ABC news resorted to cartoons to explain the economic crisis to its viewers or that this is how it depicts farmers. Hillbilly Bob needs that loan to fix his crazy eyes (he doesn't have health insurance).

And the pesticide image is sooooo 1960. Everyone knows you don't have to wear protective gear when you spray Roundup. Monsanto has assured us it's safer than baby powder (who cares if it kills frogs and turns tadpoles into hermaphrodites). Thumbs up!

You can watch the cartoon here. It's rated G (for golly gee!)

Stripes are slimming

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Hefty Max

Someone forgot to take out the trash.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Republicans afraid of musical hats!

A battle over what voters can and cannot wear to the polls is headed to court in Pennsylvania. Apparently, a woman voting in the Pennsylvania primary last spring was told she'd have to take off her Obama T-shirt before entering the booth. One might assume the poll workers intended to produce a salacious video, "Voters Gone Wild," but they were actually trying to prevent "electioneering," which is sort of like auctioneering, 'cept louder.

So now a political brawl has broken out over voter fashion. The Republican Party in Pennsylvania wants a dress code, while the Democratic Party does not. I gather that the Republicans are wary of a sartorial slippery slope. Said state GOP chairman Robert Gleason: "The first thing would be a button or a shirt, and maybe the next thing would be a musical hat."

This is clearly a scheme to sabotage the anticipated young voter turnout the Democrats hope will deliver a win for Obama. Because we all know, rebellious kids can't stand being told what not to wear—especially musical hats.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Good news for foreclosed homeowners: Take a bullet and you're home free!

Fannie Mae has announced they will forgive a debt owed by a 90-year-old woman who tried to kill herself as sheriff's deputies attempted to evict her from her home. The woman now lies in a hospital in critical condition due to the bullet wounds she sustained. "We're going to forgive whatever outstanding balance she had on the loan and give her the house," said a Fannie Mae spokesman on Friday "Given the circumstances, we think it's appropriate." But why—I asked the Madame—wasn't it "appropriate" to try to offer some relief beforehand to Addie Polk, who'd lived in her home since 1970.

A sorry mathematician, the Madame mused nonetheless about what percentage of the $700 billion government bailout package Mrs. Polk's mortgage amounted to. The Madame often gives thanks out loud that she and the Mister are lucky enough to pay the bank every month (so far). If we ever got evicted, she said, where on earth would we find a landlord who'd let us keep five cats? We'd have to find a cardboard box big enough for all of us, she said, though Pickles, Smilla, Isabel, Max and you would need to promise not to shred the walls, she admonished.

Wow, all this time I thought equity was the main benefit of home ownership. Damn, those people really love us.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Sarah Barracuda shows no love for Joe's dead wife and kid

I had a hard time staying awake during tonight's VP debate. I found myself drifting off whenever either candidate spoke for longer than 30 seconds. But I was semi-conscious when Biden choked up as he talked about being a single parent to his two boys after his wife and daughter were killed. Apparently, sympathy was not in Mama Palin's playbook. Without batting a lash, she launched right back into her scripted universe. Stunning.

Waaaaaaaaaa. Life isn't fair, whines McCain

John McComplain said Thursday that Barack Obama’s poll numbers are rising as the economy seems to sink "because life isn’t fair.” It's hard to say who's more annoying, McComplain or Project Runway's sniveling rude-ster Kenley. I think they are soul mates.