He just won't go away

Today I listened to a radio call-in show in which people asked questions of erstwhile Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. In response to a caller, he kept repeating that there is "irrefutable scientific evidence" that a fetus is a person from day one. Now, you may or may not agree with that. What interested me is that Huckabee is suddenly all about science. The man who says he doesn't believe in evolution, that schoolchildren should be made aware that other "theories" exist, and that "we just don't know" the age of the earth.

I like the way Wired Science blogger Loretta Hidalgo Whiteside puts it:
In science, being a "theory" is not a step below a "law." The "Theory of Relativity" by Albert Einstein is not waiting for its day in court when it graduates to "fact."

Huckabee has said, in essence, that everyone is entitled to their own facts. "If you want to believe that you and your family came from apes, that's fine. I'll accept that. I just don't happen to think that I did."

I just can't figure out what Huckabee has against apes. You could do a lot worse.

Welcome to North Carolina: We ain't high falutin'

Sarah Palin visited Asheville Sunday, wearing jeans and belting out "Redneck Woman" with country trainwreck Gretchen Wilson. For this North Carolina stop, Palin shucked her subsidized New Yawk City duds in favor of jeans. After all, Wilson "ain't no high class broad" and she has disdain for "designer tags." That pretty much sums up the average North Carolina woman. What the Madame can't figure out is why Palin did not go barefoot like everyone else in North Carolina does. If there's a pair of shoes anywhere in this house, I can't find 'em. Obama's coming to Raleigh tomorrow, and Madame is already fretting about how she's going to survive the journey to the rally on foot. Her car is up on blocks in the front yard.

John McCain is scheduled to appear in North Carolina today, alongside Hank Williams Jr. and all his rowdy friends. I presume Bocephus won't be performing "Why Can't We All Just Get A Long Neck." Its message is way too liberal and inclusive. Seriously:

Why can’t we all just get a long (neck) And make a toast to peace and harmony Why, Why can’t we all just get a long (neck) And see how good getting a long might be I’d like buy the world around In the honky tonk neutral ground So we can see that on the inside we’re all the same Pop a top and let the good times pour Til we forget what we was fightin for As different as we may be We’re all one big family

But it sure would be nice.

Waaaaaaaaaa. Life isn't fair, whines McCain

John McComplain said Thursday that Barack Obama’s poll numbers are rising as the economy seems to sink "because life isn’t fair.” It's hard to say who's more annoying, McComplain or Project Runway's sniveling rude-ster Kenley. I think they are soul mates.

Maybe John McCain deserves another look

Wow. Not only has John McCain already won tonight's debate, he did it while his campaign was suspended! Never mind his finesse at craps. This guy's got some killer sleight-of-hand.

John McCain can't multi-task

And that's all I'm saying on the matter (at least for today).

Joined at the hip, John and Sarah

You might wonder why with only 47 days left until Election Day that John McCain and Sarah Palin haven't felt the need to divide and conquer. You don't see Obama and Biden propping each other up as they court the populace. In a "town hall" meeting in Michigan Wednesday night, McPain and Palin finished each other's sentences (two half-wits make a whole wit!) and checked each other's teeth for spinach.

Trying like hell to put that Charlie Gibson moment behind her, Palin actually challenged the audience to "stump the candidate," saying: "And if you want specifics with specific policies, you can go ahead and ask me. Ask me what the Bush Doctrine is. I dare you. I've had a week to cram since that elitist Charlie Gibson tried to mow me down with his fancy Princeton-speak. In Alaska, we know what preemptive war is. And we don't sugar coat it by calling it a "doctrine." When a polar bear is 200 miles away, a possible imminent threat to your family, you don't wait for that monster to steal your children in the night, you don't wait for global warming to send that sucker to his watery grave. You grab your AK-47, hop on your snowmobile, close the distance between you and take the bastard out."

Though between the two of them, McCain and Palin can almost wrong-headedly answer all the questions posed to them, there's rumbling in the blogosphere that a silent partner may soon come on board. If you see almost imperceptible movement beneath the podium, it's probably Joe Lieberman (a.k.a. My Precious**) under there, making sure McCain doesn't say Sunni when he means Shia and that Palin doesn't say book fire instead of book fair.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

** According to Talmudic legend, Adam is called "golem," meaning "body without a soul." Oh, what's that Joe? Whisper, whisper, whisper. They meant to say, Joe, not Adam? Thanks for clearing that up.

Sarah Palin was a community organizer. Scandalous!

If Sarah Palin wants to avoid the backlash against her denigration of Barack Obama's "community organizing," she'd better distance herself pronto from touting her humble beginnings as a PTA mom. See, it turns out, the PTA is a community organization! Gasp. And according to their Web site: "Community organizing gets results. Engaging community members, businesses, and organizations as partners in children's education can improve the learning community in many ways. For example, community partners may be able to: provide expanded learning opportunities, build broad-based support for increased school funding and provide quality after-school programs."

"I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a 'community organizer', except that you have actual responsibilities," Palin said, as she verbally shredded Barack Obama's public service resume in her speech at the Republican National Convention. I guess when she examined his resume, she just read "community organizer" at the top and was so flabbergasted, she forgot to read the rest of his "accomplishments."

I'm guessing that because she thinks community organizing requires no "actual responsibilities," her days in the PTA were numbered. Since she felt no obligation to show up for meetings or community events, she got bored pretty quickly, putting that nasty community organizing stint behind her. Being a hockey mom has been much more stimulating because at least you DO have to pick the kids up after practice—a type of commitment that mere "community organizers" wouldn't recognize if it bit them on their indolent asses.

Sasha Obama to debate Piper Palin

The public debate is already aflurry: Who's cuter—Sasha Obama or Piper Palin? Both 6-year-olds stole the show at the respective Democratic and Republican conventions—Piper by spitting on her baby brother's head and Sasha with her plaintive inquiry, "Where are you, daddy?"

So far, the two are running neck and neck in the polls. But public opinion will certainly sway when the gloves come off and the two take to their debate podiums to deflect missiles from the moderators. How will Sasha explain her lack of a flag pin? And how will Piper defend her copious expectorate?

But will the press dare to ask the important questions? Rumor has it that when it comes to cartoons, Sasha favors Kipper the Dog, who has been hounded since the discovery that his trainer is a Muslim. Piper, on the other hand, likes Tinky Winky, the openly gay Teletubby.

Henry's Travels sincerely hopes that the two will stick to the issues that 6-year-olds really care about—the inflated price of Furbies and rising cost of petro for Barbie's Beach Bus.

With bated Greenies breath, I shall wait.

Quote of the day

"The 'Straight Talk Express' should be a clown car."

— Will, Richmond, Va., CNN Politics.com

Do most Americans look like McCain?

The Wall Street Journal asked on Friday: "In a nation in which 66% of the voting-age population is overweight and 32% is obese, could Sen. Obama's skinniness be a liability? Despite his visits to waffle houses, ice-cream parlors and greasy-spoon diners around the country, his slim physique just might have some Americans wondering whether he is truly like them."

Is this a joke? Did WSJ and the New York Post participate in some sort of Freaky Friday-style stunt?

God help us.

Cindy McCain's green bean casserole recipe suspiciously like Campbells's

Reporters have just begun to plumb the depths of Cindy McCain's addiction to shoplifting recipes. First she provided the media with several McCain "old family recipes," such as "Ahi Tuna with Napa Cabbage" and "Passion Fruit Mousse," lifted from the Food Network. That should have been a red flag straightaway. Would any of your "old family recipes" call for cremini mushrooms and Napa cabbage? Your Great Aunt Nellie's pantry was stocked with staples like hog jowls and maraschino cherries.

Then she plagiarized Hershey, the foremost proprietor of confectionary goodness. The "Cindy McCain's Oatmeal-Butterscotch Cookies" recipe she gave to Family Circle was just a Hershey's re-dux.

Did she learn anything from this? Indeed. Mrs. McStickyfingers has revisited her recipes and inserted a few changes to make them truly her own. Henry's Travels obtained a copy of one of these. I think her special ingredient is enough to qualify as a substantive change in the recipe. I usually stick to Hill's Senior Hairball Kibble and Greenie's Ocean Fish crunchy bits, but I think this one might be worth a try. The extra roughage would surely improve my digestion.

John McC*nt will no longer allow himself to host his own fundraisers

When John McCain recently canceled a fundraiser that was to take place at the home of Texas oil magnate Clayton Williams, he said he was previously unaware of Williams' widely publicized "quip" to reporters that rape is like the weather: "If it's inevitable, just relax and enjoy it." I mean, really. That happened almost 20 years ago. How is McCain to remember that kind of trivia? Critics have suggested that any quick Google search to "vet" Williams would have turned up this gold nugget. In his defense, McCain doesn't know how to use a computer (he answered a reporter's "Mac or PC?" question with "Neither. I am a [sic] illiterate that has to rely on my wife for all the assistance that I can get." In addition, at the time of Williams' comment, McCain didn't have a TV or a newspaper subscription.

The McCain campaign has learned from this blunder and decided they'd better vet McCain as well. Imagine their surprise when they discovered that McCain, in public, called his wife, Cindy, a word that starts with "c" and ends with "t". (Hint: the word was not "cat.") That happened in 1992, so it's understandable that McCain had no recollection of the comment. "I was unaware that I said such a despicable thing, and so I think it's best that I not appear at any fundraisers in which I am the host, for fear it might damage attempts to raise money for myself." He concluded,"This is all my wife's fault. That c*nt forgot to remind me."

Gores: Take cue from Obamas. Fist bump trumps fish kiss, every time

Sometimes you can't re-invent the wheel, nor would you want to. Vagabond Scholar has all the information necessary for a comprehensive analysis of the "closed-fisted high-five" between Michelle and Barack Obama onstage in Minnesota last Tuesday night. If only Al Gore had employed this gesture instead of the catastrophic assault on his wife's face at the 2000 Democratic National Convention, as he attempted to hoist his cool factor from subterranean level. Ahhh, memories.

And a little cat shall lead them

Wow, I had no idea that Sen. Obama would heed my advice so quickly and let go the tether. I looked in the mirror this morning and I could swear my head is a tad bigger than it was yesterday. It makes my paws look even smaller.

Week in Review: Open letter to Barack Obama

Senator Obama, I embrace your message of change. I really do. And I think it's time to CHANGE CHURCHES. You know, everyone around here thought Rev. Wright was pretty entertaining, and sometimes he even made good points (in his sermons, not in his Tourettesian media outbursts), but this Michael Pfleger is another story altogether. I'm a cat. And cats don't have much use for church, seeing as how we're constantly told that we don't have souls. But it seems to me that if you are a churchgoer and a member of a church, then you should go to that church. Because things may have changed quite a bit since you were there last. If you don't like what you're seeing and hearing, you can get yourself off the rolls and outta dodge.

In the YouTube video of his histrionic "homily," Father Pfleger is introduced to the congregation, as if a prize fighter, as a "preacher par excellence, a prophetic, powerful pulpiteer." Then he steps into the ring and delivers what comes off like a white man doing a bad impersonation of Muhammed Ali taunting an opponent. The crowd loves it. After the three-minute fit, the (current pastor?) says, "Thank God for the message and thank God for the messenger." But I couldn't figure out what the message was. No, wait ... it's coming to me, it's coming to me .... the message is ... Barack, run for your life!!!!!

Seriously. Run for your life, man.

Starbucks needs new employee training videos

Carla's aunt was at Starbucks this morning and asked the barista-gal who she thought would win Ohio and Texas today. She replied, "When are they playing?"

It's 3 in the morning! Leave me alone.

Hillary Clinton, John McCain and Barack Obama are locked in a fierce public debate about who would best prepared to respond to a national crisis if the White House phone rang at 3 a.m. Am I the only one who thinks this question has a game-show quality about it? Each contestant could be given a horse tranquilizer, then awakened about an hour later and asked a series of random questions to determine cognitive function under sleep deprivation. At any rate, it's clear who would not be qualified in this household.

Three things in life that are certain

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Ralph Nader entering the presidential election at the last minute.
   

Pee-eww! Smells like someone dropped a stimulus package somewhere.

I was planning on donating my share of the looming tax "rebate" to the Cats for Dogs Against Romney campaign. Looks like I will now be able to save that extra change for some other good cause.

Feline suffrage: Oprah helps cats vote

I went to the polls in North Carolina today to participate in the U.S. "Super Tuesday" presidential primaries. I wandered around until I found someone who informed me that N.C. is not part of Super Tuesday. I was looking so forward to participating in the first "Cats Voting" project, which was inspired by the similar "Kids Voting" program that helps foster civic responsibility in children.

Later I turned on the news and saw that Oprah had used her influence to help a woman who had been turned away at the polls. I had my assistant phone Oprah, and her highness flew me to an Illinois polling place. In exchange for a new car, I promised to vote for her candidate, Obama, even though he has done nothing to solve the feline poverty issue. Tens of millions of cats live on America's streets, forced to steal or panhandle for food. Some even resort to violence. But at least Obama doesn't ditch animals, like Hillary, or strap his dog to the top of his car, like Romney.

I'm not above being bribed, as the car I ride in is in an abominable condition. In addition, Oprah gave me an Estee Lauder gift basket, several personal trainer sessions and a promise to recommend my blog to her Book Club participants. Finally, she offered me an audition as Miss Celie's cat in her Broadway musical, The Color Purple. The possibility that I might one day share the stage with Fantasia, a fellow North Carolinian, almost brought a tear to my cold, steely eyes.