Rash of food fighting continues in Florida

A half-hour away from where a man pummeled his ex-girlfriend for taking his Vienna sausages and where a Florida congregation tackled a fellow parishioner for stealing communion wafers, another food-related battery has occurred. This time, a man clocked his girlfriend with a cheeseburger.

(At least when people in North Carolina fight with food, it's for a good reason.)

The list of potentially dangerous perishables in the Sunshine State now includes:

• Canned weiners
• Cheeseburgers
• Unleavened bread
• Sardines

When will the carnage end?

Forgive me Father, for I have voted for Obama

If the smackdown over a Florida priest's stinginess with communion wafers wasn't enough, now a priest in South Carolina doesn't want to give up the goods either. If you voted for Obama, that is. Father Jay Scott Newman wrote in the St. Mary's Catholic Church bulletin:

"Voting for a pro-abortion politician when a plausible pro-life alternative exits constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil, and those Catholics who do so place themselves outside of the full communion of Christ's Church and under the judgment of divine law," wrote Father Newman. "Persons in this condition should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation."

He added: "Our nation has chosen for its chief executive the most radical pro-abortion politician ever to serve in the United States Senate or to run for president."

Really? I wish Father Newman (or someone else) would point me to his sources. And for crying out loud, hasn't it already been established that Obama is the most radical, socialist, baby-killing, terrorist-coddling pinko ever elected President? Enough already.

Newman wrote: "This election was effectively decided by the votes of self-described (but not practicing) Catholics, the majority of whom cast their ballots for President-elect Obama."

Well, that's one way to conserve wafers.

Floridians taking communion too seriously

A Jensen Beach, Fla., man who got a little too greedy with communion wafers "outraged" and "offended" his fellow parishioners and ended up in the slammer this morning. The man reportedly grabbed a handful of wafers from the priest and then tried to flee, but his fellow worshipers blocked his path and held him down while police were summoned.

Dag, I thought. Where is this Jensen Beach? And what kind of rough-and-tumble town is it?

So I Googled on down to Florida and did some virtual sightseeing. Turns out, Jensen Beach is just 15 miles away from the community of Fort Pierce, where on Monday a man allegedly pummeled his ex-girlfriend for eating his sardines and Vienna sausages, which the newspaper described as "a popular canned weiner product" (the Madame informed me that the proper pronunciation is Vy-EEN-uh sausages, like hyena).

In the same town, whose tourism Web site extols the residents' "peaceful quality of life," an 11-year-old boy hit his mother in the head with a saw Thursday and then offered her five bucks not to call the police. He was later booked for aggravated battery. My first thought was, what kind of mother calls the cops on her kid for inflicting a minor laceration? But it turns out, there's something seriously sociopathic going on, and I don't want to make light of that (let's just say, the family cat has been really, really lucky). Still, I've got to wonder what the heck is in the water down there.