Republicans favor tax breaks for the jobless

Really. Republicans want an economic stimulus package that focuses primarily on "fast-acting tax relief." Now I'm no economist. I'm a cat. But cat or no, it seems like a no-brainer that tax breaks aren't going to amount to a hill of beans for millions of people who are unemployed. Can someone set me straight on this? Am I missing something?

New Credit Crunch Cereal: It's deliciously nutty!

Not sure which is more disturbing—that ABC news resorted to cartoons to explain the economic crisis to its viewers or that this is how it depicts farmers. Hillbilly Bob needs that loan to fix his crazy eyes (he doesn't have health insurance).

And the pesticide image is sooooo 1960. Everyone knows you don't have to wear protective gear when you spray Roundup. Monsanto has assured us it's safer than baby powder (who cares if it kills frogs and turns tadpoles into hermaphrodites). Thumbs up!

You can watch the cartoon here. It's rated G (for golly gee!)

Good news for foreclosed homeowners: Take a bullet and you're home free!

Fannie Mae has announced they will forgive a debt owed by a 90-year-old woman who tried to kill herself as sheriff's deputies attempted to evict her from her home. The woman now lies in a hospital in critical condition due to the bullet wounds she sustained. "We're going to forgive whatever outstanding balance she had on the loan and give her the house," said a Fannie Mae spokesman on Friday "Given the circumstances, we think it's appropriate." But why—I asked the Madame—wasn't it "appropriate" to try to offer some relief beforehand to Addie Polk, who'd lived in her home since 1970.

A sorry mathematician, the Madame mused nonetheless about what percentage of the $700 billion government bailout package Mrs. Polk's mortgage amounted to. The Madame often gives thanks out loud that she and the Mister are lucky enough to pay the bank every month (so far). If we ever got evicted, she said, where on earth would we find a landlord who'd let us keep five cats? We'd have to find a cardboard box big enough for all of us, she said, though Pickles, Smilla, Isabel, Max and you would need to promise not to shred the walls, she admonished.

Wow, all this time I thought equity was the main benefit of home ownership. Damn, those people really love us.

Half the Starbucks in Houston are closed

And you wonder why Wall Street went supernova? Only 75 of Houston's 150 Starbucks are back in business after Hurricane Ike! And the stores that are open are probably doing more trade in free WiFi and clandestine showers in their bathrooms than in $4 lattes. I dearly hope the rest of the Starbucks will soon be up and running. Our economy can't take it.

As for banks, stock markets and mattresses, my money's done with that. From now on, I'm keeping all my estate on my person at all times. You may think I'm asleep, but if I feel even one of those quarters move, it's all over for you.