QOTW: Bill Mahrer

On Obama's pretty speeches:

"Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face."

Agreed.

Joe Wilson, presidential heckler, delivers Quote of the Week:

Yelled by S.C. Republican Congressman Joe Wilson at the President during tonight's address to Congress:

"You lie!"

Stay classy, dude.

Quote of the Week

John McCain, at a town hall meeting today, on what he calls a "peaceful revolt*" by Americans opposed to Obama's health care reform plan:

"I've seen involvement and engagement on the part of Americans that I have never seen the likes of which before."

More than, say, the involvement that led to his ass-kicking in November '08? That man's got serious memory impairment. Good thing he's covered by Congress's gold-plated health care insurance plan AND Medicare.

*They're revolting alright.

Whose credit card did the cat use?

see more Fail Blog

Move over, Sarah Palin. Here comes Katy Abram!

It's a good thing Chris Matthews wasn't hosting Hardball tonight, as there wouldn't be a shred of Ms. Abram left by the interview's end.

Quote of the Week

Quote of the Week: Just one more obnoxious thing T.O. said

NFL running back Terrell Owens, on Commissioner Roger Goodell's decision to make recently reinstated NFL quarterback and dog executioner Michel Vick sit out the first few regular season games of 2009:

"I think he’s done the time for what he’s done. I don’t think it’s really fair for him to be suspended four more games," said Owens. "That’s almost like kicking a dead horse in the ground."

Nice choice of words, TO.

Henry's Travels snubbed by the president

President Obama did not invite me to his meeting with "progressive bloggers" in which he asked for help exposing the misinformation about his health care plan. Said he: "I know the blogs are best at debunking myths that can slip through a lot of the traditional media outlets. And that is why you are going to play such an important role in our success in the weeks to come." Snub or no snub, I'm impressed that the president recognizes and appreciates the source of much of our real news.

Get your crack on!

Gay penguin marriages: just as fragile as straight penguin marriages

Straight penguins have no monopoly on divorce (in fact, 50 percent of penguin marriages fail), as proven by the recent dissolution of the same-sex union between San Francisco penguins Harry and Pepper. The pair lovingly raised one chick together, but the marriage apparently could not withstand the machinations of Linda, a widowed penguin with designs on Harry. Henry's Travels hopes that the same-sex marriage of two male German penguins, who are raising a chick of their own, will hold fast. The LGBT penguin community needs all the role models it can find.

War on tobacco

Isn't it bad enough that our soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan can't have a beer?

Study recommends total ban on smoking for soldiers.

QOTW, an oldie but goody

Warmonger and never-served-in-the-armed-forces Dick Cheney to Washington Post reporter George Wilson on his deferments and nonservice during the Vietnam War:

"I had other priorities in the '60s than military service."

Racism and the modern Republican party

It's old news how comments on Facebook and other virtual public forums often come back to bite public figures in the ass. What's remarkable is how long it takes the authors to realize they've been ass-bitten and feebly search for a band-aid. Case in point, Young Republican chair hopeful Audra Shay's recent Facebook fiasco (which I'm still not sure she's fully addressed):

“Obama Bin Lauden [sic] is the new terrorist… Muslim is on there side [sic]… need to take this country back from all of these mad coons… and illegals," wrote one of Shay's Facebook friends, Eric Pike."

Replied Shay: "You tell em Eric! lol"

Keep on digging, GOP.

Read all about it in today's Daily Beast.

Obituary of the week

In my newest weekly segment, Obituary of the Week, I bid farewell to Robert McNamara, Harvard grad and so-called “Architect of the Vietnam War”, at age 93. Henry's Travels is pondering why it is that Ivy league schools produce so many infamous architects. (Donnie Rumsfeld, Princeton, Pauly Wolfowitz, Cornell, Georgie Tenet, Columbia, Scooter-y Libby, Yale, and so on and so on).

I'm also wondering why warmongers enjoy such longevity. Henry's Travels is convinced Dick Cheney will live to be 110, and unlike the supposedly regretful McNamara,will still be dominating talk shows and prattling on about the effectiveness of torture.

"Torture. Wahh. Waterboard me now and I'll tell you my secret smoothie recipe. Wahh. OK, I'll tell you anyway. In a blender, mix a can of Ensure, one cup of oatmeal, a dollop of tapioca pudding and a dash of the urine of Beelzebub."

"The President is goddamned wrong on this"

That's the QOTW. Keith Olbermann, last night, on President Obama's pathetic lip service on repealing the military's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. Then today: a story that Robert Gates is proposing a "less draconian way" to enforce that rule.

Reports CNN: "For the first time, U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates is outlining potential Obama administration plans to enforce the "don't ask, don't tell" rule selectively so that some gays could serve in the military.


credit

"Gates said he is looking at ways to make the policy 'more humane', including letting people serve who may have been outed due to vengeance or a jilted lover. The remarks appeared in a transcript the Pentagon released Tuesday."

Seems like the DOD is stranded in the Land of the Outlandish.

The President is goddamned wrong on this.

Who's lovin' you

The best Michael Jackson performance ever.

The Ed Sullivan Show, 1969. 10 years old.

Klein to McCain: Shutty! (QOTW)

Joe Klein on John McCain's non-stop blathering about how Barack Obama isn't sticking his nose far enough into Iran's business:

"Be quiet," said Klein. "You don't need to do this. You know? You know what you're doing is a self-indulgent at this point. Sen. McCain, if he's going to talk about this, should also talk about the fact that the United States supported Saddam Hussein in the Iran/Iraq war for eight years. Every one of those protesters out in the streets, every last one of them believes the United States supplied Saddam Hussein with the poison gas that has debilitated tens of thousands of Iranian men."

Zing!

A friend in the White House? Not really. My QOTW.

Civil lawyer Emma Ruby-Sachs on Obama's "memo" giving two--count 'em, two--"benefits" to gay federal employees:

"I hate to be the one to explain a rights struggle to the first black President, but the equality movement is not a grab bag of rights. You don't get to reach in and see which prize you've won. Each of the rights discussed above--the right to benefits for your partner, the right to serve openly in the military and the right to access the same tax breaks and immigration privileges given to heterosexual couples--should be granted. Immediately. Granting one does not absolve trespass over the other rights."

QOTW, Installment 8, sort of

I know that a headline isn't really a quote, but this one was too good to pass up:

"Gay Penguins Raising Abandoned Chick"

QOTW Installment 7 Override

Lame call. My bad. Here's the real winner.

Actor Craig T. Nelson to I-Sure-Hope-He's-Acting Glenn Beck on American capitalism. (FOX "news" rantscript here.)

"What happened to society? I go into business, I don't make it, I go bankrupt. I've been on food stamps and welfare, did anybody help me out? No. No. They gave me hope, they gave me encouragement, and they gave me a vision."

What the frak were they serving in the green room?

Henry's Quote of the Week, 7th Installment

Malarkey courtesy of BK franchise owners in Tennessee.

Henry's Quote of the Week, 6th Installment

Sorry I'm so late getting out my QOTW. I'm not sure anyone could've trumped this anyway. John McCain's pal and Hitler-worshipper G. Gordon Liddy had this to say about Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor:

"Let’s hope that the key conferences aren’t when she’s menstruating or something, or just before she’s going to menstruate. That would really be bad. Lord knows what we would get then."

Oh, G-Go. Let's hope that the next time you open your piehole, I'm not nearby with a rocket-propelled cat-shit grenade.

Henry's Quote of the Week, 5th Installment

Rep. Joe Barton (R-Texas) on why CO2 emissions aren't causing global warming and therefore shouldn't be regulated:

"Carbon dioxide is not a pollutant in any normal definition of the term. I'm creating it as I talk to you. It's in your Coca-Cola. your Dr. Pepper and your Perrier water. It's necessary for human life. It's odorless, colorless, tasteless, doesn't cause cancer, doesn't cause asthma. There's nobody that's ever been admitted to a hospital because of CO2 poisoning."

Ah, Texans. You never let us down.

Henry's Quote of the Week, 4th Installment

Former pro wrestler and Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura on former VP Dick Cheney:

"You give me a water board, Dick Cheney and one hour, and I'll have him confess to the Sharon Tate murders."

Video here.

Henry's Quote of the Week, 3rd Installment

Octogenarian etiquettarian Letitia Baldrige on how to stop shaking hands (in a socially acceptable way) (because of the swine flu):

"When greeting people on the street or at an event, raise your right hand in a quick salute and put it back down to your side again. Accompany this gesture with a wide, friendly grin and a cheerful spoken greeting: 'Hello, George. Great to see you!' Your voice and your smile will compensate for any rejected handshake. Even if George had already put his hand out, ready to grasp yours in the old familiar warm greeting, he will understand your new gesture and will not suffer from emotional rejection."

Poor George. He spits on his hands entirely too much.

Swine flu Patient Zero?

Henry's Quote of the Week, 2nd Installment

Some of you may be wondering why I select my Quote of the Week at or near the beginning of the week rather than evaluating the contenders at the end of the week. I just think it's more challenging this way. The idea is that I have to make a call as early as possible when I see a quote that I believe isn't likely to be topped before the week is out—something that I deem so incisive, witty or outrageous that no one could possibly say anything more wise, funny or ridiculous by Thursday or Friday. I like a good gamble. (You should see me when I get anywhere near a craps table.)

If you discover a quote that you think would have been a better choice, please e-mail me and if I deem it blog-worthy, I will mention it in one of my posts.

This week's selection is a tie. I know. That might be construed as soft and indecisive. But this is my blog and I make the rules, even if they don't seem fair to you.

On former VP Dick Cheney's inability to shut the frak up about how many ways in which the Obama administration has destroyed the Union, CNN's Jack Cafferty pithily delivered:

"Please, go quail hunting and leave the rest of us alone."

Oh please, oh please, oh please. Please take Karl Rove with you.

On yesterday's military-sanctioned "photo op" of a 747-like plane skimming the New York skyline, sending shell-shocked Manhattanites ducking and covering, former Bush adviser Fran Townsend said:

"I'd call this felony stupidity."

I say get in line, Felony Stupidity. This is akin to thinking that if you waterboard someone 180 times, the prisoner will say: "OK, I was able to withstand 179, but now I've reached my limit." Reminds me of that old definition of insanity attributed to Albert Einstein: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Now I have to go cross my furry digits that Minnesota Sen. Michelle Bachmann doesn't get anywhere near an open microphone before the end of the week. Let's stroll down memory lane, shall we:

"Literally, if we took away the minimum wage—if conceivably it was gone—we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level." —Michele Bachmann, 1/26/05, Jobs, Energy and Community Development Committee, testifying against SF 3, a bill to raise the MN minimum wage and advocating the elimination of the minimum wage altogether..

"Many teenagers that come in should be paying the employer because of broken dishes or whatever occurs during that period of time. But you know what? After six months, that teenager is going to be a fabulous employee and is going to go on a trajectory where he's going to be making so much money, we'll be borrowing money from him." —Michele Bachmann, 1/26/05, explaining why teenagers should pay employers for the privilege of working instead of receiving minimum wage.

"If we allow businesses to be prosperous and accrue capital, they’ll be giving their employees more than they can even begin to imagine. But when we continue to tie cement blocks on businesses (like the minimum wage) and constrain them, they can actually do less than their employees."—Michele Bachmann, 1/26/05, testifying against SF 3, a bill to raise the MN minimum wage and explaining why it actually keeps wages and benefits lower.

By this logic, every time Bachmann opens her mouth, she will be drawing less and less of a stipend until she eventually owes the Senate money. This deranged raccoon has been breaking a LOT of dishes.

Yes I can ...

... "has cheezburger," apparently.

The Madame rushed into the room this morning, saying "You're not going to believe this, Henry! I was making my daily—oh, OK, sometimes twice daily—visit to see the funny cats and captions at Icanhascheezburger and guess what?! Your photo was selected to appear on the main page! You already have 1,651 votes for an average score of 4 and a half out of 5 cheezburgers!"

"Which photo was it?" I asked.

"The one in your Supercat cape," she said.

"You mean the one where you tied a red dinner napkin around my neck and made me sit by the window?"

"Uh huh."

"Oh good grief, woman. All right then, what did we win?"

"Nothing. Just 'fame and glory' according to the cheezburger FAQ."

"Like we didn't get enough attention when I landed on the Colbert Nation Web site in that kitty-size Wrist Strong bracelet you forced me to wear?"

"Well, I don't know how many people comprise the Colbert Nation, but according to Wired Magazine, ICHC gets 2 million hits a day."

*Sigh* "Please don't send them the photo of me in the chaps and spurs."

Max's position on climate change

Alarmed? Do I look alarmed?



I'll deny it. I'll look away.



No. I'll cover it up, then look away.



Um. Maybe the paw is not enough. I'll use the butt. Did I hit the mark? Scootch to the right, you say? Oh, good grief. I can't hide the truth.

Henry's Quote of the Week, First Installment

I know it's only Monday, but I can't imagine it getting any better than this. Meghan McCain, upon her disgust at learning that Karl Rove is following her Tweets:

"We need to take Twitter back from the creepy people."

I've been found out

The Madame is put out with me because when she wasn't in her office, I changed the name of one of her deskop file folders to "3222222222222...5c..ds." I had been trying to frame Max, but my plot failed. She said Max would've named it "askjdfa;i eh if bjx,vvvvcjilllleiopflskj78593jgiljkslj." He is long-winded that way.

No, Mr. President. It's NOT like Special Olympics.

President Obama said on The Tonight Show that his bowling prowess was "like Special Olympics." Because of Obama's foot-in-mouth moment, Special Olympian Kolan McConiughey is getting some time in the spotlight. This perfect-gamer would most certainly crush the president if they squared off at the White House lanes. Watch Kolan bowl.

Quotable quotes

On Glenn Beck:

"If the dumbing down of political commentary continues along this trajectory, the next pundit to make the grade will be a hyena. Even the leather-winged shouting heads at Fox News look like intellectual giants next to this bleating, benighted Cassandra. It's like someone found a manic, doom-prophesying hobo in a sandwich board, shaved him, shot him full of Zoloft and gave him a show.

— The Beast, 2006

To try to make up for cutting into my blogging time, the Madame submitted my likeness to Lolcats. And she added this caption. Can't believe she's an editor, but she fits right in with that ICanHasCheezburger crowd. You may leave your words of admiration here.

Competing for space

In case you're wondering where I've been: The Madame has been hogging the computer. Something about having "real" work to do. Is what I do any less real, just because I don't get paid for it? Don't lose patience, readers. I will try to exploit any available window of opportunity through which to speak my piece.

Hillary Clinton needs a new personal shopper

OK, I'm confused. The embarrassment was over the misspelling? Where's the mortification about the historical connotation of "the button"?

Felicidal tendencies?

Antichrist, schmantichrist

Sale on wingnuts, Aisle 5!

Fact check, please: America did not invent the automobile

Excerpted from Obama's address to Congress, Feb. 24, 2009:

"As for our auto industry, everyone recognizes that years of bad decision-making and a global recession have pushed our automakers to the brink. We should not, and will not, protect them from their own bad practices. But we are committed to the goal of a re-tooled, re-imagined auto industry that can compete and win. Millions of jobs depend on it. Scores of communities depend on it. And I believe the nation that invented the automobile cannot walk away from it."

Uh, dude. It was the Germans. Does the name Benz ring any bells?

Bad ass of the month (and possibly the year)

Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Did you see her OWNING the room when she entered the chamber for President Obama's address to Congress? Rocking her lace collar. Just over two weeks ago, she had major surgery for pancreatic cancer, and yesterday she was back on the job for the reconvening of the Supreme Court. Good grief. That's one cast-iron lady.

I bow to you, Your Honor.

Bye-bye, Socks

Nineteen years is a pretty good run. Hats off to ya.

GOP needs more hip-hoppers and one-armed midgets

Michael Steele said it. Not me!

Mr. President, will you be my valentine?

One latte equals 53 gallons of water?

Well, that explains a lot. Excuse me, where's the restroom?

Ousted, Peter Rabbit the Horse

Last August, I wrote about the plight of dear old Peter Rabbit the Horse and his impending cruel eviction from the town of Hickman, Nebraska. In spite of being made national fools, the heartless powers-that-be finally gave him the official boot on Feb. 5. Henry's Travels received this correspondence from Peter's owners.

To the family and friends of Peter Rabbit, the Hickman Horse:

For those of you that aren’t aware of it, we wanted you to know the status of our horse. Unfortunately, he was moved yesterday (2.5.09) to a farm a couple of miles south of town. Thankfully, everyone involved survived and there were no injuries. Both Jack and Peter Rabbit were pretty lathered up after about an hour of pushing and coaxing, but he was finally loaded in the trailer. This is not the outcome we had all hoped for, but the attorneys we consulted didn’t think we had much legal recourse. And it was obvious the City Council and Mayor were not going to allow Peter Rabbit to stay in the pasture. We would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement during this two and a half-year ordeal.

If you would like to follow this story, go to www.Journalstar.com Feel free to blog in your thoughts at this website, we would love for the Hickman City officials to know how much their actions were frowned upon. You may also contact the Hickman City officials through the City Administrator at citymanager@ckt.net Amazingly enough, the "Contact Us" icon on Hickman’s website is disabled.

Please pass this email on to everyone and perhaps we can give Peter Rabbit the recognition he deserves one last time. Again thank you everyone for all of your support.

The Scott Family

From one aging critter to another: Godspeed, Peter.

A remote control for your cat

Good luck with that one.

Henry's Trash Talk Express

In your face, John McCain. Again.

Shut up, I'm trying to watch the game

I never thought I'd be taking up for John McCain, especially while simultaneously scolding my beloved Rachel Maddow, but here goes:

There are pretty much three types of people at Super Bowl parties. (1) Some have no interest whatsoever in the game, but they like nachos and socializing. Some people (2) like those things as well, have a passing interest in the game, and are good at multi-tasking. The other kind of Super Bowl viewer is (3) someone who loves football and is really, really interested in the game. This kind of person often can't stand to have a bunch of commotion going on while he or she is watching the action and also trying to hear the announcers when a play is in dispute or other vital information is needed. We suspect Rachel is in none of the above categories, particularly the latter. However, the Madame and I are entrenched in category 3, as is, we suspect, John McCain. That's why we disagree with her assertion that McCain is snubbing Obama—and commiting a severe breach of etiquette—by declining the invitation to attend the White House's bipartisan Super Bowl party. Instead, he will watch the game at one of his six or seven houses.

If John McCain fell into either category 1 or 2, then I do think it would be in bad form not to attend Obama's shindig. But these are exceptional circumstances. John McCain is from Arizona. The Arizona Cardinals are from Arizona. The team was founded in 1898, back when McCain was just a teenager. The Cardinals have never won a Super Bowl (though they won the pre-Super-Bowl-era equivalent of it in 1947). So he has a more-than-passing interest in this game. He's a category 3, for sure.

Barack Obama (and Joe Biden) have been loud and clear about their support of the Steelers. By all accounts, the Steelers will win the game. Can you imagine what might happen if John McCain had to endure another in-your-face smackdown moment with Obama? The man is old and fragile, Rachel. Cut him some slack.




*Photo of Steelers running back Fast-Willie Parker, who hails from the Madame's childhood home.

Dick Armey damn glad he's not married to Joan Walsh

I kid you not. During what was intended to be a somewhat respectful political discussion just now on Hardball with Chris Matthews, House Republican Dick Armey interrupted Salon editor-in-chief Joan Walsh by saying something to the effect of "I'm glad you're not my wife so I don't have to hear you prattle on all the time."* As soon as a link to the video or transcript is available online, I will prove it to you. What a classy guy!

I just checked wikipedia to see if Armey actually has a wife, so that we could send her a sympathy card. I found no mention of a wife but did discover this delicious morsel, where in an episode of Family Guy, Peter meets Dick Armey and makes fun of his name, asking if his wife's name was "Vagina Coastguard."

UPDATE: *The actual quote was even pissier than I recalled: "I am so damn glad that you could never be my wife cuz I surely wouldn't have to listen to that prattle from you every day."

As promised:

Republicans favor tax breaks for the jobless

Really. Republicans want an economic stimulus package that focuses primarily on "fast-acting tax relief." Now I'm no economist. I'm a cat. But cat or no, it seems like a no-brainer that tax breaks aren't going to amount to a hill of beans for millions of people who are unemployed. Can someone set me straight on this? Am I missing something?

Blog post #248

I've been officially blogging for one year now. As you can see, it's taken a toll. It's going to be much harder in 2009 because of The Great Depression: The Sequel. Today, the NPR show Planet Money asked its listeners to suggest their own monikers for our econo-clusterfrak. My favorites so far:

David Walker: "The Not-So-Great-Depression."

Karen Ivy: "I'm with Marc Polster and Dick Evans - I like 'The Reckoning'. It has a nice Puritanical ring, as if spoken by a bearded man in a black coat (but not Ben Bernanke)."

Spoooooky.

Broken kneecaps? No such luck.

When I saw the headline that Dick Cheney would be watching the Inauguration from a wheelchair, I had all sorts of wicked fantasies. Turns out, he pulled a muscle in his back while moving. I can't believe he had to lift a finger. There are only a few million people who'd have helped get his sorry ass packed and gone.

Inauguration apparently too controversial for some Federal Way students

Humans. You never cease to amaze and entertain me. Some assbackward towns still don't seem to realize that their provincial acts are visible to the outside world via picture-tubes and the inter-webs. The words "laughing stock" should be taught in school districts like Federal Way in Washington State, where the powers-that-be have decided that students must have a signed permission slip from parents in order to watch the inauguration Tuesday.

“There is no big deal. The goal is to once again build partnerships, keep parents informed. Say ‘Hey. This is your child. Your education.’ We think it's a great opportunity. We're going to afford the kids that opportunity, but we want the parents to make that call,” said Dr. Joshua Joseph Garcia, Federal Way's Executive Director of Teaching for Learning.

The concern is that the televised inauguration was not listed in syllabus handed out at the beginning of the term. The district considers the inauguration a full length documentary, unlike some newspaper or internet reference articles which do not require pre-approval.

Students who don’t return the signed forms will go somewhere else for a different assignment.

Oh yeah, the Madame says. Like her fellow classmates who had to sit in study hall instead of going on the field trip because their forgetful parents didn't sign their permission slips.

The Madame tells me that events like shuttle launches, moon-walks and inaugurations of presidents are routine viewing in America's classrooms. We thinks we smell a rat.

Once a rat has made up its mind to groom you, there's no escaping it

The next person who puts this putrid towel on me ...

... is going to get a face full of Henry.

Do you know what cardinals are? They're essentially finches. They eat SEEDS.

It hurts. It really hurts.

Super freaky

Ever wonder what Rick James might have looked like if he'd been born in a stable?

Giddyup.

Can't we all just get along?

These guys have got it down pat.

Crisis averted: President Bush safe from potential weapons of mass destruction

Imagine if Muntazer al-Zaidi had gotten his hands on these.