Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Inauguration apparently too controversial for some Federal Way students

Humans. You never cease to amaze and entertain me. Some assbackward towns still don't seem to realize that their provincial acts are visible to the outside world via picture-tubes and the inter-webs. The words "laughing stock" should be taught in school districts like Federal Way in Washington State, where the powers-that-be have decided that students must have a signed permission slip from parents in order to watch the inauguration Tuesday.
“There is no big deal. The goal is to once again build partnerships, keep parents informed. Say ‘Hey. This is your child. Your education.’ We think it's a great opportunity. We're going to afford the kids that opportunity, but we want the parents to make that call,” said Dr. Joshua Joseph Garcia, Federal Way's Executive Director of Teaching for Learning.

The concern is that the televised inauguration was not listed in syllabus handed out at the beginning of the term. The district considers the inauguration a full length documentary, unlike some newspaper or internet reference articles which do not require pre-approval.

Students who don’t return the signed forms will go somewhere else for a different assignment.

Oh yeah, the Madame says. Like her fellow classmates who had to sit in study hall instead of going on the field trip because their forgetful parents didn't sign their permission slips.

The Madame tells me that events like shuttle launches, moon-walks and inaugurations of presidents are routine viewing in America's classrooms. We thinks we smell a rat.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Republicans afraid of musical hats!



A battle over what voters can and cannot wear to the polls is headed to court in Pennsylvania. Apparently, a woman voting in the Pennsylvania primary last spring was told she'd have to take off her Obama T-shirt before entering the booth. One might assume the poll workers intended to produce a salacious video, "Voters Gone Wild," but they were actually trying to prevent "electioneering," which is sort of like auctioneering, 'cept louder.


So now a political brawl has broken out over voter fashion. The Republican Party in Pennsylvania wants a dress code, while the Democratic Party does not. I gather that the Republicans are wary of a sartorial slippery slope. Said state GOP chairman Robert Gleason: "The first thing would be a button or a shirt, and maybe the next thing would be a musical hat."

This is clearly a scheme to sabotage the anticipated young voter turnout the Democrats hope will deliver a win for Obama. Because we all know, rebellious kids can't stand being told what not to wear—especially musical hats.


Monday, September 1, 2008

Quote of the day

"The 'Straight Talk Express' should be a clown car."

— Will, Richmond, Va., CNN Politics.com



Tuesday, August 26, 2008

CNN: A third less coverage, all the time!

Tonight, as I flipped channels to compare coverage of the Democratic National Convention, I was struck by how close to the chest CNN plays its cards. Sure, they're on 24/7, but that's just to make up for how little they actually show you. I could barely make out the head and shoulders of each keynote speaker above the sewer of graphics. Disgusted, I bellowed for my intern to fetch a tape measure. The results? On our 20-inch TV, the CNN wall-to-wall visual garbage obscured THE ENTIRE BOTTOM 6 INCHES OF THE SCREEN. There could be anything going on under there.

So for the most part, we kept it on PBS, which used only a discreet, 1-inch logo in the bottom righthand corner (all they could afford). Who cares that the audio was piped from the bottom of a well—or that Jim Lehrer kept track of his roving reporter via a 50-foot tether. I want substance, not sequins.

Friday, July 11, 2008

"Tex" Obama: Ridin', ropin' and surveillin'

Hear that sound? It's the sound of the other shoe dropping. We've been listening for it ever since our household's choice for president clinched the Democratic nomination. He said he wouldn't vote for the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) bill, but he did. Twenty-eight Senate Democrats did not, including Biden, Dodd, Kerry and Clinton, former presidential hopefuls with no one to pander to now. Sen. John McCain didn't vote at all. Presumably, he was somewhere having another melanoma surreptitiously removed.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Almost six feet under: Jesse Helms' grave is dug and ready



The Madame has once again co-opted my blog for her own purposes, but after she brought me up to speed on this Jesse Helms fellow, I wholeheartedly agreed to post the photograph she took of his prepared grave site today. The late North Carolina Senator's final resting place is less than a half-mile from our house, so she popped over this afternoon to make sure the grave diggers did an adequate job. As you can see, cemetery workers selected their best ragged tarp and warped plywood to protect the open grave from projectile phlegm and the thundershowers predicted for tonight. The bespectacled bigot will be lowered into the hole tomorrow afternoon.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Obama says his wife looks good doing it



OK, this one's for the Madame. I don't have any particular opinion about it:

On Monday afternoon, she comes in the house, slams the door and marches in here, insisting that I google for a video of Barack Obama's speech to a group of working women in New Mexico.

"Did he say what I think he said?" she fumes.

Apparently, he did. His wife, Michelle, he said, is a woman "who worked her way up from modest roots on the south side of Chicago, who has juggled jobs and parenting with more skill and grace than anybody I know." And he adds "and looks good doing it too. Heh-heh."

"Listen, Barack. What about those women who DON'T look good doing their jobs? Women who must clean fish in full-body aprons, beekeeper hats and inexplicably blue rubber gloves? Why couldn't he have added: "But not every woman can look like Michelle at work. Some of them have to scrub toilets, change dirty sheets in motel rooms, and lean over deep fryers all day. And these are just a few of the women for whom I am also a champion."

What jobs has Michelle Obama held? Lessee... She was an associate in a law firm. Then she went on to be assistant to the mayor of Chicago. After that, executive director of a non-profit organization, community affairs director at a hospital, associate dean at the University of Chicago, and so on. Vanity Fair placed her on their list of the world's Top 10 best-dressed women. In the WHOLE WORLD. And all because she doesn't have to don a hairnet while serving meatloaf in a cafeteria. To be fair, we don't know what kinds of jobs she did in high school. But it's a moot issue because Barack didn't know her then and so didn't have the opportunity to scrutinize her work attire.

"Why can't he just quit while he's ahead?, the Madame whined. "It's sort of like after that much-publicized 'fist bump'. What the reporters failed to make a kerfuffle about was the ass-pat he gave his wife as she walked away from the podium.

We don't doubt that Barack Obama is a friend to American women and women around the world. His behavior falls way short of lechery. Still, it's offputting. Ever since Sweetie-Gate, his subtle sexist comments and gestures have become more annoying. I guess now that she's made her case, I have to agree a little bit with our feather-ruffled Madame.

After her rant, the Madame asked me to surf on over to YouTube and see if I could find a 1970s Revlon ad for its perfume "Enjoli", in which a woman bragged about how she could bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and still have the time and energy to give her husband a treat beneath the sheets. I bet Barack would like the ad. Because in her business suit, it's pretty clear that the bacon this super-wife is bringing home wasn't earned while working a double-shift processing hogs in a slaughterhouse.

For all you children of the '70s, here's a trip down memory lane:


Friday, May 30, 2008

Week in Review: Open letter to Barack Obama

Senator Obama, I embrace your message of change. I really do. And I think it's time to CHANGE CHURCHES. You know, everyone around here thought Rev. Wright was pretty entertaining, and sometimes he even made good points (in his sermons, not in his Tourettesian media outbursts), but this Michael Pfleger is another story altogether. I'm a cat. And cats don't have much use for church, seeing as how we're constantly told that we don't have souls. But it seems to me that if you are a churchgoer and a member of a church, then you should go to that church. Because things may have changed quite a bit since you were there last. If you don't like what you're seeing and hearing, you can get yourself off the rolls and outta dodge.

In the YouTube video of his histrionic "homily," Father Pfleger is introduced to the congregation, as if a prize fighter, as a "preacher par excellence, a prophetic, powerful pulpiteer." Then he steps into the ring and delivers what comes off like a white man doing a bad impersonation of Muhammed Ali taunting an opponent. The crowd loves it. After the three-minute fit, the (current pastor?) says, "Thank God for the message and thank God for the messenger." But I couldn't figure out what the message was. No, wait ... it's coming to me, it's coming to me .... the message is ... Barack, run for your life!!!!!

Seriously. Run for your life, man.

Friday, May 9, 2008

John McCain is no friend to me

I haven't had a thing to eat today because no one is home to feed me. My mistress is out getting better education and training so she can deserve pay equity with the men in her field. Let's see if I understand this right. A woman in the same job as a man, with the same level of experience and time served, needs more education and training than her penised counterpart. Listen here, JC. Please cease and desist peppering your conversation with "my friends" this and "my friends" that. And stop advising women to get out of the house. I'm hungry, dammit.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Your tax dollars, boomeranged

Yesterday the lady and gentleman of the house received The Letter from the U.S. Government informing them they will be receiving the much hyped tax rebate that is part of President Bush's plan to stimulate the economy. Not only has everyone, with the exception of those living in a bunker, already heard about the rebate, most have also heard about The Letter they would be receiving informing them of the pending windfall.

Apparently, the government believed some people would be confused if they received money out of thin air. Because humans are so honest, they will not cash a mystery check that finds its way into their mailboxes, and so they would have no extra money to spend, which is vital to Stimulating The Economy.

It cost the government $42 million to mail out The Letter. The lady of the house was beside herself all day, wondering aloud how that sum of money could have been put to better use. In the hopes of shutting her up, I decided to do a little investigating to see what $42 million would buy.

For $42 million, you could do one of the following:
  • Pay the salary of 1,050 elementary school teachers for one year
  • Pay for 4.2 million flu shots
  • Buy 13 million gallons of gas
  • Spay/neuter 646,000 cats
  • Pay for 56,000 colonoscopies
  • Pay for 280,000 mammograms
  • Buy 15,556 complete sets of military body armor
I assumed I would please the lady by providing this information to her. However, she is now frothing at the mouth, and her face has turned blue.

What did I do wrong?

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Starbucks needs new employee training videos

Carla's aunt was at Starbucks this morning and asked the barista-gal who she thought would win Ohio and Texas today. She replied, "When are they playing?"

Monday, March 3, 2008

It's 3 in the morning! Leave me alone.

Hillary Clinton, John McCain and Barack Obama are locked in a fierce public debate about who would best prepared to respond to a national crisis if the White House phone rang at 3 a.m. Am I the only one who thinks this question has a game-show quality about it? Each contestant could be given a horse tranquilizer, then awakened about an hour later and asked a series of random questions to determine cognitive function under sleep deprivation. At any rate, it's clear who would not be qualified in this household.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Three things in life that are certain

  1. Death
  2. Taxes
  3. Ralph Nader entering the presidential election at the last minute.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Pee-eww! Smells like someone dropped a stimulus package somewhere.








I was planning on donating my share of the looming tax "rebate" to the Cats for Dogs Against Romney campaign. Looks like I will now be able to save that extra change for some other good cause.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Feline suffrage: Oprah helps cats vote

I went to the polls in North Carolina today to participate in the U.S. "Super Tuesday" presidential primaries. I wandered around until I found someone who informed me that N.C. is not part of Super Tuesday. I was looking so forward to participating in the first "Cats Voting" project, which was inspired by the similar "Kids Voting" program that helps foster civic responsibility in children.

Later I turned on the news and saw that Oprah had used her influence to help a woman who had been turned away at the polls. I had my assistant phone Oprah, and her highness flew me to an Illinois polling place. In exchange for a new car, I promised to vote for her candidate, Obama, even though he has done nothing to solve the feline poverty issue. Tens of millions of cats live on America's streets, forced to steal or panhandle for food. Some even resort to violence. But at least Obama doesn't ditch animals, like Hillary, or strap his dog to the top of his car, like Romney.

I'm not above being bribed, as the car I ride in is in an abominable condition. In addition, Oprah gave me an Estee Lauder gift basket, several personal trainer sessions and a promise to recommend my blog to her Book Club participants. Finally, she offered me an audition as Miss Celie's cat in her Broadway musical, The Color Purple. The possibility that I might one day share the stage with Fantasia, a fellow North Carolinian, almost brought a tear to my cold, steely eyes.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Mike Huckabee is a Racist Who Eats Squirrels

The squirrel-eating I can forgive. Here's to Christopher Hitchens for telling it like it is.

Friday, January 11, 2008

What I think of Mrs. Teary Eyes, et. al

When I mentioned I was planning to write about the 2008 U.S. presidential candidates and their experience with animals, I was asked if it would be a "non-pawtisan" article. See what I have to put up with? I despise being lumped together with feline bloggers who make unforgivable puns and spell phonetically because they think it's endearing. This is a serious forum. But to answer the question, this is a nonpartisan piece.
  • When the Clintons left the White House, their cat Socks got kicked to the curb. Fortunately, Bill's secretary was between Socks and the curb, and she took the cat home with her. I could give Hillary the benefit of the doubt and say she didn't approve of it. But we all know, if she didn't like it, snap, snap, snap, it wasn't gonna happen. For that reason, I don't think much of Mrs. Bill. I don't care that she currently has a dog. His days might be numbered.

  • Dennis Kucinich, god love him, rescues puppies from the pound. At the moment, he has a couple of beagle mixes. No cats, but that's probably because he can't find one who'll put up with a beagle. So he would've had my vote, if I had a vote. (Look for my upcoming editorial on why I think cats shouldn't be allowed to vote.) And if he was still on the ballot.
  • John McCain has the most pets of any candidate—22, if you believe what he's told the media. But I wonder ... does he have children? Is he pimping their pets to bolster his own reputation among animal-lovers? I've gotta say, if a 71-year-old man actually has, of his own volition, two dogs, two turtles, a cat, a ferret, three birds and 13 fish, then he either really loves animals or he's willing to go the distance to court the faunal vote. I, for one, will give him the benefit of the doubt. In addition, I give props to McCain because he recognizes what torture is and finds it abhorrent, which carries a lot of weight in the pet kingdom.
  • Joe Biden. Now here's a piece of work. The guy has a cat. He is apparently so dedicated to his cat that it's the only pet he has. He's the only one on the slate who has a single feline, not combined with another pet OR another cat (Bill Richardson reports having two cats). Now you know, that has got to be one spoiled cat. Sure, he has to listen to the old blowhard talking to him incessantly about anything and everything, but sometimes it's nice for a cat to feel equal to the discourse. But Joe's out, and so is Bill R.
  • Barack Obama doesn't have any pets, but he says he plans to give in to the solicitations of his kids and get a dog if he wins the White House. Hmmm. He appears to listen to his constituents. That's encouraging. But why doesn't he already have a pet? Did something happen to it? And if he did, why doesn't he have a replacement yet? Still, he's open to the idea. So I'm cautiously optimistic. After all, he claims to be the most changeful-ish of the self-anointed candidates of change. He might even change his mind and get a cat.
  • Rudy Giuliani. Chilling. Not only does he have no pets, he doesn't even explain why. It must have something to do with 9/11. Or it could be because he has so many people traipsing in and out of his house that an animal would be crushed underfoot.
  • This is interesting ... Chris Dodd (is he still alive?) claims that his family is allergic to pets. This is just a euphemism for "I hate animals."
  • I don't give a whit about John Edwards, Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee. They're all dog people ... blah, blah, blah ... and will soon be history anyway. I will say about Huckabee, however, that I wouldn't want to live with anyone who doesn't believe in evolution. I think it's important when a human gets all high and mighty about something, that I be able to remind him, with credibility, that he used to be an ape.
UPDATE: This just in ...
Sweet fancy Moses! Mitt Romney hates dogs! On June 27, 2007, The Boston Globe reported that before the Romney family's annual 12-hour family trek from Boston to Ontario in 1983, Mitt Romney put Seamus, the family's Irish setter, in a dog carrier and attached it to the station wagon's roof rack. Romney defended himself, saying he "built a windshield for the carrier, to make the ride more comfortable for the dog." What?!!!! Later, when the dog's waste began pouring down the windshield, Mitt pulled over and hosed down both the cage and the dog, then kept on trucking. My word, I'm glad this guy's campaign is tanked! I'm not making this up, folks. More about this story (and Hillary too) at http://mediamatters.org/items/200710220005.

People, I can't bear to look any deeper into this. Just hold your nose and vote.