Finally, Floridians wielding food responsibly

This time, the food fight was justified. A pizza delivery driver in Miramar hurled a pepperoni pie at three teenage thugs pointing one too many firearms at him. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Which is too bad. I really wish the perps had been blinded by hot cheese. Seriously.

So, it's time to update, yet again, the list of dangerous perishables in the state of Florida. (I can't believe no one's used grapefruits yet.)

• Canned weiners
• Cheeseburgers
• Unleavened bread*
• Sardines
• Pepperoni pizza
  

*Included for its potential to incite violence. All-around poor weapon.

Rash of food fighting continues in Florida

A half-hour away from where a man pummeled his ex-girlfriend for taking his Vienna sausages and where a Florida congregation tackled a fellow parishioner for stealing communion wafers, another food-related battery has occurred. This time, a man clocked his girlfriend with a cheeseburger.

(At least when people in North Carolina fight with food, it's for a good reason.)

The list of potentially dangerous perishables in the Sunshine State now includes:

• Canned weiners
• Cheeseburgers
• Unleavened bread
• Sardines

When will the carnage end?

The hungry kitty asks: Are you breathing? Just checking.

So, the Madame comes in and says something about how she heard that if a dog's "master" dies in the house, the dog will starve to death rather than "partake". But, she says, if a cat's caregiver dies, the cat will eat her benefactor as soon as the Meow Mix runs out. Henry, she says, is this true?

Dogs are so stupid, I said.

McDonald's offers free-range McNuggets, limited time only

A McDonald's in Temecula, California has finally captured a hen that had been living in its parking lot for four months. The company claimed the hen has gone to live on an employee's farm, but I believe they are trying to cover up a lesser-reported story that a customer complained shortly thereafter that his McNuggets were suspiciously delicious. In a very Tiananmen Square-like posture of defiance, the chicken had been planting herself in front of cars trying to exit the drive-thru. That's when the company finally said: Enough.

Also unreported in the story is the ultimate means of the chicken's capture. An anonymous source has told Henry's Travels that the company enlisted the help of the Chick-fil-A cows to nab the hen, then defaulted on a promise to release the bird into their custody. The cows, already embroiled in their own "Eat More Chikin" campaign, were too exhausted to protest. My source has also told me that the cows dispersed upon threat of becoming the centerpiece of a new value meal.

Food critic weighs in: zero stars

I'm not much of a foodie. Frankly, my diet borders on monastic. I eat kibble in the morning. Later in the afternoon, I eat a little more kibble. And in the evening, I may eat a piece of kibble I dropped on the floor in the afternoon. On a rare occasion, I might have a lick of leftover butter-residue in the omelet pan. But recently, in a moment of recklessness, I had a roast "beef" sandwich from a place called Arby's that had some sort of "cheese" and a dubious condiment called horsey sauce (I don't want to know what that is). I've come up with a slogan I think would be appropriate for this restaurant:

"Arby's. The meal you'll regret."

8 random things about me

Recently I learned about "memes", which as best I can ascertain is when one blogger "tags" another with a challenge to answer a series of questions. Then that person is to pass the challenge on to a bunch of other bloggers. It has a bit of the stink of a chain letter, I think. So as a pre-emptive strike, I'm going to provide my answers to the ubiquitous meme "8 Random Things About Me." Now you don't have to tag me, and I don't have to tag anyone else.

1. I am a fiscal conservative.
2. I have been playing with, I mean exercising with, the same toy for about 6 years. It is a modified tether ball.
   
3. When I lived on the streets, I once stole a sandwich from a homeless person.
4. Besides NFL football, I always clear my calendar for Olympic figure skating. Their motions are somewhat birdlike. And occasionally someone bashes someone else in the shins, which is a lot like football.
5. I like rats. Not to eat. To observe. I admire their cunning, their creativity and the great extent to which they value extended family. I particularly enjoyed that YouTube video in which someone filmed them having a middle-of-the-night food expedition inside the dining room of a New York City Taco Bell. I love the audio of the person on the sidewalk saying "Look. He's doing tricks for us!" Awwwww. Rats are so cute.
6. I once had an "auditory itch" or earworm (in which a song gets stuck in your head and plays over and over again) that lasted for about 12 hours. It was "Flamethrower" by J. Geils Band.
7. When I'm grooming, there is one spot on my back that I can never quite reach.
8. I am narcoleptic.