Those were the days

"The Coop," as the Madame likes to call him, is never happier than when he's waist deep in floodwater, sporting his black T-shirt and worried expression. Tonight he was back in the box in a suit and tie, pretending all was well. But we saw the forlorn look in his eyes and easily read his thoughts. "Ike, oh Ike."

CNN: A third less coverage, all the time!

Tonight, as I flipped channels to compare coverage of the Democratic National Convention, I was struck by how close to the chest CNN plays its cards. Sure, they're on 24/7, but that's just to make up for how little they actually show you. I could barely make out the head and shoulders of each keynote speaker above the sewer of graphics. Disgusted, I bellowed for my intern to fetch a tape measure. The results? On our 20-inch TV, the CNN wall-to-wall visual garbage obscured THE ENTIRE BOTTOM 6 INCHES OF THE SCREEN. There could be anything going on under there.

So for the most part, we kept it on PBS, which used only a discreet, 1-inch logo in the bottom righthand corner (all they could afford). Who cares that the audio was piped from the bottom of a well—or that Jim Lehrer kept track of his roving reporter via a 50-foot tether. I want substance, not sequins.

Home alone

Readers, it pains me to admit that this report is not coming to you from the road but rather from my own 1,800-square-foot kingdom. You see, what I thought sounded like "You're going on vacation" was in fact, "We're going on vacation." And though I'm not really home alone (as there is a human "caregiver" staying with me, along with the usual furry nitwits), I thought the subject heading would tug at your heartstrings.

Am I upset? Of course not. Had I been traveling, I would not have been able to watch CNN's round-the-clock broadcast of the exterior of Hillary Clinton's house. What's a vacation when you can ogle Hillary Clinton's draperies for 24 hours from the confines of your living room? I guess it was safe TV for those viewers plagued with motion sickness. For any of you wanting a bit more of a thrill ride, may I suggest the Naked Molerat Cam?

Headline: "Henry the Cat Joins Earth Hour '08 Blackout"

This is me, one hour ago, sitting on the bathroom floor, observing Earth Hour against my will. I'm all for conservation, as protecting the planet is to everyone's benefit, humans and mine. But seriously, turn off your lights for an hour? What kind of sacrifice is that when most people will just spend it basking in the glow of the television or blogging by the light of the monitor? Why not suck it up and eschew all electricity for one hour?

I bet if I had turned on the TV to CNN one hour ago, I would have seen the anchors commentating by candlelight, prattling on ad nauseum about the "planet in peril." Hiding in the dark for the hour was the preferable and safest thing to do, as, contrary to popular belief, cats cannot see in the dark. Really. I read it on wikipedia.

Anderson Cooper's Excellent Adventure

Since I recently referred to Anderson Cooper as a blowhard, I thought perhaps I should actually watch an episode of his show to see if my rather cavalier assessment was accurate. The show is AC 360, as CNN dubs it, which puts me in mind of Andre 3000 of OutKast. So naturally, I was expecting something a bit hip. What I wasn't expecting was to see Anderson refer to one of his interview subjects as "dude." Indeed, when his guest James Carville (who Carla informs me is quite a pill) calls himself a Washington outsider, AC360 says "Dude! You're Mister Washington." I looked at Carla, and she said "Now, Ed Bradley was a hepcat, what with his silver beard and earring and all, but he'd sooner French kiss Andy Rooney than call someone "dude" in an interview."

So from the little bit I was able to stomach of AC 360, I can't say for sure if he's a blowhard (though my Spidey senses tell me I'm on to something), but he is unequivocally a buffoon.

CNN profiles pet blogs that aren't mine

An article today on CNN's Web site chronicles the growing trend of pets with blogs. And the fodder is oh-so-predictable. Cretinous cats with unforgivably bad spelling. Obtuse dogs whose blogs are the equivalent of: "Pant, pant. Round, bouncing object. Must ... slobber ... on ... it." I'm surprised CNN didn't profile a blogging mouse who shares incisive analyses such as: "Cheeeeeze! It's not just for crackers anymore."

An erudite cat such as I can see right through this smokescreen. CNN is afraid to feature animal bloggers who might actually have something more astute to say than Wolf Blitzer (who, to the relief of wild canines everywhere, is not part of their family tree). I am less of a blowhard than Anderson Cooper and, unlike Larry King, I do not frighten small children.

CNN correspondents don't want you to know that they're being shown up by creatures without opposable thumbs (which, by the by, is highly overrated if you ask me—Blitzer has two of them, and it hasn't done a whit for his journalistic abilities).

While it's important that dogs, for example, have a way to interact with their peer group besides sphincter-sniffing, it's dangerous for self-aware animals to be excluded from the sphere of news coverage. I challenge Soledad O'Brien to investigate this sector of non-human Internet commentators, if only to show that CNN is not a coward.