John McC*nt will no longer allow himself to host his own fundraisers

When John McCain recently canceled a fundraiser that was to take place at the home of Texas oil magnate Clayton Williams, he said he was previously unaware of Williams' widely publicized "quip" to reporters that rape is like the weather: "If it's inevitable, just relax and enjoy it." I mean, really. That happened almost 20 years ago. How is McCain to remember that kind of trivia? Critics have suggested that any quick Google search to "vet" Williams would have turned up this gold nugget. In his defense, McCain doesn't know how to use a computer (he answered a reporter's "Mac or PC?" question with "Neither. I am a [sic] illiterate that has to rely on my wife for all the assistance that I can get." In addition, at the time of Williams' comment, McCain didn't have a TV or a newspaper subscription.

The McCain campaign has learned from this blunder and decided they'd better vet McCain as well. Imagine their surprise when they discovered that McCain, in public, called his wife, Cindy, a word that starts with "c" and ends with "t". (Hint: the word was not "cat.") That happened in 1992, so it's understandable that McCain had no recollection of the comment. "I was unaware that I said such a despicable thing, and so I think it's best that I not appear at any fundraisers in which I am the host, for fear it might damage attempts to raise money for myself." He concluded,"This is all my wife's fault. That c*nt forgot to remind me."