The Anal Probe

The Madam and Mister have returned from their travels. Last night they showed us photos from their trip and gave us exotic treats purchased in far away lands such as Ohio and West Virginia. But most interesting were the strange stories from the road. They saw some very unusual sights on the Interstate, including a herd of horses—an anal mustang, an anal pinto, and an anal bronco. These equines were apparently trying to outrun the anal probe.

Then the M&M explained:

Apparently, humans get bored while driving, and so they invent games to pass the time. I've heard about some of these, including "I Spy", "20 Questions", and "Punchbug." But there's a new game in town. Whenever a car passes, you insert the word "anal" before the name of the model of the car, i.e., the anal Challenger, the anal Alliance and the anal Legend.

I don't drive, but I was dying to play this delightful game. So I surfed on over to wikipedia to find the names of every car ever made by a U.S. manufacturer. Here are a few anal-isms I discovered:

• The Anal Mystique (Mercury)—This is what goes on under the tail of one of my feline roommates, Isabel, who is too fat to reach her bum. Because there's no bidet in our bathroom, the Madam must resort to weekly assisted ass-washing. The task of removal-of-mystery-bits used to fall to the tongue of our departed canine roommate, Watson. Though he was blind, he had no trouble tracking the anal essence of this corpulent calico. When he was alive, Watson was called Doodle Dog, Watson Schmatson and other terms of endearment. I think he deserves a posthumous nickname. We miss you, Anal Explorer (Ford).
• The Anal Arrow (Plymouth) and the Anal Dart (Dodge)—When you sense these projectiles approaching their bulls-eye, it's time to hop in the Anal Escape (Ford) and put the pedal to the metal.
• The Anal Acclaim (Plymouth)—"I'd like to thank my manager, my castmates and the Academy for recognizing my glorious netherlands. It makes me proud to be an Anal Celebrity (Chevy)."
• The Anal Breeze (Plymouth)—Ahhh, that feels nice.
• The Anal Fury (Plymouth)—Hell hath no fury like an anus scorned.
• The Anal Prizm (Chevy)—Even harder to see through than a regular prism.
• The Anal Alliance (Renault)—Sphincters unite!
• The Anal Dynasty (Dodge)—Not as well known as the Ming, due to substandard textbooks.
• The Anal Viking (Dodge)—Reached Constantinople long before the other Norse raiders, who upon arrival exclaimed, "Man, it stinks here."

With thanks to the Annuals (the Anal Snu), for sharing this addictive pastime.