Wednesday, May 21, 2008

And the winner is ....

Donna Summer!

The erstwhile disco diva trumped all the American Idol performances on tonight's season finale. She would have lost to Gladys Knight's 1973 archival video, but because Ms. Summer appeared in person and proved that her pipes are still as good as or better than they were in the '70s, she takes the prize. (I wasn't alive in the 70s, so the latter assertion is attributable to the Lady of the House. I trust her, for the most part, except when she says something like "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." That's when I know she's on the sauce.)

Oh, yes, where's my head, The Davids. I've digressed (I seem to be doing a lot of that lately). Cook wins the vote, and we are satisfied, if even pleased, with that. America, you got it right. You'll have another chance, in another sphere, in November, and we hope you'll get it right then too.

With your indulgence, I'd like to give out the following supplemental awards from the evening, voted on by all in attendance in our living room.
  • Best Trainwreck. Not even the superb vocal stylings of David Cook could lure the boys of ZZ Top from the land of catatonia. Maybe it was just hard for them to sing "Sharp-Dressed Man" with conviction while looking like something the cat dragged in (not a cat such as I though, as I do not drag things in—I have my servants do that). I also think they should replace their drummer with a drum machine. Carla said she believed there was someone missing, as she distinctly recalled the band had three beards.
  • Best Candid Shot of a Uterus. Since hers was the only babymaker on display, Carrie Underwood wins this award by default. But we suspect she would have won regardless. (Unless, of course, L'il Kim made an appearance.) Underwood's "I Drank Quervo Then Went Home With a Guy I Met in A Roadhouse" song was a far cry from "Jesus Take the Wheel." We think her next single should be "Jesus Take Your Robes and Drape Them Over My Lady Bits Before American Idol is Forced to Carry a Parental Advisory Warning."
  • Best Fashion Choice That Worked Despite All Reason. David Cook is just racking 'em up because he really rocked the French cuffs at the end. I kept blinking and blinking. Are those .... French cuffs? Peeking out from his jacket sleeves? I look around me——everyone is nodding, yes. Is it possible they look .... good? More nodding.
  • Best Crack Heard About Tonight's Show. Carla's father, for saying that when the Idols go on tour, Amanda Overmeyer will carry the luggage. Pa-DUM! And speaking of Miss O, was it just us, or did she look like she had been forced on stage at gunpoint?
  • Best Practical Joke. Jordin Sparks announcing Disneyworld's newest E-Ticket ride, The American Idol Experience. April Fool! Oh, that's past. May Fool, perhaps?
  • Best Surprise of the Night. George Michael! Or someone they introduced as George Michael. Carla says he was most certainly an impersonator. A bad impersonator. He had Sean Penn's hair, the Unabomber's sunglasses, a decidely un-Wake-Me-Up-Before-You-Go-Go solemnity, and a herky-jerkyness that suggested the work of a puppeteer under the impression that his marionette was William Shatner. Nonetheless, the impersonator sang well, even though he apologized unnecessarily afterward for having a cold. Carla refused to believe it was he, and nothing short of him taking his shoes off would convince her of his true identity. Apparently, George Michael had really awesome feet. As awesome as my dainty paws? I doubt it.
That's it, kids. See you back here for .... dare I say it? .... Season 8.

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