Hillary Clinton needs a new personal shopper

OK, I'm confused. The embarrassment was over the misspelling? Where's the mortification about the historical connotation of "the button"?

Tina Fey, never second-in-command

“I believe global warming is caused by man,” Poehler-as-Clinton said.

“I believe it’s just God hugging us closer,” Fey-as-Palin said.

It's 3 in the morning! Leave me alone.

Hillary Clinton, John McCain and Barack Obama are locked in a fierce public debate about who would best prepared to respond to a national crisis if the White House phone rang at 3 a.m. Am I the only one who thinks this question has a game-show quality about it? Each contestant could be given a horse tranquilizer, then awakened about an hour later and asked a series of random questions to determine cognitive function under sleep deprivation. At any rate, it's clear who would not be qualified in this household.

Feline suffrage: Oprah helps cats vote

I went to the polls in North Carolina today to participate in the U.S. "Super Tuesday" presidential primaries. I wandered around until I found someone who informed me that N.C. is not part of Super Tuesday. I was looking so forward to participating in the first "Cats Voting" project, which was inspired by the similar "Kids Voting" program that helps foster civic responsibility in children.

Later I turned on the news and saw that Oprah had used her influence to help a woman who had been turned away at the polls. I had my assistant phone Oprah, and her highness flew me to an Illinois polling place. In exchange for a new car, I promised to vote for her candidate, Obama, even though he has done nothing to solve the feline poverty issue. Tens of millions of cats live on America's streets, forced to steal or panhandle for food. Some even resort to violence. But at least Obama doesn't ditch animals, like Hillary, or strap his dog to the top of his car, like Romney.

I'm not above being bribed, as the car I ride in is in an abominable condition. In addition, Oprah gave me an Estee Lauder gift basket, several personal trainer sessions and a promise to recommend my blog to her Book Club participants. Finally, she offered me an audition as Miss Celie's cat in her Broadway musical, The Color Purple. The possibility that I might one day share the stage with Fantasia, a fellow North Carolinian, almost brought a tear to my cold, steely eyes.

What I think of Mrs. Teary Eyes, et. al

When I mentioned I was planning to write about the 2008 U.S. presidential candidates and their experience with animals, I was asked if it would be a "non-pawtisan" article. See what I have to put up with? I despise being lumped together with feline bloggers who make unforgivable puns and spell phonetically because they think it's endearing. This is a serious forum. But to answer the question, this is a nonpartisan piece.

• When the Clintons left the White House, their cat Socks got kicked to the curb. Fortunately, Bill's secretary was between Socks and the curb, and she took the cat home with her. I could give Hillary the benefit of the doubt and say she didn't approve of it. But we all know, if she didn't like it, snap, snap, snap, it wasn't gonna happen. For that reason, I don't think much of Mrs. Bill. I don't care that she currently has a dog. His days might be numbered.


• Dennis Kucinich, god love him, rescues puppies from the pound. At the moment, he has a couple of beagle mixes. No cats, but that's probably because he can't find one who'll put up with a beagle. So he would've had my vote, if I had a vote. (Look for my upcoming editorial on why I think cats shouldn't be allowed to vote.) And if he was still on the ballot.
  

• John McCain has the most pets of any candidate—22, if you believe what he's told the media. But I wonder ... does he have children? Is he pimping their pets to bolster his own reputation among animal-lovers? I've gotta say, if a 71-year-old man actually has, of his own volition, two dogs, two turtles, a cat, a ferret, three birds and 13 fish, then he either really loves animals or he's willing to go the distance to court the faunal vote. I, for one, will give him the benefit of the doubt. In addition, I give props to McCain because he recognizes what torture is and finds it abhorrent, which carries a lot of weight in the pet kingdom.

• Joe Biden. Now here's a piece of work. The guy has a cat. He is apparently so dedicated to his cat that it's the only pet he has. He's the only one on the slate who has a single feline, not combined with another pet OR another cat (Bill Richardson reports having two cats). Now you know, that has got to be one spoiled cat. Sure, he has to listen to the old blowhard talking to him incessantly about anything and everything, but sometimes it's nice for a cat to feel equal to the discourse. But Joe's out, and so is Bill R.

• Barack Obama doesn't have any pets, but he says he plans to give in to the solicitations of his kids and get a dog if he wins the White House. Hmmm. He appears to listen to his constituents. That's encouraging. But why doesn't he already have a pet? Did something happen to it? And if he did, why doesn't he have a replacement yet? Still, he's open to the idea. So I'm cautiously optimistic. After all, he claims to be the most changeful-ish of the self-anointed candidates of change. He might even change his mind and get a cat.

• Rudy Giuliani. Chilling. Not only does he have no pets, he doesn't even explain why. It must have something to do with 9/11. Or it could be because he has so many people traipsing in and out of his house that an animal would be crushed underfoot.

• This is interesting ... Chris Dodd (is he still alive?) claims that his family is allergic to pets. This is just a euphemism for "I hate animals."

• I don't give a whit about John Edwards, Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee. They're all dog people ... blah, blah, blah ... and will soon be history anyway. I will say about Huckabee, however, that I wouldn't want to live with anyone who doesn't believe in evolution. I think it's important when a human gets all high and mighty about something, that I be able to remind him, with credibility, that he used to be an ape.

UPDATE: This just in ...
Sweet fancy Moses! Mitt Romney hates dogs! On June 27, 2007, The Boston Globe reported that before the Romney family's annual 12-hour family trek from Boston to Ontario in 1983, Mitt Romney put Seamus, the family's Irish setter, in a dog carrier and attached it to the station wagon's roof rack. Romney defended himself, saying he "built a windshield for the carrier, to make the ride more comfortable for the dog." What?!!!! Later, when the dog's waste began pouring down the windshield, Mitt pulled over and hosed down both the cage and the dog, then kept on trucking. My word, I'm glad this guy's campaign is tanked! I'm not making this up, folks. More about this story (and Hillary too) at http://mediamatters.org/items/200710220005.

People, I can't bear to look any deeper into this. Just hold your nose and vote.