Henry's Travels

Farewell, Henry

2011-05-22T13:51:00.003-04:00

Henry, beloved friend of the Madame and Mister, died January 25, 2011 at age 16. If there's snark in the afterlife, she is surely notorious.

QOTW: Bill Mahrer

2009-09-13T14:11:00.001-04:00

On Obama's pretty speeches:

"Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face."

Agreed.

Joe Wilson, presidential heckler, delivers Quote of the Week:

2009-09-09T21:35:00.004-04:00

Yelled by S.C. Republican Congressman Joe Wilson at the President during tonight's address to Congress:

"You lie!"

Stay classy, dude.

Quote of the Week

2009-08-25T21:22:00.005-04:00

John McCain, at a town hall meeting today, on what he calls a "peaceful revolt*" by Americans opposed to Obama's health care reform plan:

"I've seen involvement and engagement on the part of Americans that I have never seen the likes of which before."

More than, say, the involvement that led to his ass-kicking in November '08? That man's got serious memory impairment. Good thing he's covered by Congress's gold-plated health care insurance plan AND Medicare.

*They're revolting alright.

Whose credit card did the cat use?

2009-08-17T18:44:00.001-04:00

see more Fail Blog

Move over, Sarah Palin. Here comes Katy Abram!

2009-08-12T20:59:00.003-04:00

It's a good thing Chris Matthews wasn't hosting Hardball tonight, as there wouldn't be a shred of Ms. Abram left by the interview's end.

Quote of the Week

2009-08-10T14:35:00.000-04:00

Quote of the Week: Just one more obnoxious thing T.O. said

2009-07-27T19:08:00.005-04:00

NFL running back Terrell Owens, on Commissioner Roger Goodell's decision to make recently reinstated NFL quarterback and dog executioner Michel Vick sit out the first few regular season games of 2009:

"I think he’s done the time for what he’s done. I don’t think it’s really fair for him to be suspended four more games," said Owens. "That’s almost like kicking a dead horse in the ground."

Nice choice of words, TO.

Henry's Travels snubbed by the president

2009-07-20T21:48:00.004-04:00

President Obama did not invite me to his meeting with "progressive bloggers" in which he asked for help exposing the misinformation about his health care plan. Said he: "I know the blogs are best at debunking myths that can slip through a lot of the traditional media outlets. And that is why you are going to play such an important role in our success in the weeks to come." Snub or no snub, I'm impressed that the president recognizes and appreciates the source of much of our real news.

Get your crack on!

2009-07-17T01:58:00.002-04:00

Gay penguin marriages: just as fragile as straight penguin marriages

2009-07-16T16:05:00.004-04:00

Straight penguins have no monopoly on divorce (in fact, 50 percent of penguin marriages fail), as proven by the recent dissolution of the same-sex union between San Francisco penguins Harry and Pepper. The pair lovingly raised one chick together, but the marriage apparently could not withstand the machinations of Linda, a widowed penguin with designs on Harry. Henry's Travels hopes that the same-sex marriage of two male German penguins, who are raising a chick of their own, will hold fast. The LGBT penguin community needs all the role models it can find.

War on tobacco

2009-07-12T16:56:00.005-04:00

Isn't it bad enough that our soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan can't have a beer?

Study recommends total ban on smoking for soldiers.

QOTW, an oldie but goody

2009-07-10T20:25:00.004-04:00

Warmonger and never-served-in-the-armed-forces Dick Cheney to Washington Post reporter George Wilson on his deferments and nonservice during the Vietnam War :

"I had other priorities in the '60s than military service."

Racism and the modern Republican party

2009-07-06T18:44:00.005-04:00

It's old news how comments on Facebook and other virtual public forums often come back to bite public figures in the ass. What's remarkable is how long it takes the authors to realize they've been ass-bitten and feebly search for a band-aid. Case in point, Young Republican chair hopeful Audra Shay's recent Facebook fiasco (which I'm still not sure she's fully addressed):

“Obama Bin Lauden [sic] is the new terrorist… Muslim is on there side [sic]… need to take this country back from all of these mad coons… and illegals," wrote one of Shay's Facebook friends, Eric Pike."

Replied Shay: "You tell em Eric! lol"

Keep on digging, GOP.

Read all about it in today's Daily Beast.

Obituary of the week

2009-07-06T17:48:00.004-04:00

In my newest weekly segment, Obituary of the Week, I bid farewell to Robert McNamara, Harvard grad and so-called “Architect of the Vietnam War”, at age 93. Henry's Travels is pondering why it is that Ivy league schools produce so many infamous architects. (Donnie Rumsfeld, Princeton, Pauly Wolfowitz, Cornell, Georgie Tenet, Columbia, Scooter-y Libby, Yale, and so on and so on).

I'm also wondering why warmongers enjoy such longevity. Henry's Travels is convinced Dick Cheney will live to be 110, and unlike the supposedly regretful McNamara,will still be dominating talk shows and prattling on about the effectiveness of torture.

"Torture. Wahh. Waterboard me now and I'll tell you my secret smoothie recipe. Wahh. OK, I'll tell you anyway. In a blender, mix a can of Ensure, one cup of oatmeal, a dollop of tapioca pudding and a dash of the urine of Beelzebub."

"The President is goddamned wrong on this"

2009-07-01T16:46:00.005-04:00

That's the QOTW. Keith Olbermann, last night, on President Obama's pathetic lip service on repealing the military's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. Then today: a story that Robert Gates is proposing a "less draconian way" to enforce that rule.

Reports CNN: "For the first time, U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates is outlining potential Obama administration plans to enforce the "don't ask, don't tell" rule selectively so that some gays could serve in the military.

credit

"Gates said he is looking at ways to make the policy 'more humane', including letting people serve who may have been outed due to vengeance or a jilted lover. The remarks appeared in a transcript the Pentagon released Tuesday."

Seems like the DOD is stranded in the Land of the Outlandish.

The President is goddamned wrong on this.

Who's lovin' you

2009-06-27T18:32:00.004-04:00

The best Michael Jackson performance ever.

The Ed Sullivan Show, 1969. 10 years old.

Klein to McCain: Shutty! (QOTW)

2009-06-24T18:01:00.002-04:00

Joe Klein on John McCain's non-stop blathering about how Barack Obama isn't sticking his nose far enough into Iran's business:

"Be quiet," said Klein. "You don't need to do this. You know? You know what you're doing is a self-indulgent at this point. Sen. McCain, if he's going to talk about this, should also talk about the fact that the United States supported Saddam Hussein in the Iran/Iraq war for eight years. Every one of those protesters out in the streets, every last one of them believes the United States supplied Saddam Hussein with the poison gas that has debilitated tens of thousands of Iranian men."

Zing!

A friend in the White House? Not really. My QOTW.

2009-06-17T20:23:00.008-04:00

Civil lawyer Emma Ruby-Sachs on Obama's "memo" giving two--count 'em, two--"benefits" to gay federal employees:

"I hate to be the one to explain a rights struggle to the first black President, but the equality movement is not a grab bag of rights. You don't get to reach in and see which prize you've won. Each of the rights discussed above--the right to benefits for your partner, the right to serve openly in the military and the right to access the same tax breaks and immigration privileges given to heterosexual couples--should be granted. Immediately. Granting one does not absolve trespass over the other rights."

QOTW, Installment 8, sort of

2009-06-08T15:44:00.003-04:00

I know that a headline isn't really a quote, but this one was too good to pass up:

"Gay Penguins Raising Abandoned Chick"

QOTW Installment 7 Override

2009-06-04T14:56:00.002-04:00

Lame call. My bad. Here's the real winner.

Actor Craig T. Nelson to I-Sure-Hope-He's-Acting Glenn Beck on American capitalism. (FOX "news" rantscript here.)

"What happened to society? I go into business, I don't make it, I go bankrupt. I've been on food stamps and welfare, did anybody help me out? No. No. They gave me hope, they gave me encouragement, and they gave me a vision."

What the frak were they serving in the green room?

Henry's Quote of the Week, 7th Installment

2009-06-04T02:36:00.004-04:00

Malarkey courtesy of BK franchise owners in Tennessee.

Henry's Quote of the Week, 6th Installment

2009-05-29T21:22:00.004-04:00

Sorry I'm so late getting out my QOTW. I'm not sure anyone could've trumped this anyway. John McCain's pal and Hitler-worshipper G. Gordon Liddy had this to say about Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor:

"Let’s hope that the key conferences aren’t when she’s menstruating or something, or just before she’s going to menstruate. That would really be bad. Lord knows what we would get then."

Oh, G-Go. Let's hope that the next time you open your piehole, I'm not nearby with a rocket-propelled cat-shit grenade.

Henry's Quote of the Week, 5th Installment

2009-05-20T01:59:00.005-04:00

Rep. Joe Barton (R-Texas) on why CO2 emissions aren't causing global warming and therefore shouldn't be regulated:

"Carbon dioxide is not a pollutant in any normal definition of the term. I'm creating it as I talk to you. It's in your Coca-Cola. your Dr. Pepper and your Perrier water. It's necessary for human life. It's odorless, colorless, tasteless, doesn't cause cancer, doesn't cause asthma. There's nobody that's ever been admitted to a hospital because of CO2 poisoning."

Ah, Texans. You never let us down.

Henry's Quote of the Week, 4th Installment

2009-05-15T10:03:00.003-04:00

Former pro wrestler and Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura on former VP Dick Cheney:

"You give me a water board, Dick Cheney and one hour, and I'll have him confess to the Sharon Tate murders."

Video here.

Henry's Quote of the Week, 3rd Installment

2009-05-04T22:56:00.005-04:00

Octogenarian etiquettarian Letitia Baldrige on how to stop shaking hands (in a socially acceptable way) (because of the swine flu):

"When greeting people on the street or at an event, raise your right hand in a quick salute and put it back down to your side again. Accompany this gesture with a wide, friendly grin and a cheerful spoken greeting: 'Hello, George. Great to see you!' Your voice and your smile will compensate for any rejected handshake. Even if George had already put his hand out, ready to grasp yours in the old familiar warm greeting, he will understand your new gesture and will not suffer from emotional rejection."

Poor George. He spits on his hands entirely too much.

Swine flu Patient Zero?

2009-04-30T18:08:00.000-04:00

Henry's Quote of the Week, 2nd Installment

2009-04-28T07:35:00.002-04:00

Some of you may be wondering why I select my Quote of the Week at or near the beginning of the week rather than evaluating the contenders at the end of the week. I just think it's more challenging this way. The idea is that I have to make a call as early as possible when I see a quote that I believe isn't likely to be topped before the week is out—something that I deem so incisive, witty or outrageous that no one could possibly say anything more wise, funny or ridiculous by Thursday or Friday. I like a good gamble. (You should see me when I get anywhere near a craps table.)

If you discover a quote that you think would have been a better choice, please e-mail me and if I deem it blog-worthy, I will mention it in one of my posts.

This week's selection is a tie. I know. That might be construed as soft and indecisive. But this is my blog and I make the rules, even if they don't seem fair to you.

On former VP Dick Cheney's inability to shut the frak up about how many ways in which the Obama administration has destroyed the Union, CNN's Jack Cafferty pithily delivered:

"Please, go quail hunting and leave the rest of us alone."

Oh please, oh please, oh please. Please take Karl Rove with you.

On yesterday's military-sanctioned "photo op" of a 747-like plane skimming the New York skyline, sending shell-shocked Manhattanites ducking and covering, former Bush adviser Fran Townsend said:

"I'd call this felony stupidity."

I say get in line, Felony Stupidity. This is akin to thinking that if you waterboard someone 180 times, the prisoner will say: "OK, I was able to withstand 179, but now I've reached my limit." Reminds me of that old definition of insanity attributed to Albert Einstein: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Now I have to go cross my furry digits that Minnesota Sen. Michelle Bachmann doesn't get anywhere near an open microphone before the end of the week. Let's stroll down memory lane, shall we:

"Literally, if we took away the minimum wage—if conceivably it was gone—we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level." —Michele Bachmann, 1/26/05, Jobs, Energy and Community Development Committee, testifying against SF 3, a bill to raise the MN minimum wage and advocating the elimination of the minimum wage altogether..

"Many teenagers that come in should be paying the employer because of broken dishes or whatever occurs during that period of time. But you know what? After six months, that teenager is going to be a fabulous employee and is going to go on a trajectory where he's going to be making so much money, we'll be borrowing money from him." —Michele Bachmann, 1/26/05, explaining why teenagers should pay employers for the privilege of working instead of receiving minimum wage.

"If we allow businesses to be prosperous and accrue capital, they’ll be giving their employees more than they can even begin to imagine. But when we continue to tie cement blocks on businesses (like the minimum wage) and constrain them, they can actually do less than their employees."—Michele Bachmann, 1/26/05, testifying against SF 3, a bill to raise the MN minimum wage and explaining why it actually keeps wages and benefits lower.

By this logic, every time Bachmann opens her mouth, she will be drawing less and less of a stipend until she eventually owes the Senate money. This deranged raccoon has been breaking a LOT of dishes.

Yes I can ...

2009-04-26T16:42:00.004-04:00

... "has cheezburger," apparently.

The Madame rushed into the room this morning, saying "You're not going to believe this, Henry! I was making my daily—oh, OK, sometimes twice daily—visit to see the funny cats and captions at Icanhascheezburger and guess what?! Your photo was selected to appear on the main page! You already have 1,651 votes for an average score of 4 and a half out of 5 cheezburgers!"

"Which photo was it?" I asked.

"The one in your Supercat cape," she said.

"You mean the one where you tied a red dinner napkin around my neck and made me sit by the window?"

"Uh huh."

"Oh good grief, woman. All right then, what did we win?"

"Nothing. Just 'fame and glory' according to the cheezburger FAQ."

"Like we didn't get enough attention when I landed on the Colbert Nation Web site in that kitty-size Wrist Strong bracelet you forced me to wear?"

"Well, I don't know how many people comprise the Colbert Nation, but according to Wired Magazine, ICHC gets 2 million hits a day."

*Sigh* "Please don't send them the photo of me in the chaps and spurs."

Max's position on climate change

2009-04-23T15:16:00.005-04:00

Alarmed? Do I look alarmed?

I'll deny it. I'll look away.

No. I'll cover it up, then look away.

Um. Maybe the paw is not enough. I'll use the butt. Did I hit the mark? Scootch to the right, you say? Oh, good grief. I can't hide the truth.

Henry's Quote of the Week, First Installment

2009-04-20T16:42:00.005-04:00

I know it's only Monday, but I can't imagine it getting any better than this. Meghan McCain, upon her disgust at learning that Karl Rove is following her Tweets:

"We need to take Twitter back from the creepy people."

2009-04-12T19:33:00.000-04:00

I've been found out

2009-03-29T16:09:00.004-04:00

The Madame is put out with me because when she wasn't in her office, I changed the name of one of her deskop file folders to "3222222222222...5c..ds." I had been trying to frame Max, but my plot failed. She said Max would've named it "askjdfa;i eh if bjx,vvvvcjilllleiopflskj78593jgiljkslj." He is long-winded that way.

No, Mr. President. It's NOT like Special Olympics.

2009-03-21T19:58:00.006-04:00

President Obama said on The Tonight Show that his bowling prowess was "like Special Olympics." Because of Obama's foot-in-mouth moment, Special Olympian Kolan McConiughey is getting some time in the spotlight. This perfect-gamer would most certainly crush the president if they squared off at the White House lanes. Watch Kolan bowl.

Quotable quotes

2009-03-18T22:50:00.004-04:00

On Glenn Beck:

"If the dumbing down of political commentary continues along this trajectory, the next pundit to make the grade will be a hyena. Even the leather-winged shouting heads at Fox News look like intellectual giants next to this bleating, benighted Cassandra. It's like someone found a manic, doom-prophesying hobo in a sandwich board, shaved him, shot him full of Zoloft and gave him a show.

— The Beast, 2006

2009-03-15T00:21:00.006-04:00

To try to make up for cutting into my blogging time, the Madame submitted my likeness to Lolcats. And she added this caption. Can't believe she's an editor, but she fits right in with that ICanHasCheezburger crowd. You may leave your words of admiration here.

Competing for space

2009-03-10T00:52:00.002-04:00

In case you're wondering where I've been: The Madame has been hogging the computer. Something about having "real" work to do. Is what I do any less real, just because I don't get paid for it? Don't lose patience, readers. I will try to exploit any available window of opportunity through which to speak my piece.

Hillary Clinton needs a new personal shopper

2009-03-10T00:41:00.003-04:00

OK, I'm confused. The embarrassment was over the misspelling? Where's the mortification about the historical connotation of "the button"?

Felicidal tendencies?

2009-03-10T00:37:00.002-04:00

Antichrist, schmantichrist

2009-02-26T00:52:00.006-05:00

Sale on wingnuts, Aisle 5!

Fact check, please: America did not invent the automobile

2009-02-24T22:23:00.003-05:00

Excerpted from Obama's address to Congress, Feb. 24, 2009:

"As for our auto industry, everyone recognizes that years of bad decision-making and a global recession have pushed our automakers to the brink. We should not, and will not, protect them from their own bad practices. But we are committed to the goal of a re-tooled, re-imagined auto industry that can compete and win. Millions of jobs depend on it. Scores of communities depend on it. And I believe the nation that invented the automobile cannot walk away from it."

Uh, dude. It was the Germans. Does the name Benz ring any bells?

Bad ass of the month (and possibly the year)

2009-02-24T21:23:00.003-05:00

Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Did you see her OWNING the room when she entered the chamber for President Obama's address to Congress? Rocking her lace collar. Just over two weeks ago, she had major surgery for pancreatic cancer, and yesterday she was back on the job for the reconvening of the Supreme Court. Good grief. That's one cast-iron lady.

I bow to you, Your Honor.

2009-02-21T18:46:00.000-05:00

Bye-bye, Socks

2009-02-20T18:13:00.001-05:00

Nineteen years is a pretty good run. Hats off to ya.

GOP needs more hip-hoppers and one-armed midgets

2009-02-19T14:08:00.002-05:00

Michael Steele said it. Not me!

Mr. President, will you be my valentine?

2009-02-14T00:01:00.000-05:00

One latte equals 53 gallons of water?

2009-02-13T14:04:00.001-05:00

Well, that explains a lot. Excuse me, where's the restroom?

Ousted, Peter Rabbit the Horse

2009-02-12T18:44:00.004-05:00

Last August, I wrote about the plight of dear old Peter Rabbit the Horse and his impending cruel eviction from the town of Hickman, Nebraska. In spite of being made national fools, the heartless powers-that-be finally gave him the official boot on Feb. 5. Henry's Travels received this correspondence from Peter's owners.

To the family and friends of Peter Rabbit, the Hickman Horse:

For those of you that aren’t aware of it, we wanted you to know the status of our horse. Unfortunately, he was moved yesterday (2.5.09) to a farm a couple of miles south of town. Thankfully, everyone involved survived and there were no injuries. Both Jack and Peter Rabbit were pretty lathered up after about an hour of pushing and coaxing, but he was finally loaded in the trailer. This is not the outcome we had all hoped for, but the attorneys we consulted didn’t think we had much legal recourse. And it was obvious the City Council and Mayor were not going to allow Peter Rabbit to stay in the pasture. We would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement during this two and a half-year ordeal.

If you would like to follow this story, go to www.Journalstar.com Feel free to blog in your thoughts at this website, we would love for the Hickman City officials to know how much their actions were frowned upon. You may also contact the Hickman City officials through the City Administrator at citymanager@ckt.net Amazingly enough, the "Contact Us" icon on Hickman’s website is disabled.

Please pass this email on to everyone and perhaps we can give Peter Rabbit the recognition he deserves one last time. Again thank you everyone for all of your support.

The Scott Family

From one aging critter to another: Godspeed, Peter.

A remote control for your cat

2009-02-12T00:06:00.001-05:00

Good luck with that one.

Henry's Trash Talk Express

2009-02-02T00:07:00.004-05:00

In your face, John McCain. Again.

Shut up, I'm trying to watch the game

2009-01-31T17:07:00.003-05:00

I never thought I'd be taking up for John McCain, especially while simultaneously scolding my beloved Rachel Maddow, but here goes:

There are pretty much three types of people at Super Bowl parties. (1) Some have no interest whatsoever in the game, but they like nachos and socializing. Some people (2) like those things as well, have a passing interest in the game, and are good at multi-tasking. The other kind of Super Bowl viewer is (3) someone who loves football and is really, really interested in the game. This kind of person often can't stand to have a bunch of commotion going on while he or she is watching the action and also trying to hear the announcers when a play is in dispute or other vital information is needed. We suspect Rachel is in none of the above categories, particularly the latter. However, the Madame and I are entrenched in category 3, as is, we suspect, John McCain. That's why we disagree with her assertion that McCain is snubbing Obama—and commiting a severe breach of etiquette—by declining the invitation to attend the White House's bipartisan Super Bowl party. Instead, he will watch the game at one of his six or seven houses.

If John McCain fell into either category 1 or 2, then I do think it would be in bad form not to attend Obama's shindig. But these are exceptional circumstances. John McCain is from Arizona. The Arizona Cardinals are from Arizona. The team was founded in 1898, back when McCain was just a teenager. The Cardinals have never won a Super Bowl (though they won the pre-Super-Bowl-era equivalent of it in 1947). So he has a more-than-passing interest in this game. He's a category 3, for sure.

Barack Obama (and Joe Biden) have been loud and clear about their support of the Steelers. By all accounts, the Steelers will win the game. Can you imagine what might happen if John McCain had to endure another in-your-face smackdown moment with Obama? The man is old and fragile, Rachel. Cut him some slack.

*Photo of Steelers running back Fast-Willie Parker, who hails from the Madame's childhood home.

Dick Armey damn glad he's not married to Joan Walsh

2009-01-28T18:12:00.004-05:00

I kid you not. During what was intended to be a somewhat respectful political discussion just now on Hardball with Chris Matthews, House Republican Dick Armey interrupted Salon editor-in-chief Joan Walsh by saying something to the effect of "I'm glad you're not my wife so I don't have to hear you prattle on all the time."* As soon as a link to the video or transcript is available online, I will prove it to you. What a classy guy!

I just checked wikipedia to see if Armey actually has a wife, so that we could send her a sympathy card. I found no mention of a wife but did discover this delicious morsel, where in an episode of Family Guy, Peter meets Dick Armey and makes fun of his name, asking if his wife's name was "Vagina Coastguard."

UPDATE: *The actual quote was even pissier than I recalled: "I am so damn glad that you could never be my wife cuz I surely wouldn't have to listen to that prattle from you every day."

As promised:

Republicans favor tax breaks for the jobless

2009-01-28T17:32:00.003-05:00

Really. Republicans want an economic stimulus package that focuses primarily on "fast-acting tax relief." Now I'm no economist. I'm a cat. But cat or no, it seems like a no-brainer that tax breaks aren't going to amount to a hill of beans for millions of people who are unemployed. Can someone set me straight on this? Am I missing something?

Blog post #248

2009-01-26T20:22:00.003-05:00

I've been officially blogging for one year now. As you can see, it's taken a toll. It's going to be much harder in 2009 because of The Great Depression: The Sequel. Today, the NPR show Planet Money asked its listeners to suggest their own monikers for our econo-clusterfrak. My favorites so far:

David Walker: "The Not-So-Great-Depression."

Karen Ivy: "I'm with Marc Polster and Dick Evans - I like 'The Reckoning'. It has a nice Puritanical ring, as if spoken by a bearded man in a black coat (but not Ben Bernanke)."

Spoooooky.

Broken kneecaps? No such luck.

2009-01-20T10:03:00.004-05:00

When I saw the headline that Dick Cheney would be watching the Inauguration from a wheelchair, I had all sorts of wicked fantasies. Turns out, he pulled a muscle in his back while moving. I can't believe he had to lift a finger. There are only a few million people who'd have helped get his sorry ass packed and gone.

Inauguration apparently too controversial for some Federal Way students

2009-01-17T17:06:00.004-05:00

Humans. You never cease to amaze and entertain me. Some assbackward towns still don't seem to realize that their provincial acts are visible to the outside world via picture-tubes and the inter-webs. The words "laughing stock" should be taught in school districts like Federal Way in Washington State, where the powers-that-be have decided that students must have a signed permission slip from parents in order to watch the inauguration Tuesday.

“There is no big deal. The goal is to once again build partnerships, keep parents informed. Say ‘Hey. This is your child. Your education.’ We think it's a great opportunity. We're going to afford the kids that opportunity, but we want the parents to make that call,” said Dr. Joshua Joseph Garcia, Federal Way's Executive Director of Teaching for Learning.
The concern is that the televised inauguration was not listed in syllabus handed out at the beginning of the term. The district considers the inauguration a full length documentary, unlike some newspaper or internet reference articles which do not require pre-approval.
Students who don’t return the signed forms will go somewhere else for a different assignment.

Oh yeah, the Madame says. Like her fellow classmates who had to sit in study hall instead of going on the field trip because their forgetful parents didn't sign their permission slips.

The Madame tells me that events like shuttle launches, moon-walks and inaugurations of presidents are routine viewing in America's classrooms. We thinks we smell a rat.

Once a rat has made up its mind to groom you, there's no escaping it

2009-01-16T19:51:00.002-05:00

The next person who puts this putrid towel on me ...

2009-01-11T21:33:00.007-05:00

... is going to get a face full of Henry.

Do you know what cardinals are? They're essentially finches. They eat SEEDS.

It hurts. It really hurts.

Super freaky

2009-01-09T15:21:00.002-05:00

Ever wonder what Rick James might have looked like if he'd been born in a stable?

Giddyup.

Can't we all just get along?

2009-01-04T20:41:00.002-05:00

These guys have got it down pat.

Crisis averted: President Bush safe from potential weapons of mass destruction

2009-01-02T13:31:00.005-05:00

Imagine if Muntazer al-Zaidi had gotten his hands on these.

The sniff test

2008-12-25T00:07:00.000-05:00

Be sure to smell eggnog to check for spoilage before partaking.

Damn.

2008-12-24T00:09:00.001-05:00

The Christmas Jell-O mold never turns out right.

Ban blowtorches for nitwits?

2008-12-23T23:04:00.002-05:00

You decide.

Twenty-five firefighters put themselves at risk to calm the blaze and he "wasn't charged"? Not even with stupidity?

On the lighter side ...

2008-12-21T00:03:00.000-05:00

CNN's iReport put out a call for "tacky Christmas sweaters" photos, and look what the cat dragged in!

Explains one of the subjects:

"The guys on my team like to go shopping—in their mother-in-law's closets or eBay or maybe the Salvation Army racks—to try to find the ugliest Christmas sweaters possible. This year, they outdid themselves."

One question though. Why the mother-in-law's closet and not Mom's? I dare say your own precious mother has purchased (or received) something equally dreadful.

Well played, gentlemen.

More on Rick Warren, anti-theism and biology for dummies

2008-12-19T00:03:00.000-05:00

It briefly occurred to me, as it did to Aunt B. over at Tiny Cat Pants, that there is a broader issue underlying the whole who-should-give-the-invocation-at-the-inauguration bruhaha, which is: Why should there even be an invocation? Says she:

Does it grate that there’s going to be some homophobic zealot jackass speaking for and to his god at the inauguration like the difference between homophobic religious zealots who want to control women and everyone else is just a difference of opinion? Yes. But why is any minister there in the first place? Wake me up when we’re having that discussion.

I want to discuss it, but I'm tired. And I don't do my best work when I'm in need of a nap. But I'll leave a few morsels for you.

The consensus around here is that god shouldn't play a role in government (assuming that we believe that there is a god). But guess who thinks not? No surprise. The Wise Reverend Rick, as revealed to Larry King.

"I couldn't vote for a person who was an atheist, because I would think -- I think the presidency is a job too big for one person. I would think there's a little arrogance that says, I don't need anybody else. I could vote for someone of different religions than mine, but I don't know that I could personally vote for somebody who denies that we need somebody greater than ourselves to help us."

This anti-evolutionist also told King:

"If Darwin was right, which is survival of the fittest then homosexuality would be a recessive gene because it doesn't reproduce and you would think that over thousands of years that homosexuality would work itself out of the gene pool."

Warren needs someone greater than himself to explain this whole evolutionary biology thing, and it's not god.

If you wanna hear a couple of lively science geeks dissect Warren's idiotic statement, check out the comments under "Human Population Genetics for Creationist Idiots: The Rick Warren Edition" over at Mike the Mad Biologist.

Barack Obama hates gay people

2008-12-18T13:54:00.004-05:00

OK, that's hyperbole on my part. He has, however, shown great contempt for the gay community—and its friends and supporters—by choosing pastor Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. Warren is an evangelical who opposes equal rights for same-sex couples, among other things. Obama defended his choice, saying Warren's is among "a wide range of viewpoints" that are welcome in his administration. Of all the "spiritual leaders" he could have called upon for this task, why not choose someone who is inclusive—someone who, dare I say it, espouses liberty and justice for all?

I have a question for Obama, who has been so busy putting together his team of rivals. The liberals who helped you get elected are starting to feel like they fit into that category. So where's our bone, Obama? When you reached across the aisle, did they grab your arm and suck you into the vortex?

We knew we'd be disappointed. But this is disgusting.

Fifteen minutes could save you 15 percent or more on car insurance

2008-12-17T00:01:00.000-05:00

Who'd a thunk? A Floridian threw a sandwich at his girlfriend during a dispute over car insurance.

I think maybe it's time I start ignoring projectile food in Florida. Perhaps all the media attention is encouraging copycats.

Panties in a wad?

2008-12-16T00:01:00.001-05:00

So the Madame says to me today, she says: If you're disrobing for bed and you discover that you've been wearing your underwear inside-out all day, is it OK to flip 'em outside-in and wear 'em again the next day? And I say, Did you just use the word "disrobing"? Are we in a Merchant-Ivory film? Then I look over and see an empty bottle of Nyquil on the floor by the bed underneath mounds and mounds of Kleenex, the sheen of Vick's Vap-o-Rub on her upper lip, and I wonder: Does she even know what she's saying anymore?

I responded: I really don't think this is the kind of question a cat can authoritatively answer. And I promised to send it out to committee.

Finally, Floridians wielding food responsibly

2008-12-15T00:10:00.000-05:00

This time, the food fight was justified. A pizza delivery driver in Miramar hurled a pepperoni pie at three teenage thugs pointing one too many firearms at him. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Which is too bad. I really wish the perps had been blinded by hot cheese. Seriously.

So, it's time to update, yet again, the list of dangerous perishables in the state of Florida. (I can't believe no one's used grapefruits yet.)

Canned weiners
Cheeseburgers
Unleavened bread*
Sardines
Pepperoni pizza

*Included for its potential to incite violence. All-around poor weapon.

Get a dentist to Panther Stadium. Stat!

2008-12-14T22:38:00.007-05:00

When I saw this photo of the gargoylesque Panther guarding entrance to the stadium in Charlotte, I thought "Heavens to Mergatroid, would you look at those claws!" But then I zoomed in on the teeth. My god, man. That's an emergency tartar situation if I've ever seen one.

Sir Purr in trouble?

2008-12-10T17:55:00.006-05:00

Not even the NFL is immune to the recession, with the league announcing it is canning 150 employees. One wonders if this trend will trickle down to the franchises and their mascots, like our own Sir Purr of the Carolina Panthers. Perhaps due to attrition, SP has been assigned administrative duties on top of his other responsibilities of shaking his corpulent belly at games (a record 331 times in 1 minute) and hugging people at will (451 per appearance). Surely this guy has earned his keep.

Basketball too?!!

2008-12-10T00:17:00.000-05:00

Turns out, not only did the M&M leave me high and dry for the Panthers meetup, they also took in a game of Rat Basketball. Without me. Knowing how I feel about rodents! At least they were kind enough to take some video footage.

I give you .... Pepper Jack & Nacho, street style:

The 40-yard line! Are you kidding me?!

2008-12-08T06:44:00.000-05:00

Tonight I'll be perched on the arm of the recliner watching the Carolina Panthers (9-3) and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-3) battle in Charlotte for the top spot in the NFC South. I was going on and on about this and asking the Madame and Mister who's bringing the snacks and whether the fleece blankie is laundered and ready .... then they drop a bombshell. They're GOING TO THE GAME. Going to the game? When did they start doing that?

So I put my nose in the air and huffed off, thinking they'll be in the cheap seats, hemorrhaging from the nostrils, while I get to see the close-ups and instant replays and that oh-so-handy yellow line on the screen. And I won't have to wait in line for a bathroom. But I can still hear them talking in the other room: .... blah, blah, blah ...... seats on the 40-yard-line .... blah, blah, blah .......what an incredibly nice gift that was ... blah, blah, blah...too bad we can't take Henry, you know, what with her being the biggest football fan in the house.

I hope it rains. No, I hope it snows. No, sleet. Yeah, sleet. And 40 mile-per-hour winds.

ffffffffftttttttttttttt!!!!!

Rash of food fighting continues in Florida

2008-12-05T00:06:00.005-05:00

A half-hour away from where a man pummeled his ex-girlfriend for taking his Vienna sausages and where a Florida congregation tackled a fellow parishioner for stealing communion wafers, another food-related battery has occurred. This time, a man clocked his girlfriend with a cheeseburger.

(At least when people in North Carolina fight with food, it's for a good reason.)

The list of potentially dangerous perishables in the Sunshine State now includes:

Canned weiners
Cheeseburgers
Unleavened bread
Sardines

When will the carnage end?

He just won't go away

2008-12-04T00:05:00.000-05:00

Today I listened to a radio call-in show in which people asked questions of erstwhile Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. In response to a caller, he kept repeating that there is "irrefutable scientific evidence" that a fetus is a person from day one. Now, you may or may not agree with that. What interested me is that Huckabee is suddenly all about science. The man who says he doesn't believe in evolution, that schoolchildren should be made aware that other "theories" exist, and that "we just don't know" the age of the earth.

I like the way Wired Science blogger Loretta Hidalgo Whiteside puts it:
In science, being a "theory" is not a step below a "law." The "Theory of Relativity" by Albert Einstein is not waiting for its day in court when it graduates to "fact."

Huckabee has said, in essence, that everyone is entitled to their own facts. "If you want to believe that you and your family came from apes, that's fine. I'll accept that. I just don't happen to think that I did."

I just can't figure out what Huckabee has against apes. You could do a lot worse.

The poor man's Lucky Charms

2008-12-03T00:03:00.005-05:00

I heard the Madame bragging earlier today about how you don't have to spend top dollar to appreciate the "Lucky Charms" experience. She gave me permission to publish her recipe:

Fill a bowl with store-brand Cheerios.
Mix in some mini-marshmallows.
Pour in soy milk and stir.
Close your eyes and take a bite while thinking "They're magically delicious."

Isn't she clever?

It's come to this

2008-12-02T00:25:00.002-05:00

Kitten war. Yes, kitten war. Where cute meets cuter and gets banished to the "Losing-est Kittens" wall of shame.

Is it just me or does Tinkerbelle look a bit underage?

I have the utmost respect for your privacy

2008-12-01T00:21:00.004-05:00

Let me make that clear right off the bat. I use Google Analytics to track visitor trends. But your identity is unknown to me. I do know, however, what kind of bizarre strings of search words result in "hits" to my blog.

Some of my recent favorites:

professional stealing techniques
jamie lynn spears smelly feet
cartoon porn stars

I've never written about Jamie Lynn Spears (or her feet, which may or may not be malodorous). Nor have I blogged about cartoon porn stars (the things I saw Fritz the Cat doing are best left unmentioned). And professional stealing techniques? There was my confession of having stolen a sandwich from a homeless person, but I didn't describe how one would go about such a thing (if you need Internet lessons on that type of theft, I don't think lack of sustenance is your biggest problem).

I think that thing called "search engine optimization" has a few flaws. Either that, or my blog has a subconscious and these keywords are buried deep within.

Who you gonna call? Drunkbusters!

2008-11-27T16:00:00.000-05:00

There's nothing more embarrassing when you're driving drunk than running over yourself. I love that New Mexico has a "Drunkbusters hotline" for reporting drunk drivers. Now if we only had 1-800-A-HOLE.

Like I said, George Bush hates bald eagles

2008-11-26T13:51:00.005-05:00

Before Bush leaves office, somebody better get a serious surveillance camera set up in Crawford, Texas. Bald eagles just aren't safe from him. Hastily issuing pardons before he vacates his office, Bush made sure to expunge the record of convicted bald-eagle poisoner Leslie Owen Collier. Collier received two years' probation and a $10,000 fine for killing several eagles, which at the time were protected by law under the federal Endangered Species Act. The convicted felon will now be allowed to possess firearms again. Not sure about his continued access to poison though.

Collier set out to poison coyotes, and the toxins went up the food chain and killed the scavenging eagles. Know why Collier wanted to kill the coyotes? To increase the wild turkey population. "I got it in my head that if I eliminated some of the coyotes it would give the turkeys a jump-start," Collier said.

If Benjamin Franklin had gotten his way, the wild turkey would have been our national bird, not the bald eagle. He wrote:

"For my own part I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen the Representative of our Country. He is a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly. You may have seen him perched on some dead Tree near the River, where, too lazy to fish for himself, he watches the Labour of the Fishing Hawk; and when that diligent Bird has at length taken a Fish, and is bearing it to his Nest for the Support of his Mate and young Ones, the Bald Eagle pursues him and takes it from him.

I suppose Republicans would view bald eagles as nature's "welfare cheats."

Maybe it is out of respect for Ben that politicians feel compelled to pardon turkeys this time of year. At least Bush's pardon today of two turkeys was slightly less gruesome than Sarah Palin's photo op. There's probably no one that hasn't yet seen the video of Ms. Palin's pardon of a turkey—an act that brought, said Palin, a little "levity" to the holiday. Indeed, nothing could have been a bigger hoot than the bloodbath going on behind her as she mugged for the cameras!

As a footnote, Ben Franklin made an alternative suggestion for the rattlesnake as an appropriate symbol of "the temper and conduct of America."

Hiss. Rattle. Indeed.

Click to view a list of Bush's other pardonees and their crimes.

Happy anniversary to me

2008-11-24T00:05:00.001-05:00

Eleven years ago today, I met the Madame. Shortly after that, I met the Mister. She says he was reluctant to meet me at the time. That was because he knew what usually comes after the "meeting." It's the "moving in."

My purpose, besides being a welcome addition to the rather (in my opinion) substandard assortment of felines living here, was to be a "service cat." The Madame would take me to places where old and sick people are forced to live without feline companions (oh, the cruelty). My job would be to make them feel better. The lady who originally "rescued" me said I could be taken on a trial basis to make certain I could fulfill my mission. The Madame assures me now that she would have retained me whether or not I passed any test. But it turns out, I did pass the test. I was escorted to a "nursing home" and made the rounds to meet all the people there. Conservatively, I'd say I let about 20 people touch me. They were all nice enough. No one tried to restrain me, which I have no tolerance for. I just sat on their laps and allowed them to admire my lovely coat, which I'm told feels as soft as a bunny's. I purred a little bit too, just to sweeten the deal.

There was one woman at the home who was lying on her back in her bed. She was "unresponsive." The Madame placed me on the bed. The woman didn't look at the Madame or at me, but she began stroking my fur. In a little bit, she told me she loved me. And I hadn't even done anything! (This could have been the beginning of my rather fluffy ego.) Madame got pretty choked up later about that old lady. She tried to explain to me the import of what had happened.

The Madame had hoped that I would be able to visit other places. But, alas, nursing homes and hospitals and such are pretty anti-cat. For some reason, felines haven't been able to break into the world of animal therapy like dogs have. I don't understand why there is such prejudice. Even with dog therapy, there are a million hoops to jump through (dogs are more inclined to jump through hoops than we). Certification. Liability. Blah, blah, blah. The Madame says it saddens her deeply when people become unable to take care of themselves and are forced to "give up" their animals when they go live in a special place. How could a place be special when there are no animals there? Will Rogers did not even want to enter the Pearly Gates without his pets. Said he: "If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."

The Madame is about to cry. I'd better go and comfort her. It's what I'm here for.

What does Michael Phelps smell like?

2008-11-20T16:36:00.005-05:00

Off the top of my head, I would've guessed chlorine. Turns out, the Olympic swimmer is partial to a cologne by Yves Saint-Laurent. How do I know this? Because People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive will hit newsstands tomorrow. The issue features "scratch and sniff" ads—based on confessions by several celebrities of what fragrance makes them feel sexiest. Some actor I've never heard of who is on a show I've never seen ("Gossip Girl") reveals that freshly cut grass does it for him (not sure how his girlfriend—or boyfriend—feels about that). Actor Taye Diggs digs vanilla, chocolate, sandalwood and musk essential oils. Why would anyone wear a fragrance that smells like food? the Madame asked me. That'd just make be hungry. I'd tell the Mister: Stop pawing me—I'm savoring my chicken-fried-steak perfume.

Apparently this type of sensory advertising is nothing new at People. In 2006, they included a "lick the page" ad designed to tempt readers to buy Welch's grape juice. Oh my lord! Don't people know where that magazine's been?! She explained to me that People is the magazine that shoppers usually flip through as they're waiting in the grocery line. Then they put it back in the rack after they've left their grubby fingerprints all over it.

No one in this house licks magazines, though if you accidentally drop one on the floor, the very confused, troubled fat cat Isabel might pee on it. Trust me, that's a scratch-and-sniff you don't wanna be a part of.

E-pologies: The newest way to adulterate your contrition

2008-11-19T00:31:00.000-05:00

Occasionally, I throw up on things. There was that ill-fated modem catastrophe. And there's been a time or two when I wasn't able to jump off the bedspread in time. But the Madame and Mister are very forgiving. I apologize for being sick, and then they apologize for attempting to poison me.

But often it's inconvenient to apologize in person. Or to call. Or even to craft an e-mail. Sometimes you just want software to do it for you. Announcing: I'm Sorry.com. For free, you can e-mail a virtual olive branch to anyone you've wronged. Shell out a few bucks, and the person will receive a fancier card. You can even send housewares and apparel with the I'm Sorry logo—including the I'm Sorry boxer shorts ($20) and the I'm Sorry beer steins ($15). You know, so the person will always remember the time you "accidentally" dropped a hair dryer into her bathtub.

Supposedly, the folks at I'm Sorry.com donate part of the money to charity (although I have no idea how you can verify this). This way, your transgress-ee knows that you're not only terribly sorry about him or her, but also about starving children. It's hard to not forgive someone like that.

Forgive me Father, for I have voted for Obama

2008-11-18T00:06:00.001-05:00

If the smackdown over a Florida priest's stinginess with communion wafers wasn't enough, now a priest in South Carolina doesn't want to give up the goods either. If you voted for Obama, that is. Father Jay Scott Newman wrote in the St. Mary's Catholic Church bulletin:

"Voting for a pro-abortion politician when a plausible pro-life alternative exits constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil, and those Catholics who do so place themselves outside of the full communion of Christ's Church and under the judgment of divine law," wrote Father Newman. "Persons in this condition should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation."

He added: "Our nation has chosen for its chief executive the most radical pro-abortion politician ever to serve in the United States Senate or to run for president."

Really? I wish Father Newman (or someone else) would point me to his sources. And for crying out loud, hasn't it already been established that Obama is the most radical, socialist, baby-killing, terrorist-coddling pinko ever elected President? Enough already.

Newman wrote: "This election was effectively decided by the votes of self-described (but not practicing) Catholics, the majority of whom cast their ballots for President-elect Obama."

Well, that's one way to conserve wafers.

My kind of church

2008-11-17T11:39:00.003-05:00

Floridians taking communion too seriously

2008-11-15T16:46:00.008-05:00

A Jensen Beach, Fla., man who got a little too greedy with communion wafers "outraged" and "offended" his fellow parishioners and ended up in the slammer this morning. The man reportedly grabbed a handful of wafers from the priest and then tried to flee, but his fellow worshipers blocked his path and held him down while police were summoned.

Dag, I thought. Where is this Jensen Beach? And what kind of rough-and-tumble town is it?

So I Googled on down to Florida and did some virtual sightseeing. Turns out, Jensen Beach is just 15 miles away from the community of Fort Pierce, where on Monday a man allegedly pummeled his ex-girlfriend for eating his sardines and Vienna sausages, which the newspaper described as "a popular canned weiner product" (the Madame informed me that the proper pronunciation is Vy-EEN-uh sausages, like hyena).

In the same town, whose tourism Web site extols the residents' "peaceful quality of life," an 11-year-old boy hit his mother in the head with a saw Thursday and then offered her five bucks not to call the police. He was later booked for aggravated battery. My first thought was, what kind of mother calls the cops on her kid for inflicting a minor laceration? But it turns out, there's something seriously sociopathic going on, and I don't want to make light of that (let's just say, the family cat has been really, really lucky). Still, I've got to wonder what the heck is in the water down there.

You're on dangerous ground, Madame. Are you SURE you want to go there?

2008-11-15T15:06:00.005-05:00

I remember when the Madame found out that Brad Pitt had insulted his dear bride by cavorting with Angelina Jolie. Ugh, she moaned. What the bloody hell is wrong with that guy? Pitt's stock dipped further when he surrendered completely to the Angelina vortex. (Hmm. That sounded dirty. But I'll leave it. I think you know what I mean.)

On the matter of looks, the Madame believes there is no contest between the fresh-faced, adorable Aniston and the sphincter-pouted Jolie. Just behold her on the cover of December Vogue. But that is superficial—none of us hopes to be judged on those traits.

On the matter of talent, there has never been a question, she says. In her Oscar-winning Girl Interrupted performance, Jolie was as annoying as the movie, the Madame opines. Aniston is the superior actor, and she usually makes better choices.

On the matter of charity, the Madame is not going to knock anyone's contributions. Jolie's have been admirable. Aniston's have been more under-the-radar, but she has done her share and she seems more graceful about it. Less obsessive. Less frenetic. More Audrey Hepburnesque.

On the matter of temperament, the Madame says, Jen easily trumps Angecrazy. She seems nice, sweet, humble, wise, grounded. It would knock the wind out of the Madame if Jen showed up on a talk show with a vial of someone's blood around her neck.

Why do you care? I asked. You don't even know her. You've never been obsessed with or impressed in general with celebrities. I don't know, she says. There's just something about down-to-earth people that makes the world seem more navigable.

I think the Madame has been drinking the Kool-Aid. And now I'm off to enable "Moderate Comments," as I feel a sh@t storm approaching.

I've been tagged (but not yet released)

2008-11-13T13:36:00.008-05:00

My colleague over at The Political Cat swatted at me and connected. She "tagged" me to join a virtual confessional in which participants reveal six random things about themselves. I cannot compete with TPC, who has clearly lived a more precarious life than your faithful feline correspondent. Still, I shall add my revelations to the collective:

1. I believe that I gained my self-awareness after nicking scraps from a magical dumpster.

2. When I lived on the streets, I once stole a sandwich from a homeless person.

3. When I was born, my mother looked at me and said, "Some day, all the world will perch on your every word." OK, I made that up. What she actually said was, "Here are the milk dispensers. Wipe your mouth when you're done. I'm going to take nap."

4. I like rats. Not to eat. To observe. I admire their cunning, their creativity and the great extent to which they value extended family.

5. In cat years, I am 13. Thereabouts.

6. For many questions of style and grammar, I consult Strunk and White's The Elements of Style, which doles out very stern advice while still acknowledging: "The shape of our language is not rigid; in questions of usage we have no lawgiver whose word is final."

I HEREBY TAG:

• Sungold at Kittywampus, a political hero.

• Hipparchia at Over the Cliff, Onto the Rocks (Lemmings, Cliff, Rocks, Splat).

• David at Leave Me Alone, I'm Digging.

• Debbie at Debbie Does Life. She's really good at lists.

• Margaret and Helen over at Margaret and Helen, though they are probably way too famous to have time for this. I think it'd really be smashing if Margaret revealed six things about Helen, and vice versa. Those birds have known each other for 60 years. Imagine the secrets they could spill!

• Mrs. Wigglebottom, in care of Aunt B. at Tiny Cat Pants. Confess yourself, oh great and wondrous pit bull!

YOUR INSTRUCTIONS
(should you choose to accept this mission)
* Link to the person who tagged you.
* Post the rules on your blog.
* Write six random things about yourself.
* Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
* Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
* Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

* * * * * * * *

Confessions of my colleague ThePoliticalCat (with my responses in italics)

1. I once worked as a blackjack dealer in an illegal gambling club.
I once challenged a street cat named Blackjack to a duel. He lost.
A toe, an eye and his entire paycheck for the month.

2. I once had a reasonable degree of prowess in eight different languages,
thereby proving that you lose it if you don't use it.
I can communicate with Persians.

3. I once lived in a place with no electricity or water,
drawing my own water from a well and chopping wood to cook food.
I once lived in a place with no roof.

4. I helped my Dad make a lotus pond,
the enjoyment of which was mostly ruined by the drinking habits of a tigress and her cub.
I never met my dad, but my mother said he was more ruinous than a family of tigers.

5. I hiked 22 miles in a single day before I became a gimp.
Wow. I can't top that. My paws ache to think about it.

6. I once distracted a cobra so my siblings could flee before it spat at them.
I once lapped up some beer from a half-drunk bottle of King Cobra discarded in an alley.
I did a spit-take and sprayed malt liquor all over my siblings.

The Hate Talk Express: Still on the road, still spewing noxious fumes

2008-11-13T12:20:00.005-05:00

Here I am, still cogitating about what Michelle Obama will wear to the Inaugural Ball, when THIS item crosses my desk. John McCain is back on the campaign trail, trying to help primordial ooze-sack Saxby Chambliss of Georgia get re-elected to the U.S. Senate. This is the man about whom McCain said in 2002, when Mr. Sham-bliss launched a TV smear campaign against Democratic then-incumbent and triple-amputee Vietnam vet Max Cleland:

"I'd never seen anything like that ad. Putting pictures of Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden next to the picture of a man who left three limbs on the battlefield—it's worse than disgraceful. It's reprehensible."

Chambliss is facing a runoff election against Democratic challenger Jim Martin, which is scheduled for Dec. 2.

If I had a swivel chair like Keith Olbermann, I'd be a feline centrifuge about now, howling to anyone who'd listen: For the love of all that is holy, John McCain, please cease and desist being The Grandfather of all Disingenuosity. Do the right thing. Be humane. Can you do that? There are some animal models that could help. The HSUS is a good example. Look into it.

"One less hate-mongering bigot in the world. Good riddance."

2008-11-13T07:04:00.000-05:00

This was the Madame's cavalier comment when I told her about a story my intern dropped in my inbox yesterday. A woman in Oklahoma traveled alone to Louisiana to rendezvous with some KKK'ers she met online. A Welcome Wagon of eight Klansmen and Klanswomen drove the wannabe to a remote campsite for some "initiation" rituals. After they shaved her head and had her run around in the woods with some torches, according to St. Tammany Sheriff Jack Strain, things went awry. Perhaps bored with the inferior pyrotechnics, she asked to be taken back to "town." The leader of the group shot and killed her, and the others tried to cover it up. A few of them stopped by a local convenience store and asked the clerk how to get bloodstains out of their clothes. The clerk dropped a dime, and the sheriff came and arrested all eight of them, who apparently comprised the whole of the chapter.

If you want to see an example of why cousins shouldn't marry, here's a magnificent photo gallery of the entire braintrust. I expect they'll be off to prison soon, where their supremacy will certainly be embraced with great enthusiasm.

Ah, the human race. What would my inbox be without you?

John McCain: Still an a-hole

2008-11-12T14:25:00.003-05:00

I swear, if I could find that statement on a bumper sticker, I'd force the Madame to put one on her car.

McCain was back on late night television Tuesday, yucking it up with Jay Leno. He said: "I really believe that Sarah Palin is amongst some ... that I think are the next generation of leadership of our party," he said. So, vitriole, venom, vituperation, .... there's life for you yet!

As for McCain, I am sick to tears of people praising his "classy" concession speech. Hollow, hollow, hollow ring. McCain—either on his own or via his nasty surrogates—flung everything he could at the wall during his campaign, praying that something would stick. And he failed. He called his opponent a dangerous radical, socialist, Communist, anti-American terrorist sympathizer. Did I leave anything out?

"Who is Barack Obama?", McCain asked ominously at his rallies.

He's your new president, you malodorous, complicit piece of asscrack.

Michelle Obama's inaugural gown ... what will it be?

2008-11-11T00:00:00.002-05:00

Before a First Lady had even been "elected," Project Runway alumni were challenged to design an inaugural gown. My girl Leann Marshall, self-described fashion assassin and winner of Season 5, stepped up her game to create a fetching frock out of potato sacks. Unfortunately, it was better suited to Cindy McCain. Really. She would have rocked it. Maybe she could wear something like it when her husband is presented the Mr. Incongeniality Award.

Thankfully, it will be Michelle O. twirling 'round the dance floor on Inauguration Night. With the notable exception of the very Halloweeny dress she selected for Election Night, Mrs. Obama is impeccable in her taste. I wonder how she'd look in red velvet or silk. One blogger has suggested a turquoise satin gown with a sweetheart neckline. I'm open to that. She was pretty in periwinkle on the cover of Newsweek. Very flattering color. Wow, this is not inaugurally appropriate but, wow.

I have only one request of her: Please don't choose a gown with pockets. I'm so sick of seeing celebrities and socialites slouching about in evening gowns with their hands shoved into their pockets. No woman is supposed to look that comfortable in a formal dress. I fully expect them to start mopily kicking a can that fell out of their skirt.

What do you think Mrs. O should wear?

Pound puppies for Obama

2008-11-07T17:51:00.005-05:00

President-Elect Barack Obama has a lot of advisors—some he didn't appoint. Notably, the Humane Society of the United States and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, who are pressuring the President-Elect to choose a "shelter puppy" for his daughters. Back before the Presidential primaries, I evaluated the candidates based on their record on the treatment of animals. I did not have enough information at the time to endorse him fully on those grounds, saying "Barack Obama doesn't have any pets, but he says he plans to give in to the solicitations of his kids and get a dog if he wins the White House. Hmmm. He appears to listen to his constituents. That's encouraging."

I have a very personal reason for wanting the First Family to set an example by adopting an abandoned animal—given that I was once homeless and might have easily perished at the pound in spite of my charm. There are many charming homeless animals for whom there is absolutely no room—mathematics win out in the end.

But whether the Obamas adopt a mutt or purchase a pedigreed pooch (though I'm sure there are plenty of breeders who'd make a gift of one), he has shown great wisdom and maturity regarding pet "ownership" (I hate that word) so far. His stock rose with me when he said that he wanted Sasha and Malia to first understand and accept the responsibility that having a happy, healthy pet demands. He said they must realize that a dog must be cared for even when it's not convenient, for example, that they would be obligated to walk the dog outdoors faithfully, even in inclement weather. Lack of such forethought is the reason many people get a dog, then abandon him when he misbehaves due to lack of training or becomes too much of an "inconvenience." It's unforgivable, but true.

I read one blogger's acerbic condemnation of people who criticize people who buy purebred animals. The author said that people who want pedigreed dogs should not be made pariahs due to their unwillingness to compensate for the irresponsibility and carelessness of dog dumpers. The author asked why a potential dog owner should be stuck with "rejects." While there may be some valid reasons for dog breeding at some level, I took offense at the tone.

In countless ways, Barack Obama has shown that he is thoughtful, kind and forward-thinking. The Madame, Mister and I hope he goes with a rescue pup, but are at least certain that either way, he would never strap his dog on top of his car while driving (like Mitt Romney) or surrender his pet to one of his staffers (like Bill and Hillary Clinton). Nor would he raise two daughters who would ever inflict cruelty on animals (like Mike Huckabee's son). The Obama family will undoubtedly set a fine example for both the clueless and the clued-in with regard to pet ownership. I am going to be open-minded and give him my pre-endorsement.

Out of hibernation

2008-11-06T00:01:00.000-05:00

The Madame received this e-mail today from a dear friend in the now-blue state of Ohio:

"This is how bears must feel when they stumble out of their dens into Spring, groggy from winter's hibernation, pretending that the long days and months of privation never really happened. The warmth and beauty of Spring feels right and natural to them; and future seasonal changes are long off, nothing more than a wayward bug to be flicked off. So let's enjoy the Spring. I hope it will be long and drawn out, like the Carolina Springs of my memory."

2008-11-04T23:52:00.000-05:00

Vote, dammit.

2008-11-04T11:04:00.003-05:00

From Cats for Obama Web site.

The real election map: Take heart, fellow liberals

2008-11-03T00:02:00.001-05:00

If you live in a blue state, it's easy to feel like sad anomalies as you watch Election Night maps get color-coded. The map at the top is much less depressing than the one at the bottom. And it's more accurate too.

Both of these maps reflect the results of the 2004 Presidential contest between John Kerry and George W. Bush. The map at the bottom "gives the superficial impression that the 'red states' dominate the country, since they cover far more area than the blue ones," says a trio of researchers at the University of Michigan. "However, as pointed out by many others, this is misleading because it fails to take into account the fact that most of the red states have small populations, whereas most of the blue states have large ones. The blue may be small in area, but they are large in terms of numbers of people, which is what matters in an election."

Michael Gastner, Cosma Shalizi and Mark Newman of the University of Michigan corrected this distortion by using a cartogram, "a map in which the sizes of states have been rescaled according to their population. That is, states are drawn with a size proportional not to their sheer topographic acreage—which has little to do with politics—but to the number of their inhabitants, states with more people appearing larger than states with fewer, regardless of their actual area on the ground. Thus, on such a map, the state of Rhode Island, with its 1.1 million inhabitants, would appear about twice the size of Wyoming, which has half a million, even though Wyoming has 60 times the acreage of Rhode Island."

The Michigan scholars will be preparing a similar re-interpretation of the traditional election map used in tomorrow's presidential election. The map will be available on their Web site Nov. 5, 2008.

The swirly, psychedelic shape should provide additional comfort to Obama supporters, who are already hopped up on hope.

Groovy, man.

Miss Precious, I feel your pain

2008-11-02T15:47:00.002-05:00

Yet another sad example of feline housing discrimination. Godspeed, Keith Olbermann!

McCain was against MLK Jr. holiday, but FOR busing

2008-10-30T14:58:00.005-04:00

The McCain campaign had to bus in school kids from the surrounding area in order to pad an audience at an Ohio rally this morning:

A local school district official confirmed after the event that of the 6,000 people estimated by the fire marshal to be in attendance this morning, more than 4,000 were bused in from schools in the area. The entire 2,500-student Defiance School District was in attendance, the official said, in addition to at least three other schools from neighboring districts, one of which sent 14 buses.

So he's FOR busing, but behaved disgracefully in his stance toward the Martin Luther King Jr. national holiday.

In 1983, he towed Ronald Reagan's line and voted against a Congressional bill to create a federal holiday in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. He later defended Arizona Republican Governor Evan Mecham's rescinding of the state holiday in honor of King created by his Democratic predecessor.

In the Senate, McCain, the self-described maverick, "took on his party" alright. In the 1983 Senate vote, he was among 18 Republicans who voted against the bill, while 37 of his Republican colleagues voted for it. The Senate bill passed by a 78-22 margin. Realizing that he had a veto-proof majority in both the House and Senate, President Reagan reluctantly signed the bill into law.

In the withering heat of a national spotlight, the embarrassed McCain backpedaled on the issue in 1992, prodding his home state of Arizona to recognize a state holiday in spite of Gov. Mecham's protests. McCain finally supported a referendum creating a state holiday in King’s honor in Arizona, the second-to-last state in the Union to do so.

McCain offered an excuse in a speech he gave in Memphis April 4, 2008, the 40th anniversary of King's assassination.

He said:

“I voted in my…first year in Congress against it and then I began to learn and I studied and people talked to me."

"We can be slow as well to give greatness its due, a mistake I made myself long ago when I voted against a federal holiday in memory of Dr. King," said McCain. "I was wrong and eventually realized that, in time to give full support for a state holiday in Arizona."

McCain had said earlier that week that he had not understood the issue. Asked what he later learned, he said, “I learned that this individual was a transcendent figure in American history. He deserved to be honored… I had not really been involved in the issue. I just had not had a lot of experience with the issue.” The Wall Street Journal article reported "that McCain grew testy when asked what he did not understand. He noted that his adopted state of Arizona does not have a large African-American population."

What's astounding to me is that McCain had a 10-year-learning curve on the issue, while of his clueless running mate Sarah Palin he consistently brags: She's "a quick study."

Wow, Sarah Palin can "learn" more about foreign policy in two months than he can learn in a decade about the greatest figure in the American civil rights movement.